Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
Dr. Matt Damon
Dr. Matt Damon…..Chris Parnell
Pat Damon…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad…..Darrell Hammond
Ben Affleck…..Tracy Morgan
Dr. Julius Erving…..Dean Edwards
[ open on Matt Damon sitting on a park bench, as a man dressed in a doctor’s lab coat steps forward ]
Dr. Matt Damon: Uh, excuse me.. I-I hate to bother you, but are you Matt Damon?
Matt Damon: Uh.. yeah.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ chuckles ] That’s amazing.. that’s really amazing!
Matt Damon: Uh, well.. [ laughs, though he isn’t sure why ]
Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. because my name’s also Matt Damon.
Matt Damon: [ now amazed as well ] Oh, really?
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.
Matt Damon: [ notices name tag on doctor’s lab coat ] Oh, yeah! There.. “Dr. Matt Damon”!
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, I’m the Chief of Ontcology at Mount Sinai.
Matt Damon: Oh, that’s great, man! [ extends hand to shake ] Matt Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ shakes hands with Matt Damon ] Matt Damon. [ awkward, determined pause ] Yo-o-ou have no idea what it’s been like for me. You have absolutely no idea! [ chuckles ]
Matt Damon: Ohhhh..
Dr. Matt Damon: My whole life, I was Matt Damon! I just took it for granted. [ chuckles ] And then I had my very identity ripped away.
Matt Damon: Hey. Come on, man, that’s not true. Your identity’s not about your name, man. It’s about who you are, what you do.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughs ] That’s easy for you to say, Matt Damon. For 32 years, I was “Matt Damon”. “Handsome Matt”. “Funny Matt”. High school quarterback. First in my class at medical school. Youngest department head in Mount Sinai history. And then, suddenly, you come along, and everyone I meet is disappointed that I’m not the “real” Matt Damon. I’m just.. a sad imposter.
Matt Damon: Come on, man, that’s just ridiculous! You’re obviously very accomplished.
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, well, too bad they don’t give out Oscars for Ontcology.
Matt Damon: Yeah, but you probably saved lives.
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah.. probably.[ an attractive woman walks past the back of the park bench, but stops when she thinks she recognizes Matt Damon ]
Pat Damon: Oh, my God! Are you Matt Damon?!
Matt Damon: Yeah..
Dr. Matt Damon: I’m gonna puke..
Pat Damon: [ elated ] This is so weird! My name is Pat Damon!
Matt Damon: [ amazed ] Really?
Pat Damon: [ laughs ] Yeah! People always say we should get married! [ laughs ] Who’s your friend?
Matt Damon: Oh.. yeah.. Uh.. Pat Damon, Matt Damon. Matt Damn, Pat Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon: You know, maybe we should get married.
Pat Damon: [ stern ] I don’t think so.
Dr. Matt Damon: [ stung ] Hmm.[ Dr. Matt Damon’s dad wanders into the scene ]
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt! I thought we were gonna meet at the fountain!
Dr. Matt Damon: No, Dad.. we said the bench. [ relunctant ] Uh.. Matt, Pat.. this is my father.
Pat Damon: Hi! Pat Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: Matt Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Matt Damon!
Matt Damon: Oh! So, you’re also a Matt Damon?
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Long before you were a Matt Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: Yeah, but you’re not “the” Matt Damon.
Dr. Matt Damon’s Dad: Yeah, but I once was! And you never will be![ black gentleman enters scene, excited to notice Dr. Matt Damon ]
Ben Affleck: Oh, my.. Matt Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ not particularly interested ] Yeah?
Ben Affleck: Hell yeah, it’s Matt Damon! Oh, man, it’s Matt Damon! I haven’t seen you since high school bra!
Dr. Matt Damon: I’m sorry.. you’re gonna have to refresh my memory..
Ben Affleck: Oh, come on! You don’t remember me? Ben? The Chess Team? Math Society? We won the Drama trophy!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ excited, now that the memories have come back to him ] Oh, my God! Ben Affleck!
Ben Affleck: Right! Oh, man! I can’t believe it! I go for a walk in the park, and who do I bump into – Matt Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing, makes introductions ] Ben, this is my father, Matt Damon.
Ben Affleck: Go ahead!
Dr. Matt Damon: Uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon. Uh.. Pat Damon, Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck, Pat Damon. Uh.. and, of course, Matt Damon![ black doctor enters scene ]
Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon! Dr. Damon!
Dr. Matt Damon: Oh! Dr. Julius Erving! Um.. Matt Damon, uh.. Pat Damon, uh.. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, uh.. Dr. J. Dr. J., Matt Damon, Pat Damon, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck.
Dr. Julius Erving: Dr. Damon, I-I just got the results back from the lab, and they were conclusive. You did it!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ numb, can’t believe his ears ] I did it..! I cured cancer! Matt Damon cured cancer! I’m Matt Damon – The Matt Damon! I’m #1! I’m #1! The most famous Matt Damon in the world!
Matt Damon: Congratulations!
Dr. Matt Damon: [ laughing hysterically ] I’M MATT DAMON!![ cut to newspaper article with headline: “Matt Damon Cures Cancer” ] [ zoom out on newspaper, to reveal bigger article at the top of the page with headline: “Matt Damon Engaged” ] [ fade ]