Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 1
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
P. Diddy…..Tracy Morgan
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Axl Rose…..Matt Damon
[ open on couple sitting on their living room couch ]
Wife: I’m hungry.
Husband: Me, too.
Wife: I don’t feel like cooking.
Husband: I don’t feel like going out.
[ Donatella Versace rises from behind their couch ]
Donatella Versace: Now you don’t have to.
Together: Donatella Versace?!
Husband: What are you doing behind our couch?
Donatella Versace: I was hoping you would know the answer to that.. Anyway, sounds like somebody needs a snack.
[ dance music pots up ]
Donatella Versace: Check it out. I’ve done it again. New Versace Pockets.
Together: Versace Pockets?!
Donatella Versace: Yes. All the wonderful famous people who like to eat frozen food. Just listen to my friend, P. Diddy..
[ cut to P. Diddy ]
P. Diddy: I always wanted frozen food. But I wanted to pay more for it. Now, I can. Finally. Microwavable food with bling.
[ Donatella steps out of P. Diddy’s freezer ]
Donatella Versace: That’s right, P. Diddy. Because each Versace Pocket comes in its own disposable $75,000 diamond tote!
P. Diddy: Whatchoo doin’ in my freezer?
Donatella Versace: I have no idea.. Versace Pockets come in three exciting flavors. Monterey Chicken.. Champagne.. and my personal favorite, Cheesy Chili Cheeseburger. Now, if you haven’t believed a damn word I’ve said to you so far, then listen to more celebrities go on and on about it.
[ cut to extra dikey-looking Rosie O’Donnell ]
Rosie O’Donnell: Since I quit my TV show and dumped that crapola magazine, I can’t scarf down enough of these delicious Versace Pockets! Nice work, Donna! [ ]
Donatella Versace: And if you still don’t believe that the damn Versace Pockets taste great, just ask my personal new best friend, Mr. Axl Rose.
[ cut to Axl Rose ]
Axl Rose: [ singing ]
“You know where you are!
You’re in the microwave, baby!
You’re gonna get eaten!
Donatella Versace: So, quit eating that crap you usually eat, and eat this crap instead.
Axl Rose: Versace Pockets.. rock!
Donatella Versace: From your kitchen to your pie hole; from your pie hole to your poop shoot. The Versace Pockets. Now, please, get out.
Announcer: Versace Pockets. Available by appointment only.