Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
Hannibal Goes to College
Hannibal Lecter…..Matt Damon
Roommate #1…..Seth Meyers
Roommate #2…..Will Forte
Roommate #3…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mrs. Lecter…..Amy Poehler
Announcer: Before “The Silence Of The Lambs”. Before “Hannibal”. There was a vision of evil in its purest form – “Red Dragon”. But before that, there was the first and most terrifying chapter of the Hannibal Lecter saga.[ dissolve to Hannibal Lecter entering his college dorm room for the first time ]
Hannibal Lecter: Well, hello, gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Announcer: His freshman year of college.
Hannibal Lecter: I’m Hannibal. And, since we’re going to be roommates this year, then, perhaps, you’d ike to join me for dinner. [ Roommate #3 rubs his crotch at Hannibal ] Or, how about some frisbee in the quad, or hackeysack? [ Roommate #3 throws an empty beer can at Hannibal’s head ] Very well, then.
Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. A psychopath. A genius. A freshman at Michigan State. To understand evil, you must witness its savage beginnings.[ dissolve to Hannibal holding up a poster ]
Hannibal Lecter: So.. does anyone mind if I hang this up over here?
Roommate #1: Bite me!
Hannibal Lecter: Oh, I assure you.. I’d like nothing better. [ flicks his tongue menacingly ] [ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]
Roommate #2: Dude! I told you he was gay!
Hannibal Lecter: I’m not gay! I’m telling you.. I want to taste your sweet flesh. Okay, that does sound a little gay..
Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. Evil is shaped. Cruelty is refined. And savagery earns extra pizza mony by working in the cafeteria.[ dissolve to Hannibal returning to the room from work ]
Roommate #3: Dude. I think you got a message.
Hannibal Lecter: I can tell by the tone of your voice, that you have something in your past that terrified you. Something that steals your sleep, bathes your sheets in a cold sweat.
Roommate #3: Just answer your message, Asswipe![ Hannibal plays the message ]
Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Hannie, honey.. hi, it’s Mom. I got your messagge. and, if those boys tease you about wearing your bathing suit in the shower, you tease them right back!
Roommate #1: Woosie! woosie!
Hannibal Lecter: I wouldn’t mock me. Once before, a man mocked me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice-[ answering machine plays next message ]
Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Oh, honey.. don’t overdo it on the fava beans, now. You know how they give you the toots. Bye bye![ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]
Announcer: Madness. Genius. Evil.[ dissolve to Hannibal sitting on the toilet with an empty roll of toilet paper ]
Hannibal Lecter: You know, fellows.. out of four roommates, you would think that I wouldn’t have to be the only one who gets new toilet paper. I mean, it’s common courtesy – you use up a roll, you get a new one.
Announcer: His evil can be contained. But it cannot be controlled.
“Baby, if you’ve ever wondered
Wondered what ever became of me.
I’m living on the air.. in Cincinnati
Roommate #1: Dude. What are you doing?
Hannibal Lecter: [ meekly ] Pretending I’m Johnny Fever..?
Announcer: The beginning of evil. “Hannibal Lector Goes To College”.[ dissolve to close-up of Hannibal wearing a muffler over his mouth ]
Hannibal Lecter: Gentlemen..
..Let me out of here![ SUPER: “This Fall” ]