Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
Matt Damon’s Monologue
Justin Guarini…..Maya Rudolph
Britney Spears…..Amy Poehler
Justin Timberlake…..Matt Damon
Matt Damon: Thank you very much! Alright! I am so excited to be here, hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”! Alright! You know, I knew I was hosting all the way back in June, and I’ve been thinking about this all summer. There were so many great stories! I’m serious! There were so many stories that would have been perfect for me to do on this show. For instance, like the Martha Stewart scandal. I mean, I could have, like, played her broker: “Sell, Martha! Sell!” Or, one of my favorite fighters of all time – Mike Tyson – before the fight: “My defense is impregnable!” And then, after the fight: “Lennox, you hit me so hard!” And how about that dude from “American Idol”? I know Maya was dying to play that guy.[ Maya Rudolph steps out dressed as Justin Guarini ]
Justin Guarini: “I don’t care how you get her, just.. get here. If you ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!”[ Maya exits ]
Matt Damon: See, that would’ve been fun if we could have done that one. But there was one thing that happened this summer, that I really wanted to do, in a role I knew I could play. It was right there on the cover of US Weekly, in the upper right-hand corner. [ dissolve to slide of US Weekly with photo of Britney and Justin’s angy dance-off ] The break-up of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears, and their subsequent angry dance-off. The one that occurred in a posh L.A. nightclub called The Lounge, on August 1st, 2002. And so, without further ado.. [ removes jacket and dress shirt, to reveal back t-shirt with Justin sequined across the chest ] I present to you, my favorite story of the summer. Uh.. when you next see me, I’ll be playing the part of Justin Timberlake.
Caitlin: That sushi was so good, you guys! Oh, my God – Britney, Justin’s here!
Britney Spears: Wha-at? Are you sure Caitlin? Turn around and check it out, JIC.
Britney Spears: JIC! Just In Case!
Caitlin: Oh. [ looks, ] Uh.. yeah. It’s him.
Britney Spears: Ugh! So much drama for a Chill Thursday, y’all!
Justin Timberlake: Hey, yo, Snap! There’s Britney and her fake peeps!
Snap: And those girls she’s been hangin’ with.
Justin Timberlake: YFR.
Justin Timberlake: You Fo’ Real.
Britney Spears: I can hear you, Justin! And, by the way, what are you doing in my club?
Justin Timberlake: Your club? Puh-leez! My stylist was the one who found this place and told your publicist about it, yo!
Britney Spears: Huh! Oh, really? Why don’t you talk to the face! ‘Cause the hands too busy on.. things.. often. Whatever!
Justin Timberlake: Yo! We ain’t goin’ nowhere, bizzy-o-o-o-o-otch!
Britney Spears: We’re not going either, y’all!
Caitlin: Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it, Justin, huh?
Justin Timberlake: Well, I don’t know, maybe.. bust a move?[ the two groups gasp in amazement at the building intensity ]
Britney Spears: You’re gonna bust a move?! That’s funny! ‘Cause I thought I taught you how to bust a move, back in Orlando! Okay, everyone, let’s clear this mess out!
Snap: Angry Dance-Off, yo!
Justin Timberlake: Word!
Caitlin: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Britney Spears: So.. are you ready for this?
Justin Timberlake: Yeah, yeah.. you ready to feel the funk? Check it![ “Everybody Dance Now” plays, as Justin demonstrates his moves ]
Justin Timberlake: Alright, what’s up! What’s up, now?
Britney Spears: Alright.. looks like the running man almost got away from you. Bass!
Justin Timberlake: That ain’t nothing!
Britney Spears: Oh, ya’ll, that makes my boobs hurt![ the music stops ]
Justin Timberlake: Yo! You think this is over? Jizzy-T in the hizzy-t![ Snap pulls out a chair for Justin to dance with ]
Caitlin: Oh, my God, you guys, Justin brought out the chair![ “Gloria” plays, as Justin performs a dance move with the chair ]
Justin Timberlake: Unh!
Britney Spears: Enh!
Justin Timberlake: Unh!
Britney Spears: Ahh!
Caitlin: Oh, my God, y’all, it’s a Sexy Moan-Off!
Justin Timberlake: Hee-ee-ee-ee-ee!
Britney Spears: I-yyyi-yyyi-yyyi![ Justin admits his defeat; Mat Damon breaks character to end the scene ]
Matt Damon: Anyway.. and scene! So, that’s it! That’s the scene I always wanted to do over the summer. Thank you for letting me do it, guys. Uh.. we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!