SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 5th, 2002

Matt Damon

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band


NBC Special ReportSummary: Live, via satellite, Vice-President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) rides on the back of a missle headed for Iraq.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Dick Cheney.

Note: This sketch was originally planned as a satellite commentary on Weekend Update, but was converted into a cold opening at the last minute because the original cold opening bombed during dress rehearsal.



Matt Damon’s MonologueSummary: Because he wants to perform in a sketch about a huge summer news story, Matt Damon performs an impression of Justin Timberlake participating in a club dance-off with ex-girlfriend Britney Spears (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Justin Guarini, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears.


The NRA ISummary: The AFLAC duck is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).


Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) won’t allow animal sex talk on his show.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.


The NRA IISummary: Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) is shot by a couple of gun-carrying nuts (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Carrot Top.


Springsteen ConcertSummary: Boston Teens Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.


Nutri-QuickSummary: Anal-suppository meals for when you’re really on-the-go.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Randy Goldman, Mr. Banglian.


Hannibal Goes to CollegeSummary: A college-aded Hannibal Lecter (Matt Damon) attends Michigan State in the latest “Silence of the Lambs” prequel trailer.


Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band perform “Lonesome Day”Note: After an 18-year hiatus, Budweiser once again becomes the official sponsor of SNL’s musical guest segment.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers and Matt Damon give advice to Yankees fans. Spanish comedian Fericito (Fred Armisen) teaches Jimmy Fallon how to tell comedy by using a catchphrase.

Recurring Characters: Fericito.


Dr. Matt DamonSummary: A doctor named Matt Damon (Chris Parnell) doesn’t like being in movie star Matt Damon’s shadow.

Note: Ben Affleck was scheduled to make a cameo appearance during this sketch, but he had to cancel at the last minute.


Versace PocketsSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) introduces new and expensive microwave dinners.

Recurring Characters: Dontella Versace, Puff Daddy, Rosie O’Donnell, Axl Rose.


TV FunhouseSummary: In a cartoon by Rob Smigel, “The Smurfette Show” combines the antics of Anna Nicole Smith and the Smurfs.

Bruce Springsteen performs “You’re Missing”Also Performed: 91s.

Sex RobotSummary: A lazy scientist (Matt Damon) tries to pass off his Sex Robot project as fundamental research.


The Dr. Phil ShowSummary: Dr. Phil (Jeff Richards) confuses his guests with his off-kilter Texan expressions.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Phil, Santa claus.


The War On IraqSummary: NBC airs a new, hilarious sitcom based on real-time political events.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Note: Darrell Hammond was to take over Will Ferrell’s vacated role as President George W. Bush, but the sketch bombed so badly at dress rehearsal that it was replaced with a Dick Cheney bit from Weekend Update. Though Chris Parnell would resume the role for the remainder of the season, Hammond did get the opportunity to portray the Commander-in-Chief in two live broadcasts in 2003 before being replaced by Will Forte.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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