Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
Voice of Wife…..Amy Poehler
[ open on couple sitting in beach chairs along the ocean; Craig snores, as his cell phone begins to ring ]
[ Craig reaches for his cell phone, but drunkenly throws his beer bottle into the ocean instead ]
Craig: [ groggy, laughing ] Du-u-u-de! I just threw my beer into the ocean!
Wife: [ sighs ]
Craig: I was gonna throw my phone into the ocean!
Wife: Are you retarded? I just bought you that phone.
Craig: What-ever! My boss is a douche!
Wife: Craig, you install car stereos. Why would your boss be calling you?
Craig: Yeah, well.. the guy is a douche!
Wife: Yeah, well.. you’re really drunk.
[ Craig takes a remaining swig from one of his bottles of beer, then looks frantically for more ]
[ Waiter passes on the sand ]
Craig: [ snapping fingers ] Señor! Waiter! Uh.. mas cervezas, por favor! Guy!
Craig: Beer here! Please!
[ SUPER: “Miles away from sober.” ]