SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Hannibal Goes to College

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Hannibal Goes to College

Hannibal Lecter…..Matt Damon
Roommate #1…..Seth Meyers
Roommate #2…..Will Forte
Roommate #3…..Horatio Sanz
Voice of Mrs. Lecter…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Before “The Silence Of The Lambs”. Before “Hannibal”. There was a vision of evil in its purest form – “Red Dragon”. But before that, there was the first and most terrifying chapter of the Hannibal Lecter saga.

[ dissolve to Hannibal Lecter entering his college dorm room for the first time ]

Hannibal Lecter: Well, hello, gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Announcer: His freshman year of college.

Hannibal Lecter: I’m Hannibal. And, since we’re going to be roommates this year, then, perhaps, you’d ike to join me for dinner. [ Roommate #3 rubs his crotch at Hannibal ] Or, how about some frisbee in the quad, or hackeysack? [ Roommate #3 throws an empty beer can at Hannibal’s head ] Very well, then.

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. A psychopath. A genius. A freshman at Michigan State. To understand evil, you must witness its savage beginnings.

[ dissolve to Hannibal holding up a poster ]

Hannibal Lecter: So.. does anyone mind if I hang this up over here?

Roommate #1: Bite me!

Hannibal Lecter: Oh, I assure you.. I’d like nothing better. [ flicks his tongue menacingly ] [ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Roommate #2: Dude! I told you he was gay!

Hannibal Lecter: I’m not gay! I’m telling you.. I want to taste your sweet flesh. Okay, that does sound a little gay..

Announcer: Hannibal Lecter. Evil is shaped. Cruelty is refined. And savagery earns extra pizza mony by working in the cafeteria.

[ dissolve to Hannibal returning to the room from work ]

Roommate #3: Dude. I think you got a message.

Hannibal Lecter: I can tell by the tone of your voice, that you have something in your past that terrified you. Something that steals your sleep, bathes your sheets in a cold sweat.

Roommate #3: Just answer your message, Asswipe!

[ Hannibal plays the message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Hannie, honey.. hi, it’s Mom. I got your messagge. and, if those boys tease you about wearing your bathing suit in the shower, you tease them right back!

Roommate #1: Woosie! woosie!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Hannibal Lecter: I wouldn’t mock me. Once before, a man mocked me. I hate his liver with some fava beans and a nice-

[ answering machine plays next message ]

Voice of Mrs. Lecter: Oh, honey.. don’t overdo it on the fava beans, now. You know how they give you the toots. Bye bye!

[ Hannibal’s roommates laugh at him ]

Announcer: Madness. Genius. Evil.

[ dissolve to Hannibal sitting on the toilet with an empty roll of toilet paper ]

Hannibal Lecter: You know, fellows.. out of four roommates, you would think that I wouldn’t have to be the only one who gets new toilet paper. I mean, it’s common courtesy – you use up a roll, you get a new one.

Announcer: His evil can be contained. But it cannot be controlled.

[ dissolve to Hannibal standing in front of the mirror, hairbrush held in front of him like a microphone as he sings along to the “Theme From WKRP In Cincinnati” ]

Hannibal Lecter:
“Baby, if you’ve ever wondered
Wondered what ever became of me.
I’m living on the air.. in Cincinnati
Cincinnati, WKRP.”

Roommate #1: Dude. What are you doing?

Hannibal Lecter: [ meekly ] Pretending I’m Johnny Fever..?

Announcer: The beginning of evil. “Hannibal Lector Goes To College”.

[ dissolve to close-up of Hannibal wearing a muffler over his mouth ]

Hannibal Lecter: Gentlemen..

[ dissolve to full shot of Hannibal harnessed from head to toe ]

..Let me out of here!

[ SUPER: “This Fall” ]

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