SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Gellar: 10/12/02: Sexual Harassment Seminar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Sexual Harassment Seminar

Jessie Dixon…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Merv The Perv…..Chris Parnell
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Julie…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, office building ] [ dissolve to interior, meeting room ]

Jessie Dixon: Okay, you know what, you guys? We should get started. Now, I know most of you probably don’t want to spend your Thursday night in a Sexual Harrassment seminar. But, because of a few incidents here at Hasslebert & Milton, they’ve required all employees to attend this. And I, personally, think sexual harrassment is a very important issue.

[ suddenly, Merv interrupts the seminars with his tardy entry ]

Merv The Perv: Hey, hey, hey! Sorry I’m late. I was in the bathroom, trying to psyche myself up for this sex seminar! [ chuckles ] and, by the way, ladies.. you have a beautiful bathroom!

Jessie Dixon: Um.. um.. that’s fine. Have a seat.

Merv The Perv: Ooh-la-la! And who might you be, Mademoiselle?

Jessie Dixon: I’m.. Jesse Dixon, I’m running today’s sexual harrassment seminar.

Merv The Perv: Well, harass away! [ laughs ]

Jessie Dixon: Please.. have a seat.

Merv The Perv: Alright. [ grabs a chair and places it backwards next to Maya, he sits down confidently ] Is this seat taken?

Maya: No. How could it be? You just dragged it over here yourself.

Merv The Perv: Whoa-ho, hey! Wildcat! Slow down, I want to keep my options open!

Jessie Dixon: [ sighs ] Okay, folks.. now, this is the kind of behavior that I’m talking about. When you refer to a female co-worker as.. “Hot Pants”.. she may not appreciate that. There are many forms of sexual harassment.

Merv The Perv: [ shakes head ] I didn’t hear a damn word you said, you’re so friggin’ beautiful! What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – my treat. No, wait – Dutch.

Jessie Dixon: I’m sorry, but I have no interest in what we all agree is an inappropriate suggestion!

Merv The Perv: [ tries his move on Maya instead ] What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – Dutch. No, wait – you pay half, and I’ll pay half.

Maya: Eeuggh! and.. no.

Merv The Perv: [ looks about the room ] Anybody want to blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City? Shelley? Julie? Black Girl?

Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. you know what? Wait a minute.. you’re Mervin Watson, aren’t you?

Merv The Perv: That’s right! The Mervin Watson. I see you recognize me. Want me to sign your boob?

Jessie Dixon: No. In fact, it may interest you to know you’re the whole reason we’re having this seminar.

Merv The Perv: Oh-ho! So this party’s for me! Julie, loser the top!

Julie: Hey!

Merv The Perv: Wha-at? We’ll compromise – the bottoms?

Jessie Dixon: Mr. Watson!

Merv The Perv: Please! Call me “Merv The Perv”! Or, at least, “The Perv”?

Jessie Dixon: I will not!

Merv The Perv: Then, just call me? Mmm-hmm! Is this thing working? [ points to his crotch ] I know this thing’s working! Seriously! Julie – can we talk about the top?

Julie: Do you see what he’s like! I have to work here!

Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. this is a place of business!

Merv The Perv: And we’d better get down to business!

Jessie Dixon: People work here!

Merv The Perv: I like the way you work it!

Jessie Dixon: We’re all professionals!

Merv The Perv: What’ll a fifty get me?

Jessie Dixon: [ shakes head ] You don’t get it, do you?

Merv The Perv: Not as often as I’d like!

Jessie Dixon: You’re making me sick.

Merv The Perv: Yeahh.. it’s called Morning Sickness – let’s make it happen! [ turns to Julie ] Julie, status report on the top?

Jessie Dixon: O-okay.. I can see none of this is working.. Let’s try a little role reversal. How would you like it if I came up to you and said, uh.. “Hey, baby.. take off those pants.”

Merv The Perv: I’d be delighted! Let’s get the party started! [ stands ]

Jessie Dixon: [ nervous and afraid ] Okay.. that obviously didn’t work..

Merv The Perv: So, lose the slacks?

Jessie Dixon: No.. don’t.

Merv The Perv: So, take them off?

Jessie Dixon: Please don’t.

Merv The Perv: The green light on losing the slacks?

Jessie Dixon: No! Keep the slacks!

Merv The Perv: Ix-nay on the acks-lay?

Jessie Dixon: Do not take off your pants!

Merv The Perv: So, I’m just gonna go ahead and slip out of these old slacks – you know, freshen up a bit.

Jessie Dixon: Oh, that’s it! Perv The Merv, or Merv The Perv – whatever your name is! I’m gonna recommend you be fired!

Merv The Perv: [ finally giving in ] Okay, okay.. I know I have problems.. I guess that’s just because I’m shy. [ the women in the room aww ] The truth is, I’m lonely. Do you guys want to know what my biggest problem is? [ a beat ] These pants! Oh, dear Lord, get me out of these! [ tugs at his pants, pulling them off with one swipe ] [ everyone quickly gets up to leave the room ]

Merv The Perv: Come on! Seriously! The sexual harassment seminar’s just getting good!

[ Sarah Michelle Gellar breaks character to address the audience ]

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hi. I’m Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Merv The Perv: And I’m Merv “The Perv” Watson. And Sarah and I are to say there’s nothing sexy about sexual harassment.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: You know, sexual harassment is a very real problem in today’s workplace.

Merv The Perv: So, I think I speak for all of America, when I say, “Hey, Sarah.. lose the top!”

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh, Chris.. [ walks away ]

Merv The Perv: Hey, come on!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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