Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
02b: Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill
Saddam Hussein Briefing
Saddam Hussein…..Darrell Hammond
Henchman #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Henchman #1…..Jeff Richards
Lookalike #1…..Chris Kattan
Lookalike #2…..Horatio Sanz
Voice on Television: Saddam Hussein.. must disarm himself. Or, for the sake of peace, we will need a coalition to disarm him.
[ Saddam Hussein turns the TV off ]Saddam Hussein: That guy’s got the real red-ass for me.
Henchman #2: You said it, Boss.
Henchman #1: They’re mad because you’re jerking around the guys from the UN!
Saddam Hussein: I’ve been doing that for over four years! Why do they get all mad now?!
Henchman #2: Their American economy is tanking, and there’s an election coming up.
Henchman #1: I wouldn’t be surprised if Bush had sharpshooters in the hill outside the Palace, waiting to shoot you.
Saddam Hussein: You’re right. Get one of my lookalikes in here.
Henchman #1: [ clapping ] Get in here!
Lookalike #1: Yes, sir.
Saddam Hussein: Why don’t you go up on the roof and get some fresh air? And.. check out the hillside, see how many flowers you can count.
Lookalike #1: Okay, yes, Saddam. Thank you.
Saddam Hussein: And don’t walk around too much – stay in one place!
Lookalike #1: Okay.
[ Lookalike #1 exits ]Saddam Hussein: See? I still don’t get it. I haven’t done anything lately! Why is Bush coming after me?
Henchman #1: Boss, I think that you’re the Joker to his Batman.
Saddam Hussein: I know, but at least Batman waited ’til the Joker committed a crime before he jumped up his ass!
Henchman #1: Yeah, yeah, I know. This Bush guy is serious.
Saddam Hussein: I said I would let the inspectors back in! But this Bush guy, he wants to fight! No other countries want to fight!
Henchman #1: No, that gay guy – Tony Blair – wants to fight you, too.
Saddam Hussein: How many times do I have to tell you – he’s not gay, he’s English!
Henchman #1: It’s a fine line, English and gay. I mean, Mr. Bean – he’s gay, right?
Saddam Hussein: Probably! But that’s not the point!
Henchman #1: Bush says he won’t quit until you’re dead.
Saddam Hussein: I know.. Get another lookalike in here!
Henchman #1: Roush!
[ Lookalike #2, a fattie, enters ]Saddam Hussein: Good gravy! What are you guys trying to tell me? Is this what I look like to you?
Henchman #1: Look, Boss.. it’s hard to get people to be you these days. I mean, we’ve been through, like, 200 lookalikes already..
Saddam Hussein: What did he do – eat them?! Please!
Henchman #1: Look, Boss, concentrate – this is who we got.
Saddam Hussein: Alright. Okay. Listen, Roush..
Lookalike #2: Yeah, yeah, yeah..
Saddam Hussein: I left.. my green sneakers-
Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]
Saddam Hussein: I left my green sneakers.. at the palace.
Lookalike #2: Right!
Saddam Hussein: Why don’t you take my convertible-
Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]
Saddam Hussein: And I want you to go get them for me. Okay?
Lookalike #2: [ mumbles incoherently ]
Saddam Hussein: And put the top down. Have fun! Remember, you represent me. So, be proud. Walk tall.
Lookalike #2: O-kay.. take it easy!
[ Lookalike #2 exits ]Saddam Hussein: [ stern ] No more fat guys!
Henchman #1: I know.
Saddam Hussein: You know, I don’t know what I did to this guy.. I’m telling you, this new George Bush is evil!
Henchman #2: No, Boss! He’s too dumb to be evil. You – you are evil!
Saddam Hussein: [ dumbfouded ] What did you say to me?
Henchman #2: What? I-I didn’t say nothing..!
Saddam Hussein: No, no. You said I’m evil. Evil how? How am I evil?
Henchman #2: [ gasps ] It’s like he said! Uh.. you’re like the Joker..
Henchman #1: Let me handle this one..
Saddam Hussein: The Joker? So, I’m a clown? I’m a clown? I’m here to amuse you?
Henchman #2: [ desperate ] No, no! I’m saying.. you know.. you’re like a.. a diabolical genius!
Saddam Hussein: I’m diobolical?
Henchman #2: [ trying to help ] Uh.. what Aphram meant was-
Saddam Hussein: No, no! He’s a big boy, he can speak for himself Evil, how?
Henchman #2: [ hard-pressed to save himself ] I-I meant it a compliment.. I-I mean you’re.. you’re crazy.. crazy like a fox.. crazy cool..
Saddam Hussein: [ stares for a beat, then adjusts ] Ha, I’m kidding you! I had him, though, huh?
Henchman #1: Like in “Goodfellas”!
[ they all laugh ]Henchman #1: You scared him good, Boss! You scared him good!
Henchman #1: You know I love you, man!
Saddam Hussein: I know.. Hey, I’m thirsty. Are you thirsty?
Henchman #1: I’m a little thirsty..
Saddam Hussein: Afram.. listen.. Why don’t you put on this moustache, and this hat, and go to the store and buy us a soda?
Henchman #2: [ afraid ] Boss, don’t make me..
Saddam Hussein: No, it’s one of my crazy, diabolical plans! In this plan, you go to the store and buy sodas!
Henchman #2: Boss.. please..
Saddam Hussein: Go! The evil guy is thirsty! [ Afram exits, shakily ] We’re going to stay here and watch the Larry, King. Huh?
Henchman #1: Yeah, right, Saddam! you got him good, Boss!
Saddam Hussein: Thank you very much. I know, but.. if he comes back from the store – kill him.
Henchman #1: You got it!
[ fade ]