Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill
Arli$$
Woman…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Faith Hill
…..Lorne Michaels
[ open on Woman delivering testimonial as she sits on couch ]
Woman: You know the feeling. Someone’s about to tell a joke, and.. you panic. What if you start laughing? Lots of us experience slight loss of bladder control. An embarrassing accident can happen.. any time. Sometimes, just when laughing. [ a beat ] That’s why I watch “Arli$$” on HBO Comedy. It’s nice to know that, every weekday at midnight, I can sit down with Robert Wuhl and the gang at Arliss Michaels Sports Management, and, a half-hour later, my drawers will be as dry as a bone. And now I know I’ll be able to get 100% bladder control whenever I’m feeling insecure. Because all seven seasons of “Arli$$” are now available on DBD. That’s over forty hours of keep-your-pants-dry entertainment! So, don’t let slight loss of bladder control cramp your style. Watch “Arli$$”, and.. take back your life.
Ask your doctor if “Arli$$” is right for you. Side effects may include nausea, depression, and slight sexual dysfunction.
[ cameras zoom out, as Sarah Michelle Gellar frees herself from character and rises to run to her next costume change ]
[ Tracy Morgan enters set ]
Tracy Morgan: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s up, Sarah?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hey, Tracy! How’s it going?
Tracy Morgan: Sweet! You wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette I could bum, would you?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uhhh.. again, I told you I don’t smoke, so, no, I wouldn’t have any cigarettes on me.
Tracy Morgan: It’s cool, don’t worry about it.. I just heard some trash-talking about you, I thought you might want to hear it.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: [ curious ] What’s that?
Tracy Morgan: I heard Faith Hill say, “I could beat that Buffy bitch in a lowdown, dirty grab-ass wrestling contest!”
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Sh-she’s been so nice all week, I-I-I just can’t believe she’d say that..
Tracy Morgan: Well, I’m just telling you what I heard she said. And she also said, “I betchoo if we did wrestle, there’s no way Sarah could give me spankings!”
Sarah Michelle Gellar: [ shaking head ] Uhhh.. I ind that a little hard to believe, Tracy..
Tracy Morgan: Then, it’s settled! You two are gonna wrestle!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: I’m not gonna wrestle her!
Tracy Morgan: I understand – you scared.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Well.. no, I’m not scared..
Tracy Morgan: [ excited ] That’s what I like to hear! I’ll go get Faith – you just put this costume on! [ hands Sarah a star-spangled bikini ]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: I-I-I’m not wrestling anyone! And I’m sure as hell not wearing this!
Tracy Morgan: Great! Then, you gonna go butt-naked!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: No!
[ Faith Hill enters set, dressed in her own wardrobe ]
Tracy Morgan: [ looking at Faith ] Where’s your costume?
Faith Hill: [ looks past Tracy, to Sarah ] Sarah, uh.. Tracy told me that you said you could kick my ass in wrestling?
Tracy Morgan: [ gung-ho ] Oh, YEAH!! It’s ON!!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Yeah. There’s been a little misunderstanding. You see, Faith, I-I didn’t say that-
Tracy Morgan: Pulling hair and spankings are legal! Go!!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: What?! No! I’m not going to wrestle her!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! It’s a catfight!
Faith Hill: Okay, Tracy! Okay, stop that!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You know what we’re gonna do?
Tracy Morgan: [ thinking ] What? You gonna wrestle me? Spank me?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uh.. no. We’re gonna tell Lorne. Lorne!
Faith Hill: Lorne!
Tracy Morgan: Hey! Come on, be cool! Don’t rat me out!
[ Lorne Michaels enters ]
Lorne Michaels: Tracy, what’s going on here?
Tracy Morgan: Nothing, Lorne.. just a little misunderstanding..
Sarah Michelle Gellar: He was trying to get us to wrestle each other!
Lorne Michaels: Tracy, I thought we had this discussion after the Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys episode?
Tracy Morgan: I was that close!
Lorne Michaels: Tracy, I’ll talk to you later.
Tracy Morgan: [ sighs, exits ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to Sarah and Faith ] I want to apologize. Obviously, no one expects you to wrestle.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: We know that.
Faith Hill: Thanks, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] Although wrestling does have a noble history, dating back to 708 B.C.
Faith Hill: We’re not going to wrestle, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: I would never ask you to – even though, I do hold Greco-Roman Fundraiser every year for needy kids.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. Faith, if it’s for needy kids..
Faith Hill: Don’t buy that! They pulled thesame thing at “Austin City Limits”!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: [ disgusted ] Let’s go!
Lorne Michaels: So, that’s a.. maybe?
[ Sarah and Faith make their exit, as Tracy Morgan peeks back in ]
Tracy Morgan: Did they fall for it?
Lorne Michaels: Unfortunately, no.
Tracy Morgan: [ annoyed ] You can’t do nothing right! I set it up perfect – you supposed to close the deal!
Lorne Michaels: I tried, Tracy..
Tracy Morgan: Man! I don’t know why I keep you around here!
Lorne Michaels: [ holds up hand ] Let’s not say things we can’t take back.
Tracy Morgan: [ yelling ] Go get me a Pepsi, bee-otch!!
[ Lorne retreats for Tracy’s Pepsi ]
[ fade to black ]
