Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
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02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers
…..Matt Damon
Fericito…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
The Senate is expected to vote next week on whether to approve the use of force to oust Saddam Hussein. President Bush said he will watch the results of the vote carefully, then invade Iraq anyway.
New Jersey Senator Robert Torcelli stunned the political world this week, by dropping out of his race after months of well-publicized ethics problems. This leaves New Jersey democrats scrambling for an eye-catching replacement candidate. Thereby, allowing me to utter a sentence I’ve always wanted to say: “Little Steven, your country needs you!”
The New York Post reported that Chelsea Clinton has hired a personal assistant, despite the fact that she doesn’t have a job yet. This has immediately earned her the nickname “White Al Sharpton”.
According to healthy officials, the United States has more than enough smallpox vaccine, in case of a bioterrorist attack. So, now that that’s taken care of, maybe officials can focus on my plan to defend against a much greater threat: Big Pox.
In Milton, New Hampshire, an elementary school principal named Nancy Drew has instituted a new lunchroom policy: classical music is played, and there is no talking allowed. This has inspired a new Nancy Drew novel: “The Mystery of the Old Bitch”.
Tina Fey: Earlier this evening, the heavily-favored New York Yankees lost to the Anaheim Angels, 9 to 5, eliminating them from the Playoffs. This is the first time the Yankees haven’t reached the World Series since 1997. Here to help Yankee fans cope with the disappointment, are Boston Red Sox fans Seth Meyers and Matt Damon.
Seth Meyers: Thank you, Tina! Okay, Yankees fans, we’re here to help – seriously. Right now, you may be feeling something you’re not really used to. It’s called “losing”. Now you know what Matt, myself, and thousands like us go through every year. We’re experts at heartbreaking failure, and we’re gonna walk you through it.
Matt Damon: Okay. The most important thing is: remember to breathe. I know this sounds simple, but.. when the ball went through Buttner’s legs in ’86, I was hospitalized for, like, a week.
Seth Meyers: One thing not to do is take all of your team’s parapharnalia, put it in a big pile, and light it on fire. Trust me, that stuff is expensive to replace, and you will get arrested.
Matt Damon: You spent the last eight Octobers focused on baseball. Why not try football? You still have The Jets. [ audience boos ] Sorry.. I’m sorry..
Jimmy Fallon: That’s a low blow.
Matt Damon: Yeah. My apologies. We should be sensitive.
Seth Meyers: And here’s something you might not know: Fall is awesome. The leaves change color, it’s breathtaking! Ever wonder why New England has such beautiful foliage? It’s God’s way of apologizing.
Matt Damon: And look at this way – at least your favorite player wasn’t cryogenically frozen by his scumbag son.
Seth Meyers: The most important thing to remember is: find someone else to blame. The first thing we do when the Red Sox lose is blame the Yankees. Obviously, that doesn’t work for you. Blame the umpires, or make up some crazy story about a curse.
Matt Damon: That works, too!
Seth Meyers: Uh.. just remember one thing.
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: But if Soriano didn’t drop that pop-up!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: If we had kept Tino!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: If the bullpen had performed better!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Seth Meyers: If I only I had cheered harder!
Matt Damon: It’s not your fault.
Tina Fey: Matt Damon and Seth Meyers, everyone.
A woman in Auburn, Washington was injured, when an explosion ripped apart a large storage container, freeing hundreds of her exotic flying squirrels. Actually, to be accurate, they only became flying squirrels after the explosion.
Tina Fey: According to Time Magazine, Amercian Taliban John Walker Lindh became an Islamic militant with the encouragement of a Pakistani businessman who was his gay lover. Walker’s relatives contend that John is not gay, it was just that he couldn’t help but succumb to the erotic wiles of this Pakistani businessman. [ shows picture ] Look at this guy! He’d turn anyone gay! He’s like Rupert Everett – whoo-oo! Really, is there any sexier pair of words than “Pakistani businessman”? By the way, John Walker Lindh lived in San Francisco for a while. How screwed up do you have to be to leave San Francisco and go to the remote caves of Afghanistan to explore your homosexuality?
Scientists say the detection of particles of West Nile Virus in the breast milk of a Michigan woman earlier this month, is not cause for alarm. But, just to be on the safe side, they are warning Michigan residents not to suck the woman’s nipples.
Rumors are circulating that Julia Roberts is pregnant. Insiders say that Julia has been busy buying clothes and redecorating a room in her house for.. whoever she will be married to when the baby is born.
