SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Hannibal Goes to College


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Hannibal Goes to College

Hannibal Lecter…..Matt Damon
Roommate #1…..Seth Meyers
Roommate #2…..Will Forte
Roommate #3…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mrs. Lecter…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Before “The Silence Of The Lambs”. Before “Hannibal”. There was a vision of evil in its purest form – “Red Dragon”. But before that, there was the first and most terrifying chapter of the Hannibal Lecter saga.

[ dissolve to Hannibal Lecter entering his college dorm room for the first time ]

Hannibal Lecter: Well, hello, gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Announcer: His freshman year of college.

Hannibal Lecter: I’m Hannibal. And, since we’re going to be roommates this year, then, perhaps, you’d ike to join me for dinner. [ Roommate #3 rubs his crotch at Hannibal ] Or, how about some frisbee in the quad, or hackeysack? [ Roommate #3 throws an empty beer can at Hannibal’s head ] Very well, then.

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. A psychopath. A genius. A freshman at Michigan State. To understand evil, you must witness its savage beginnings.

[ dissolve to Hannibal holding up a poster ]

Hannibal Lecter: So.. does anyone mind if I hang this up over here?

Roommate #1: Bite me!

Hannibal Lecter: Oh, I assure you.. I’d like nothing better. [ flicks his tongue menacingly ] [ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Roommate #2: Dude! I told you he was gay!

Hannibal Lecter: I’m not gay! I’m telling you.. I want to taste your sweet flesh. Okay, that does sound a little gay..

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. Evil is shaped. Cruelty is refined. And savagery earns extra pizza mony by working in the cafeteria.

[ dissolve to Hannibal returning to the room from work ]

Roommate #3: Dude. I think you got a message.

Hannibal Lecter: I can tell by the tone of your voice, that you have something in your past that terrified you. Something that steals your sleep, bathes your sheets in a cold sweat.

Roommate #3: Just answer your message, Asswipe!

[ Hannibal plays the message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Hannie, honey.. hi, it’s Mom. I got your messagge. and, if those boys tease you about wearing your bathing suit in the shower, you tease them right back!

Roommate #1: Woosie! woosie!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Hannibal Lecter: I wouldn’t mock me. Once before, a man mocked me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice-

[ answering machine plays next message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Oh, honey.. don’t overdo it on the fava beans, now. You know how they give you the toots. Bye bye!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Announcer: Madness. Genius. Evil.

[ dissolve to Hannibal sitting on the toilet with an empty roll of toilet paper ]

Hannibal Lecter: You know, fellows.. out of four roommates, you would think that I wouldn’t have to be the only one who gets new toilet paper. I mean, it’s common courtesy – you use up a roll, you get a new one.

Announcer: His evil can be contained. But it cannot be controlled.

[ dissolve to Hannibal standing in front of the mirror, hairbrush held in front of him like a microphone as he sings along to the “Theme From WKRP In Cincinnati” ]

Hannibal Lecter:
“Baby, if you’ve ever wondered
Wondered what ever became of me.
I’m living on the air.. in Cincinnati
Cincinnati, WKRP.”

Roommate #1: Dude. What are you doing?

Hannibal Lecter: [ meekly ] Pretending I’m Johnny Fever..?

Announcer: The beginning of evil. “Hannibal Lector Goes To College”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Hannibal wearing a muffler over his mouth ]

Hannibal Lecter: Gentlemen..

[ dissolve to full shot of Hannibal harnessed from head to toe ]

..Let me out of here!

[ SUPER: “This Fall” ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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