Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
Sexual Harassment Seminar
Jessie Dixon…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Merv The Perv…..Chris Parnell
[ open on exterior, office building ]
[ dissolve to interior, meeting room ]
Jessie Dixon: Okay, you know what, you guys? We should get started. Now, I know most of you probably don’t want to spend your Thursday night in a Sexual Harrassment seminar. But, because of a few incidents here at Hasslebert & Milton, they’ve required all employees to attend this. And I, personally, think sexual harrassment is a very important issue.
[ suddenly, Merv interrupts the seminars with his tardy entry ]
Merv The Perv: Hey, hey, hey! Sorry I’m late. I was in the bathroom, trying to psyche myself up for this sex seminar! [ chuckles ] and, by the way, ladies.. you have a beautiful bathroom!
Jessie Dixon: Um.. um.. that’s fine. Have a seat.
Merv The Perv: Ooh-la-la! And who might you be, Mademoiselle?
Jessie Dixon: I’m.. Jesse Dixon, I’m running today’s sexual harrassment seminar.
Merv The Perv: Well, harass away! [ laughs ]
Jessie Dixon: Please.. have a seat.
Merv The Perv: Alright. [ grabs a chair and places it backwards next to Maya, he sits down confidently ] Is this seat taken?
Maya: No. How could it be? You just dragged it over here yourself.
Merv The Perv: Whoa-ho, hey! Wildcat! Slow down, I want to keep my options open!
Jessie Dixon: [ sighs ] Okay, folks.. now, this is the kind of behavior that I’m talking about. When you refer to a female co-worker as.. “Hot Pants”.. she may not appreciate that. There are many forms of sexual harassment.
Merv The Perv: [ shakes head ] I didn’t hear a damn word you said, you’re so friggin’ beautiful! What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – my treat. No, wait – Dutch.
Jessie Dixon: I’m sorry, but I have no interest in what we all agree is an inappropriate suggestion!
Merv The Perv: [ tries his move on Maya instead ] What do you say we blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City – Dutch. No, wait – you pay half, and I’ll pay half.
Maya: Eeuggh! and.. no.
Merv The Perv: [ looks about the room ] Anybody want to blow off this crazy seminar, and fly to Atlantic City? Shelley? Julie? Black Girl?
Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. you know what? Wait a minute.. you’re Mervin Watson, aren’t you?
Merv The Perv: That’s right! The Mervin Watson. I see you recognize me. Want me to sign your boob?
Jessie Dixon: No. In fact, it may interest you to know you’re the whole reason we’re having this seminar.
Merv The Perv: Oh-ho! So this party’s for me! Julie, loser the top!
Merv The Perv: Wha-at? We’ll compromise – the bottoms?
Jessie Dixon: Mr. Watson!
Merv The Perv: Please! Call me “Merv The Perv”! Or, at least, “The Perv”?
Jessie Dixon: I will not!
Merv The Perv: Then, just call me? Mmm-hmm! Is this thing working? [ points to his crotch ] I know this thing’s working! Seriously! Julie – can we talk about the top?
Julie: Do you see what he’s like! I have to work here!
Jessie Dixon: Okay.. okay.. this is a place of business!
Merv The Perv: And we’d better get down to business!
Jessie Dixon: People work here!
Merv The Perv: I like the way you work it!
Jessie Dixon: We’re all professionals!
Merv The Perv: What’ll a fifty get me?
Jessie Dixon: [ shakes head ] You don’t get it, do you?
Merv The Perv: Not as often as I’d like!
Jessie Dixon: You’re making me sick.
Merv The Perv: Yeahh.. it’s called Morning Sickness – let’s make it happen! [ turns to Julie ] Julie, status report on the top?
Jessie Dixon: O-okay.. I can see none of this is working.. Let’s try a little role reversal. How would you like it if I came up to you and said, uh.. “Hey, baby.. take off those pants.”
Merv The Perv: I’d be delighted! Let’s get the party started! [ stands ]
Jessie Dixon: [ nervous and afraid ] Okay.. that obviously didn’t work..
Merv The Perv: So, lose the slacks?
Jessie Dixon: No.. don’t.
Merv The Perv: So, take them off?
Jessie Dixon: Please don’t.
Merv The Perv: The green light on losing the slacks?
Jessie Dixon: No! Keep the slacks!
Merv The Perv: Ix-nay on the acks-lay?
Jessie Dixon: Do not take off your pants!
Merv The Perv: So, I’m just gonna go ahead and slip out of these old slacks – you know, freshen up a bit.
Jessie Dixon: Oh, that’s it! Perv The Merv, or Merv The Perv – whatever your name is! I’m gonna recommend you be fired!
Merv The Perv: [ finally giving in ] Okay, okay.. I know I have problems.. I guess that’s just because I’m shy. [ the women in the room aww ] The truth is, I’m lonely. Do you guys want to know what my biggest problem is? [ a beat ] These pants! Oh, dear Lord, get me out of these! [ tugs at his pants, pulling them off with one swipe ]
[ everyone quickly gets up to leave the room ]
Merv The Perv: Come on! Seriously! The sexual harassment seminar’s just getting good!
[ Sarah Michelle Gellar breaks character to address the audience ]
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Hi. I’m Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Merv The Perv: And I’m Merv “The Perv” Watson. And Sarah and I are to say there’s nothing sexy about sexual harassment.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: You know, sexual harassment is a very real problem in today’s workplace.
Merv The Perv: So, I think I speak for all of America, when I say, “Hey, Sarah.. lose the top!”
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh, Chris.. [ walks away ]
Merv The Perv: Hey, come on!
[ fade to black ]