Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
The Dr. Phil Show
Female Voiceover…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Phil…..Jeff Richards
Female Guest…..Maya Rudolph
Santa Claus…..Will Forte
Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. He’s insightful.[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]
Dr. Phil: If you want to have a bowl of cereal.. you better get yourself, a bowl, and guess what? You better find yourself some cereal, as well, in addition to milk. and sugar, if you want.
Female Voiceover: He’s provocative.
Dr. Phil: Take your top off.[ without questioning him, female guest removes her top ]
Female Voiceover: And he knows the answers.[ cut to interview with Santa Claus from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]
Dr. Phil: So, you think that these kids, uh.. won’t love you, if.. if you don’t give them toys?
Santa Claus: [ meekly ] I guess you’re right..
Dr. Phil: [ sighs painfully ] You must have a pretty low opinion of yourself.
Santa Claus: I guess I do..
Dr. Phil: I mean.. I want kids all over the world, to love me so much so, that I structure my life around delivering toys to them!
Santa Claus: I see your point..
Dr. Phil: I mean, a rooster only crows so many times before the mama knows a henhouse fulla graham crackers!
Santa Claus: [ confused ] What the hell does that mean?
Dr. Phil: It means.. you can stuff as many donuts in that mouth as you can, that Santa suit’s only gonna stretch so far, fat ass!
Santa Claus: [ offended ] What?! What did you just say? That was mean! Was that supposed to help me?!
Dr. Phil: I mean, the rabbit hole doesn’t help the rabbit, unless blink-blop-blink!
Santa Claus: That didn’t make any sense, either.
Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you’re a fat, old perv! Now, how that.. how’s that workin’ for ya’?!
Santa Claus: I came here to work on myself! This is ridiculous! [ walks off set ]
Dr. Phil: Stupid perv!
Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. Weekdays at three.