Jimmy Fallon: Officials at a zoo in Bangladesh said the zookeeper was killed by two black bears, in an attempt to-
Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait! Why did you have to say they’re black bears? How is the color of their fur relevent?
Jimmy Fallon: Well, but they were black bears.
Tina Fey: Oh. But if they were polar bears, you wouldn’t say two white bears attacked someone. You’re prejudice, Jimmy! You’re-you’re a specist!
Jimmy Fallon: Specist? Really?
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, I’m gonna make a fool out of you – maybe. ‘Cause I travel around with something. I don’t know, maybe you want to see this? [ takes out picture ] My wife is a black bear! [ reveals the picture of himself with the black bear ] So, now, who’s the idiot – you or me, the guy who married a black bear? [ silence from Tina ] I thought so!
A group of high school football players in Massachusetts turned away a hired stripper from their pre-game party, saying, “This is football, we don’t do that kind of thing.” That’s fantastic. I’d like to say congratulations and good luck, to the Northeastern High Gay Birds.
Tina Fey: Twiggy, the former 60’s fashion model, returned to the catwalk this weekend, but said that, next ot today’s waify models, she felt fat and short. Oh wait, did I say Twiggy? I meant Ziggy. Ziggy said that. Sorry. That’s my favorite joke of all time!
Jimmy Fallon: Ziggy! Uh.. you know, folks, I’m glad I got a chance to talk to you. I spent some time in South America this summer,uh.. and I saw an amazing comedian in Venezuela. He’s here tonight to perform for us. Please welcome Ferecito, everybody!
Fericito: Alright! Alright! I’m Ferecito, and I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezuela. And, Yimmy, I am so happy to be here in America! But one thing I don’t understand, is American comedy. I just don’t get it! There’s no action! There’s no excitement!
Jimmy Fallon: What do you mean?
Fericito: I’m gonna show you how we do it in Venezuela – Latino-style! Let’s have a little clapping, like this! That’s right, it’s good, it’s good, alright! [ bangs on drums ] Did you feel it! Did you feel it! I’m playing salsa music for you on the timbalas! And I know a lot of you people think that Latin music is all about stupid things like Shakira and Enrique Iglesias. But we have a lot more to offer – like Menudo! [ tpas on timbalas ] Dios mio! [ makes face, eyes bulge out ] Seriously, man. It’s hard growing up Latino in this country. You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids! So I went home to my grandmother, I say, “Abuelita! Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I’m Latino?” She said, “No. Because you’re 23!” [ bangs timbalas ] Dios Mio! You see, Yimmy? That’s how you do it!
Jimmy Fallon: I guess so. Yeah.
Fericito: You know what I notice about you, whenever you do a punchline?
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Fericito: Absolutely nothing.
Jimmy Fallon: What.. what do you mean, nothing? What do you mean?
Fericito: When you make a yoke.. you have to make it obvious to the audience!
Jimmy Fallon: When am I doing jokes?
Fericito: Are you okay?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah..
Fericito: You gotta make a face like this, close your eyes. [ demonstrates ]
Jimmy Fallon: Ah.. I don’t know if that’s my thing, I-I-I..
Fericito: Yeah! You have to have a catch phrase! Do you have a catch phrase?
Jimmy Fallon: No, I don’t have one.
Fericito: Okay, I’ll give you one. Do this one: “I’m just keeeeeding!”
Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know..
Fericito: Yeah! Because.. because you’re just kidding, right? This is not really the news!
Jimmy Fallon: No, it’s definitely not really the news, I’m joking..
Fericito: Okay, so then do it! You do your joke and go: “I’m just keeeeeding!”
Jimmy Fallon: I know, that’s not really me, though, I really wouldn’t, uh..
Fericito: Watch Fericito! It goes like this: “Scientists say the detection of West Nile Virus in the breast milk is not cause for alarm. But, just to be sure, don’t suck on her nipples.” I’m just keeeeeding!
[ audience is impressed ]Jimmy Fallon: Yeah!
Fericito: It’s a lot better, it’s more professional! [ bangs his timbalas ]
Jimmy Fallon: Fericito, everybody! Fericito!
A Tennessee man plans to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles with her fingernails. And that’s the news from Tennessee!
Jimmy Fallon: U.S. doctors say they have managed to growing living pigs’ teeth in rats, a feat which scientists say could spark a dental revolution. I don ‘t see what the big deal is. We’ve been growing horse teeth in Carly Simon for years. I’m just keeeeeding!
Fericito: You see? That’s much better! much better! More professional!
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
