SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Nutri-Quick

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band


Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Co-Worker #1…..Seth Meyers
Carlson…..Jeff Richards
Co-Worker #2…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: You are what you eat. And, when you’re on the go, you don’t have time for the kind of nutritious meal that your body craves.

[ Co-Worker runs past Carlson, who is trying to eat an armful of lunch items ]

Co-Worker #1: One o’clock meeting. Right, Carlson?

Announcer: And that’s where we come in – the Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go. [ holds up product package ] All the essential nutrients of a well-balanced meal, squeezed into one easy-to-use anal suppository.

[ individual layers of nutrients are piled on top one another in computer graphic, becoming a big block ]

Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go provides protein, calcium, potassium iron, vitamins A, C, D, and fiber. At levels more than twice the FDA recommended daily allowances, and 1.3 times that of the leading energy bar. Now, that’s nutrition I can feel.

[ show Carlson waddling down the hall, with the indention showing under the back of his pants ]

Announcer: So, why slam it?

[ show Carlson with a desk full of food, trying to eat it all ]

Announcer: When you can cram it.

[ show Co-Worker #2 talking to Carlson ]

Co-Worker #2: Hey, Carlson. Great work on that report! What’s your secret?

Carlson: Well.. let’s just say I put my lunch.. up my butt!

[ they share the laugh ]

Announcer: Nutri-Quick Meal-On-The-Go suppositories. Now with high-protein lubricant.

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