SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Gellar: 10/12/02: Arli$$


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill


Woman…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Faith Hill
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on Woman delivering testimonial as she sits on couch ]

Woman: You know the feeling. Someone’s about to tell a joke, and.. you panic. What if you start laughing? Lots of us experience slight loss of bladder control. An embarrassing accident can happen.. any time. Sometimes, just when laughing. [ a beat ] That’s why I watch “Arli$$” on HBO Comedy. It’s nice to know that, every weekday at midnight, I can sit down with Robert Wuhl and the gang at Arliss Michaels Sports Management, and, a half-hour later, my drawers will be as dry as a bone. And now I know I’ll be able to get 100% bladder control whenever I’m feeling insecure. Because all seven seasons of “Arli$$” are now available on DBD. That’s over forty hours of keep-your-pants-dry entertainment! So, don’t let slight loss of bladder control cramp your style. Watch “Arli$$”, and.. take back your life.

Ask your doctor if “Arli$$” is right for you. Side effects may include nausea, depression, and slight sexual dysfunction.

[ cameras zoom out, as Sarah Michelle Gellar frees herself from character and rises to run to her next costume change ] [ Tracy Morgan enters set ]

Tracy Morgan: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s up, Sarah?

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hey, Tracy! How’s it going?

Tracy Morgan: Sweet! You wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette I could bum, would you?

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uhhh.. again, I told you I don’t smoke, so, no, I wouldn’t have any cigarettes on me.

Tracy Morgan: It’s cool, don’t worry about it.. I just heard some trash-talking about you, I thought you might want to hear it.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: [ curious ] What’s that?

Tracy Morgan: I heard Faith Hill say, “I could beat that Buffy bitch in a lowdown, dirty grab-ass wrestling contest!”

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Sh-she’s been so nice all week, I-I-I just can’t believe she’d say that..

Tracy Morgan: Well, I’m just telling you what I heard she said. And she also said, “I betchoo if we did wrestle, there’s no way Sarah could give me spankings!”

Sarah Michelle Gellar: [ shaking head ] Uhhh.. I ind that a little hard to believe, Tracy..

Tracy Morgan: Then, it’s settled! You two are gonna wrestle!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: I’m not gonna wrestle her!

Tracy Morgan: I understand – you scared.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Well.. no, I’m not scared..

Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] That’s what I like to hear! I’ll go get Faith – you just put this costume on! [ hands Sarah a star-spangled bikini ]

Sarah Michelle Gellar: I-I-I’m not wrestling anyone! And I’m sure as hell not wearing this!

Tracy Morgan: Great! Then, you gonna go butt-naked!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: No!

[ Faith Hill enters set, dressed in her own wardrobe ]

Tracy Morgan: [ looking at Faith ] Where’s your costume?

Faith Hill: [ looks past Tracy, to Sarah ] Sarah, uh.. Tracy told me that you said you could kick my ass in wrestling?

Tracy Morgan: [ gung-ho ] Oh, YEAH!! It’s ON!!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Yeah. There’s been a little misunderstanding. You see, Faith, I-I didn’t say that-

Tracy Morgan: Pulling hair and spankings are legal! Go!!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: What?! No! I’m not going to wrestle her!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s a catfight!

Faith Hill: Okay, Tracy! Okay, stop that!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: You know what we’re gonna do?

Tracy Morgan: [ thinking ] What? You gonna wrestle me? Spank me?

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uh.. no. We’re gonna tell Lorne. Lorne!

Faith Hill: Lorne!

Tracy Morgan: Hey! Come on, be cool! Don’t rat me out!

[ Lorne Michaels enters ]

Lorne Michaels: Tracy, what’s going on here?

Tracy Morgan: Nothing, Lorne.. just a little misunderstanding..

Sarah Michelle Gellar: He was trying to get us to wrestle each other!

Lorne Michaels: Tracy, I thought we had this discussion after the Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys episode?

Tracy Morgan: I was that close!

Lorne Michaels: Tracy, I’ll talk to you later.

Tracy Morgan: [ sighs, exits ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to Sarah and Faith ] I want to apologize. Obviously, no one expects you to wrestle.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: We know that.

Faith Hill: Thanks, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] Although wrestling does have a noble history, dating back to 708 B.C.

Faith Hill: We’re not going to wrestle, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: I would never ask you to – even though, I do hold Greco-Roman Fundraiser every year for needy kids.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. Faith, if it’s for needy kids..

Faith Hill: Don’t buy that! They pulled thesame thing at “Austin City Limits”!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: [ disgusted ] Let’s go!

Lorne Michaels: So, that’s a.. maybe?

[ Sarah and Faith make their exit, as Tracy Morgan peeks back in ]

Tracy Morgan: Did they fall for it?

Lorne Michaels: Unfortunately, no.

Tracy Morgan: [ annoyed ] You can’t do nothing right! I set it up perfect – you supposed to close the deal!

Lorne Michaels: I tried, Tracy..

Tracy Morgan: Man! I don’t know why I keep you around here!

Lorne Michaels: [ holds up hand ] Let’s not say things we can’t take back.

Tracy Morgan: [ yelling ] Go get me a Pepsi, bee-otch!!

[ Lorne retreats for Tracy’s Pepsi ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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