Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan
Gabby Connors…..Horatio Sanz
Sean Kelly…..Matt Damon
[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)
[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]
Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow!! Hey! Dig this! Tonight, we’re gonna meet some animals that are very messy, becuase some of them were raised in a barn! I’m very excited! so, let’s get going! Our first guest is like a human cactus! Please welcome.. a porcu-pi-i-i-ine!
[ Dale Dudley enters with porcupine ]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?!
Dale Dudley: Uh.. I’m Dale Dudley, from the Texas Wildlife Center in Austin.
Brian Fellow: Hello, Austin!
Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] No, I’m from the Wildlife Center in Austin. My name is Dale Dudley.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!!
Dale Dudley: Hello, Brian. I want you to meet my porcupine friend – his name is Willy.
Brian Fellow: That rat needs a haircut!
Dale Dudley: You’re.. half right. The porcupine is in the rodent family. Those hairs are actually a thousand quills.
Brian Fellow: All I’m saying is he needs a haircut! Looking all homeless, and stuff!
Dale Dudley: [ chuckles ] His shaggy appearance is helpful in many ways.
Brian Fellow: Well, I imagine that his short quils are evolution’s way of providing him with an excellent defense against his natural predators!
Dale Dudley: [ smiles ] Yea-ah! That’s very good, yeah.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brain Fellow!!
Dale Dudley: [ continues ] And his quills are also important in the mating process, see? The male impregnates the female by spraying her quills..
Brian Fellow: [ angered ] Hush up! That dirty talk!
Dale Dudley: I’m sorry?
Brian Fellow: We don’t talk about the birds and the bees on this show! Unless our guests are birds or bees! And sometimes not even then!
Dale Dudley: I’m sorry.
Brian Fellow: Keep it clean, please!
Dale Dudley: Alright. Well.. the quills are also used in self-defense. The tail is covered with over 30,000 quills, set in, uh.. you know, snake barbs. Right? So, they can give you avery nasty prick-
Brian Fellow: See, that’s it! I said no dirty talk! That is it! Take him away! You and your shaggy friend have to go! Please! [ Dale exits with his porcupine ] Put some soap in your mouth! I apologize about that, ladies and gentlemen. Hopefully, we’ll bleep that on the West Coast. [ pauses, then smiles ] Our next guest likes mus and going to the market. Please welcome, a pot-bellied pi-i-i-i-igg!
[ Sean Kelly enters with pot-bellied pig ]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Sean Kelly: I’m Sean Kelly, from the Shawndale Ranch in Modesto, California.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!
Sean Kelly: Hi, Brian!
Brian Fellow: Hi-i-i!!
Sean Kelly: Hello. Uh.. this is Zevon.. and he’s a two-year old pot-bellied pig.
Brian Fellow: I don’t care what he is! He better not talk dirty like that cactus rat! I know that!
Sean Kelly: Uh, no.. he won’t.. but, although pigs are known to play in the mud a bit, they are surprisingly, uh.. clean animals. They make excellent housepets..
Brian Fellow: Why does that pig hate Jewish people?! Why? Why? Tell us why he hates Jewish people!
Sean Kelly: [ confused ] I-I have no idea what you’re talking about..
Brian Fellow: Well, you would think that, since they don’t eat him, he would be happy!
Sean Kelly: [ more confused ] O-kay. [ quick pause ] Well, miniature pot-bellied pigs aren’t bred to be eaten by anyone, so.. so they are happy.
Brian Fellow: I know your pig got a fat gut! He should wear a big belt buckle! That’s what my Uncle Kool-Aid does.
Sean Kelly: [ confused ] You have an Uncle Kool-Aid?
Brian Fellow: Leave Kool-Aid out of this, please! So, tell us: how is different than a regular pig?
Sean Kelly: Oh, well, that’s a great question. Uh.. besides the obvios size.. [ touches top of pig cage ]
Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] Don’t let him out!
Sean Kelly: Well, okay, but.. but.. besides the obvious size difference, the snout on miniatures is significantly longer than most..
[ Sean keeps talking, as Brian’s mind wanders to thoughts of the porcupine talking to him ]
Porcupine: Hey, Brian! Your show is going down the toilet! There’s only one way to save it: let me show everybody my weiner!
Brian Fellow: [ alarmed ] NO!!! IU son’t want to see your weiner!
Sean Kelly: [ confused ] Uh, well.. I.. I had no intention of showing you my weiner.
Brian Fellow: Well, can you and your bloated friend kill a porcupine?!
Sean Kelly: Uh.. I run a shelter for animals.. I don’t kill them..
Brian Fellow: [ waves $5 bill seductively ] What if Abe Lincoln asked you to do it?
Sean Kelly: Absolutely not!
Brian Fellow: Well, I guess I gotta kill him myself! Well, that’s all the time we have for today! Join me next time when my guest will be a fruit fly! ‘Cause that’s crazy!! And I’m Brian Fellow!!
[ music plays, fade to dark ]