SNL Transcripts: Sarah Michelle Gellar: 10/12/02: Saddam Hussein Briefing


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 2

02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill

Saddam Hussein Briefing

Saddam Hussein…..Darrell Hammond
Henchman #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Henchman #1…..Jeff Richards
Lookalike #1…..Chris Kattan
Lookalike #2…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Imperial Palace ] [ SUPER: “The Imperial Palace, Baghdad, Iraq” ] [ dissolve to interior, President George W. Bush speaking on television ]

Voice on Television: Saddam Hussein.. must disarm himself. Or, for the sake of peace, we will need a coalition to disarm him.

[ Saddam Hussein turns the TV off ]

Saddam Hussein: That guy’s got the real red-ass for me.

Henchman #2: You said it, Boss.

Henchman #1: They’re mad because you’re jerking around the guys from the UN!

Saddam Hussein: I’ve been doing that for over four years! Why do they get all mad now?!

Henchman #2: Their American economy is tanking, and there’s an election coming up.

Henchman #1: I wouldn’t be surprised if Bush had sharpshooters in the hill outside the Palace, waiting to shoot you.

Saddam Hussein: You’re right. Get one of my lookalikes in here.

Henchman #1: [ clapping ] Get in here!

[ Lookalike #1 enters ]

Lookalike #1: Yes, sir.

Saddam Hussein: Why don’t you go up on the roof and get some fresh air? And.. check out the hillside, see how many flowers you can count.

Lookalike #1: Okay, yes, Saddam. Thank you.

Saddam Hussein: And don’t walk around too much – stay in one place!

Lookalike #1: Okay.

[ Lookalike #1 exits ]

Saddam Hussein: See? I still don’t get it. I haven’t done anything lately! Why is Bush coming after me?

Henchman #1: Boss, I think that you’re the Joker to his Batman.

Saddam Hussein: I know, but at least Batman waited ’til the Joker committed a crime before he jumped up his ass!

Henchman #1: Yeah, yeah, I know. This Bush guy is serious.

Saddam Hussein: I said I would let the inspectors back in! But this Bush guy, he wants to fight! No other countries want to fight!

Henchman #1: No, that gay guy – Tony Blair – wants to fight you, too.

Saddam Hussein: How many times do I have to tell you – he’s not gay, he’s English!

Henchman #1: It’s a fine line, English and gay. I mean, Mr. Bean – he’s gay, right?

Saddam Hussein: Probably! But that’s not the point!

Henchman #1: Bush says he won’t quit until you’re dead.

Saddam Hussein: I know.. Get another lookalike in here!

Henchman #1: Roush!

[ Lookalike #2, a fattie, enters ]

Saddam Hussein: Good gravy! What are you guys trying to tell me? Is this what I look like to you?

Henchman #1: Look, Boss.. it’s hard to get people to be you these days. I mean, we’ve been through, like, 200 lookalikes already..

Saddam Hussein: What did he do – eat them?! Please!

Henchman #1: Look, Boss, concentrate – this is who we got.

Saddam Hussein: Alright. Okay. Listen, Roush..

Lookalike #2: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Saddam Hussein: I left.. my green sneakers-

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: I left my green sneakers.. at the palace.

Lookalike #2: Right!

Saddam Hussein: Why don’t you take my convertible-

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: And I want you to go get them for me. Okay?

Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]

Saddam Hussein: And put the top down. Have fun! Remember, you represent me. So, be proud. Walk tall.

Lookalike #2: O-kay.. take it easy!

[ Lookalike #2 exits ]

Saddam Hussein: [ stern ] No more fat guys!

Henchman #1: I know.

Saddam Hussein: You know, I don’t know what I did to this guy.. I’m telling you, this new George Bush is evil!

Henchman #2: No, Boss! He’s too dumb to be evil. Youyou are evil!

Saddam Hussein: [ dumbfouded ] What did you say to me?

Henchman #2: What? I-I didn’t say nothing..!

Saddam Hussein: No, no. You said I’m evil. Evil how? How am I evil?

Henchman #2: [ gasps ] It’s like he said! Uh.. you’re like the Joker..

Henchman #1: Let me handle this one..

Saddam Hussein: The Joker? So, I’m a clown? I’m a clown? I’m here to amuse you?

Henchman #2: [ desperate ] No, no! I’m saying.. you know.. you’re like a.. a diabolical genius!

Saddam Hussein: I’m diobolical?

Henchman #2: [ trying to help ] Uh.. what Aphram meant was-

Saddam Hussein: No, no! He’s a big boy, he can speak for himself Evil, how?

Henchman #2: [ hard-pressed to save himself ] I-I meant it a compliment.. I-I mean you’re.. you’re crazy.. crazy like a fox.. crazy cool..

Saddam Hussein: [ stares for a beat, then adjusts ] Ha, I’m kidding you! I had him, though, huh?

Henchman #1: Like in “Goodfellas”!

[ they all laugh ]

Henchman #1: You scared him good, Boss! You scared him good!

Henchman #1: You know I love you, man!

Saddam Hussein: I know.. Hey, I’m thirsty. Are you thirsty?

Henchman #1: I’m a little thirsty..

Saddam Hussein: Afram.. listen.. Why don’t you put on this moustache, and this hat, and go to the store and buy us a soda?

Henchman #2: [ afraid ] Boss, don’t make me..

Saddam Hussein: No, it’s one of my crazy, diabolical plans! In this plan, you go to the store and buy sodas!

Henchman #2: Boss.. please..

Saddam Hussein: Go! The evil guy is thirsty! [ Afram exits, shakily ] We’re going to stay here and watch the Larry, King. Huh?

Henchman #1: Yeah, right, Saddam! you got him good, Boss!

Saddam Hussein: Thank you very much. I know, but.. if he comes back from the store – kill him.

Henchman #1: You got it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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