Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
Scotty Skayner…..Matt Damon
Sully: Hey Tommy, hows the audio? Keep the camera under your shirt, its contraband. Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, coming to you live from the second row of the Fleet Centre. Im at the Bruce Springsteen concert courtesy of my cousin Scotty Skayner.
Sully: He was the 104th caller on W.R.O.W.
Scotty: I know exactly when to call!! Im like a numbers whiz like that queer on Good Will Hunting.
Sully: Yeah, Skayner won 2 top notch tickets.
Scotty: Yeah, I was gonna bring my girlfriend but her water broke.
Sully: Such is my good fortune. Now when attending a Springsteen concert, one must bring in certain provisions for the long night ahead. Binoculars, full of grain alcohol (opens one of the eye pieces of the binoculars and pours liquid into his mouth).
Scotty: I aint paying $6 for a beer. Who do you think I am – Regis?
Sully: Number 2: Line your pockets with plastic bags.
Scotty: Insert Tor-till-ia chips.
Sully: Have your friend or loved one pour in scolding hot cheese. (Scotty dips a chip into the bag of cheese)
Both: INSTANT NACHOS!!
Scotty: I just saved another $14, so suck on that Fleet Centre!! Youll never be the Garden!!
Sully: And finally, if your girlfriend doesnt have a ticket, wrap her legs around these velvet ribs and strap Zazoo across your engine. (Sully unbuttons his jacket and Zazoo jumps out)
Denise: ZAZOO!!!! Next time we do this, you gotta tone down the dry-con-wah.
Sully: Thats fruit you whore!
Denise: Youre a whore!
Sully: You are!
Denise: I am. (Sully and Denise start making out)
Scotty: God, I swear to god, I am so pumped up for Bruce. His music represents the life of the working man. (Sully ad Denise stop kissing)
Denise: What would you know about working, Skayner?
Scotty: I work. Im a beer liaison for the under-aged.
Denise: Yeah, Ive seen your corner office next to the dumpster at Cappys Liquors.
Scotty: Shut up!
Denise: You shut up!
Scotty: Sully, who wears the pants in this relationship?
Sully: No one, when it’s going good!!
Scotty: Well you better tell your woman to shut up!
Denise: Oh my god, Sully he cant talk to me like that, alright? Only two people can tell me to shut up. My mother and her boyfriend, and last time I checked Skayner, you and my mother werent going out no more.
Scotty: She broke my heart.
Sully: Come on Denise, lay off Skayner, he comes from a broken home.
Scotty: Yeah, literally! My dad drove his Skylark through our bay window.
Denise: Irregardless! (to Scotty) You are working my last nerve.
Sully: (to Denise) You are!! (they start making out, then Frank appears holding a large tray of beers and they stop)
Frank: Hey dudes. You thirsty?
Sully: Whoa Frank, you got a job selling beer?
Frank: No. (He drinks one of the beers) Hey I saw a set list on google-dot-com. Bruce is going to play for like 7 hours. I hope he plays Justice Girl. (walking away) BRUCE SPRINGFIELD!!
Denise: 7 hours! Skayner, youre totally going to miss the birth of your child!
Scotty: Oh look it! The fact is, Im 100% sure that this is Bruce Springsteen, Im only like 60% sure thats my kid.
Sully: Yeah, unlike Skayners kid, Bruce isnt going to surprise everyone by coming out half black!
Scotty: Oh look!! Here we go, here we go!! (the entire crowd of begin cheering) Hey, hey, hey, HEY!! Let me make something abundantly clear. I dont want any of you drunks singing along to Thunder road in my ear. I came here to see the boss, not the shipping department at Circuit City. And I got a sock full of pennys for anyone who thinks I am joking!! (Scotty starts twirling the sock around) WHO WANTS IT? WHO WANTS IT? (he stops)
(Bruce begins to play, as the crowd goes wild. Dancing in the Dark begins to play)
Denise: Oh my god.
Sully: Dancing in the dark, interesting choice
Denise: Hes looking right at me, OH MY GOD!! (a spotlight goes onto Denise and she walks towards the stage)
Scotty: No way!! (A hand grabs Denises and Sully and Scotty try to help her up)
Sully: Get up there girl!! Get up there!!
Scotty: Use your legs!!
Denise: (to Bruce) I cant believe it!!
Sully: This is what you get for skipping Phys. Ed.
Scotty: Your upper arm strength is sorely lacking.
Denise: Get me up here. (to Bruce) Your so gorgeous!!
Sully: Its the jugs!! He cant lift the jugs!! (they give up, and another Bruce grabs another girls hand and pulls her onto stage)
Denise: Oh my god, Im wicked devastated!!
Sully: Dont be sad Zazoo, Id rather dance with you than Courtney Cox.
Denise: Awww (they start making out)
Scotty: Not me, Id take Cox any day! Give me Cox all the time, I want Cox all over me!! (Sully and Denise stop making out)
Sully: Oh my god, Tommy please tell me you got any one of those! (the camera nods yes, and Sully and Denise make out again)
Submitted by: Roseanne S.