SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: NBC Special Report

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

NBC Special Report

Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell
Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: And now, an NBC Special Report.

[ dissolve to Tom Brokaw in the NBC News Studio ]

Tom Brokaw: Good evening. I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight: The War on Iraq. What once seemed like a foregone conclusion, is now mired in political debate. Stalled by Sdaams’ own shell game, and confused by Here to discuss the administration’s plans, from the Persian Gulf, aboard the submarine USS Louisville, vice-President Dick Cheney.Mr. Vice-President?

[ cut to Vice-President Dick Cheney sitting atop a flying missile ]

Dick Cheney: Actually, Tom, I’m no longer on the USS Louisville, as you can see. I’m now sitting on a 1500-ton Tomahawk missile en route to Baghdad!

Tom Brokaw: Mr. Vice-President..I’m sorry, but wasn’t the plan to wait until Congress debated the issue?

Dick Cheney: That was one plan. I had another plan, Tom! You don’t get a pacemaker sitting around watching Anna nichole smith, waiting for the rest of the wrold to join up. Besides, it’s nice to have a missile this size between my legs! [ chuckles ]

Tom Brokaw: It looks like you’re having a snack up there, Mr. Vice-President?

Dick Cheney: It’s a Lunchablkes mini-pizza, tom. They don’t serve a meal on this flight, baby!

[ cell phone rings ]

Dick Cheney: Hold on! I gotta take this, Tom! [ answers cell phone ] Yeah, hello? Hello, Mr. President. No, I’m fine. Hey, listen, you’ll never guess where I’m at. No, I’m not at a sprting goods store! no, I’m not at a taco stand. No, I’m not at Ikea! Yuo know what? Stop guessing! I’m on a missile! [ laughs ] Yeah, I’m heading right into Baghaf! Instant regime change, sir! What’s that? Oh, you want me to tell Saddam something? No. No! I’m not going to say to Saddam, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” You know what? If I may, though, I’d like to pass on to our European friends, and members of Congess, Tom Daschel, the Chinese, I’ve got a helpful reminder – they can all suck on it! Oh yeah, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020. View all posts by Don Roy King