SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Versace Pockets


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Versace Pockets

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Seth Meyers
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
P. Diddy…..Tracy Morgan
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Axl Rose…..Matt Damon

[ open on couple sitting on their living room couch ]

Wife: I’m hungry.

Husband: Me, too.

Wife: I don’t feel like cooking.

Husband: I don’t feel like going out.

[ Donatella Versace rises from behind their couch ]

Donatella Versace: Now you don’t have to.

Together: Donatella Versace?!

Husband: What are you doing behind our couch?

Donatella Versace: I was hoping you would know the answer to that.. Anyway, sounds like somebody needs a snack.

[ dance music pots up ]

Donatella Versace: Check it out. I’ve done it again. New Versace Pockets.

Together: Versace Pockets?!

Donatella Versace: Yes. All the wonderful famous people who like to eat frozen food. Just listen to my friend, P. Diddy..

[ cut to P. Diddy ]

P. Diddy: I always wanted frozen food. But I wanted to pay more for it. Now, I can. Finally. Microwavable food with bling.

[ Donatella steps out of P. Diddy’s freezer ]

Donatella Versace: That’s right, P. Diddy. Because each Versace Pocket comes in its own disposable $75,000 diamond tote!

P. Diddy: Whatchoo doin’ in my freezer?

Donatella Versace: I have no idea.. Versace Pockets come in three exciting flavors. Monterey Chicken.. Champagne.. and my personal favorite, Cheesy Chili Cheeseburger. Now, if you haven’t believed a damn word I’ve said to you so far, then listen to more celebrities go on and on about it.

[ cut to extra dikey-looking Rosie O’Donnell ]

Rosie O’Donnell: Since I quit my TV show and dumped that crapola magazine, I can’t scarf down enough of these delicious Versace Pockets! Nice work, Donna! [ ]

Donatella Versace: And if you still don’t believe that the damn Versace Pockets taste great, just ask my personal new best friend, Mr. Axl Rose.

[ cut to Axl Rose ]

Axl Rose: [ singing ]“You know where you are!
You’re in the microwave, baby!
You’re gonna get eaten!

Donatella Versace: So, quit eating that crap you usually eat, and eat this crap instead.

Axl Rose: Versace Pockets.. rock!

Donatella Versace: From your kitchen to your pie hole; from your pie hole to your poop shoot. The Versace Pockets. Now, please, get out.

Announcer: Versace Pockets. Available by appointment only.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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