Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Monologue
…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
Vampire Father…..Chris Kattan
Vampire Mother…..Rachel Dratch
Vampire Daughter…..Amy Poehler
Lawyer In Audience…..Jim Downey
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you guys very, very much. Thank you! It is so great to be back in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I had a great summer, I got married to Freddie Prinze, Jr. I didn’t take his last name professionally – you know, I have three names already, and I didn’t need a fourth with a “Jr.” piled on! Uh.. but I had a great summer. Not only did I make a movie with my husband, but I also took some time off to do something that I always wanted to do. As you probably know, I recorded my own album. [ audience claps ] Thank you! I wrote all the songs myself, and, I gotta say, that recording this album, it was almost as rewarding as ramming a stake through the heart of a vampire! [ strums a chord ] But not quite as much fun as chopping their heads off![ Vampire family in the audience stands to exit ]
Vampire Father: Alright. Let’s go.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, my God! I had no idea there were vampires in the audience!
Vampire Father: Yeah, that’s right!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Oh.. oh, goodness.. well, I’m sorry, I-I-I didn’t realize.
Vampire Father: Yeah, well.. we only got in because of the rain, so.. we didn’t know you were hosting. So.. [ turns to his wife ] ..come on, Carol, get your sweater.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Well, I-I-I didn’t mean to offend anybody!
Vampire Father: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m just getting a little sick of the way vampires are portrayed in the media, okay? It’s a little insulting! [ to his daughter ] Come on, get your bag, let’s go.
Vampire Daughter: But, Daddy, I wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon!
Vampire Father: I know, baby, okay? We all wanted to bite the Jimmy Fallon, okay? [ points to Gellar ] But this nice lady over here, she wants to take this wooden stake and drive it through your heart! So, I guess bedtime comes a little early tonight, let’s go!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait..
Vampire Mother: Vlad, don’t!
Vampire Father: It’s just, we’re good people, you know! Okay? We’re honest people! I came to this country, because I wanted to make an honest living! That.. and turn people into vampires! But I guess we’ve still got a long way to go!
Vampire Mother: I told you we should have gone to “The Caroline Rhea Show”.
Vampire Father: It tapes in the daytime! [ contains himself ] Sorry, baby, okay.. it’s just this world..
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Listen.. I regret, you know, what I said.. I wish you’d stay..
Vampire Father: Yeah, well, forget it! Thank you.
Lawyer in Audience: [ seated behind family, pokes Vampire Father’s shoulder ] Excuse me?
Vampire Father: Yes?
Lawyer in Audience: I’m an attorney, specializing in slander and defamation. I represent a lot of vampires.. I think you have an excellent case..
Vampire Father: Really?
Lawyer in Audience: Would you please call me-
Vampire Father: [ takes business card ] I will call you! I will call you Monday.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Wait, wait, wait.. I’m sorry! Look, you guys.. is there anything I can do to make this up to you?
Vampire Father: Yeah! you can. Don’t sing!
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Uh.. okay. [ puts guitar down ] I guess I won’t, then.. but, uh.. uh.. Faith Hill is here, and she can sing! So, stick around, we will be right back!