Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
October 5th, 2002
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
NBC Special ReportSummary: Live, via satellite, Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) rides on the back of a missle headed for Iraq.
Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Dick Cheney.
Note: This sketch was originally planned as a satellite commentary on Weekend Update, but was converted into a cold opening at the last minute because the original cold opening bombed during dress rehearsal.
Matt Damon’s MonologueSummary: Because he wants to perform in a sketch about a huge summer news story, Matt Damon performs an impression of Justin Timberlake participating in a club dance-off with ex-girlfriend Britney Spears (Amy Poehler).
Recurring Characters: Justin Guarini, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears.
The NRA ISummary: The AFLAC duck is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) won’t allow animal sex talk on his show.
Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.
The NRA IISummary: Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).
Recurring Characters: Carrot Top.
Springsteen ConcertSummary: Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.
Nutri-QuickSummary: Anal-suppository meals for when you’re really on-the-go.
Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.
Hannibal Goes to CollegeSummary: A college-aded Hannibal Lecter (Matt Damon) attends Michigan State in the latest “Silence of the Lambs” prequel trailer.
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band perform “Lonesome Day”Note: After an 18-year hiatus, Budweiser once again becomes the official sponsor of SNL’s musical guest segment.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers and Matt Damon give advice to Yankees fans. Spanish comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) teaches Jimmy Fallon how to tell comedy by using a catchphrase.
Recurring Characters: Fericito.
Dr. Matt DamonSummary: A doctor named Matt Damon (Chris Parnell) doesn’t like being in movie star Matt Damon’s shadow.
Note: Ben Affleck was scheduled to make a cameo appearance during this sketch, but he had to cancel at the last minute.
Versace PocketsSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces new and expensive microwave dinners.
Recurring Characters: Dontella Versace, Puff Daddy, Rosie O’Donnell, Axl Rose.
TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, “The Smurfette Show” combines the antics of Anna Nicole Smith and the Smurfs.
Bruce Springsteen performs “You’re Missing”Also Performed: 91s.
Sex RobotSummary: A lazy scientist (Matt Damon) tries to pass off his Sex Robot project as fundamental research.
The Dr. Phil ShowSummary: Dr. Phil (Jeff Richards) confuses his guests with his off-kilter Texan expressions.
Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil, Santa claus.
The War On IraqSummary: NBC airs a new, hilarious sitcom based on real-time political events.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George W. Bush.
Note: Darrell Hammond was to take over Will Ferrell’s vacated role as President George W. Bush, but the sketch bombed so badly at dress rehearsal that it was replaced with a Dick Cheney bit from Weekend Update. Though Chris Parnell would resume the role for the remainder of the season, Hammond did get the opportunity to portray the Commander-in-Chief in two live broadcasts in 2003 before being replaced by Will Forte.