SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Gellar: 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Monologue

…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Vampire Father…..Chris Kattan
Vampire Mother…..Rachel Dratch
Vampire Daughter…..Amy Poehler
Lawyer In Audience…..Jim Downey

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you guys very, very much. Thank you! It is so great to be back in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I had a great summer, I got married to Freddie Prinze, Jr. I didn’t take his last name professionally – you know, I have three names already, and I didn’t need a fourth with a “Jr.” piled on! Uh.. but I had a great summer. Not only did I make a movie with my husband, but I also took some time off to do something that I always wanted to do. As you probably know, I recorded my own album. [ audience claps ] Thank you! I wrote all the songs myself, and, I gotta say, that recording this album, it was almost as rewarding as ramming a stake through the heart of a vampire! [ strums a chord ] But not quite as much fun as chopping their heads off!

[ Vampire family in the audience stands to exit ]

Vampire Father: Alright. Let’s go.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, my God! I had no idea there were vampires in the audience!

Vampire Father: Yeah, that’s right!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, goodness.. well, I’m sorry, I-I-I didn’t realize.

Vampire Father: Yeah, well.. we only got in because of the rain, so.. we didn’t know you were hosting. So.. [ turns to his wife ] ..come on, Carol, get your sweater.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Well, I-I-I didn’t mean to offend anybody!

Vampire Father: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m just getting a little sick of the way vampires are portrayed in the media, okay? It’s a little insulting! [ to his daughter ] Come on, get your bag, let’s go.

Vampire Daughter: But, Daddy, I wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon!

Vampire Father: I know, baby, okay? We all wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon, okay? [ points to Gellar ] But this nice lady over here, she wants to take this wooden stake and drive it through your heart! So, I guess bedtime comes a little early tonight, let’s go!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait..

Vampire Mother: Vlad, don’t!

Vampire Father: It’s just, we’re good people, you know! Okay? We’re honest people! I came to this country, because I wanted to make an honest living! That.. and turn people into vampires! But I guess we’ve still got a long way to go!

Vampire Mother: I told you we should have gone to “The Caroline Rhea Show”.

Vampire Father: It tapes in the daytime! [ contains himself ] Sorry, baby, okay.. it’s just this world..

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Listen.. I regret, you know, what I said.. I wish you’d stay..

Vampire Father: Yeah, well, forget it! Thank you.

Lawyer in Audience: [ seated behind family, pokes Vampire Father’s shoulder ] Excuse me?

Vampire Father: Yes?

Lawyer in Audience: I’m an attorney, specializing in slander and defamation. I represent a lot of vampires.. I think you have an excellent case..

Vampire Father: Really?

Lawyer in Audience: Would you please call me-

Vampire Father: [ takes business card ] I will call you! I will call you Monday.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait, wait.. I’m sorry! Look, you guys.. is there anything I can do to make this up to you?

Vampire Father: Yeah! you can. Don’t sing!

Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uh.. okay. [ puts guitar down ] I guess I won’t, then.. but, uh.. uh.. Faith Hill is here, and she can sing! So, stick around, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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