SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: The Dr. Phil Show

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1



02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

The Dr. Phil Show

Female Voiceover…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Phil…..Jeff Richards
Female Guest…..Maya Rudolph
Santa Claus…..Will Forte

Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. He’s insightful.

[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: If you want to have a bowl of cereal.. you better get yourself, a bowl, and guess what? You better find yourself some cereal, as well, in addition to milk. and sugar, if you want.

Female Voiceover: He’s provocative.

[ cut to scene from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: Take your top off.

[ without questioning him, female guest removes her top ]

Female Voiceover: And he knows the answers.

[ cut to interview with Santa Claus from “The Dr. Phil Show” ]

Dr. Phil: So, you think that these kids, uh.. won’t love you, if.. if you don’t give them toys?

Santa Claus: [ meekly ] I guess you’re right..

Dr. Phil: [ sighs painfully ] You must have a pretty low opinion of yourself.

Santa Claus: I guess I do..

Dr. Phil: I mean.. I want kids all over the world, to love me so much so, that I structure my life around delivering toys to them!

Santa Claus: I see your point..

Dr. Phil: I mean, a rooster only crows so many times before the mama knows a henhouse fulla graham crackers!

Santa Claus: [ confused ] What the hell does that mean?

Dr. Phil: It means.. you can stuff as many donuts in that mouth as you can, that Santa suit’s only gonna stretch so far, fat ass!

Santa Claus: [ offended ] What?! What did you just say? That was mean! Was that supposed to help me?!

Dr. Phil: I mean, the rabbit hole doesn’t help the rabbit, unless blink-blop-blink!

Santa Claus: That didn’t make any sense, either.

Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? Well, I think you’re a fat, old perv! Now, how that.. how’s that workin’ for ya’?!

Santa Claus: I came here to work on myself! This is ridiculous! [ walks off set ]

Dr. Phil: Stupid perv!

Female Voiceover: “Dr. Phil”. Weekdays at three.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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