Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 2
Making the Video
Christina Aguilera…..Sarah Michelle Gellar
David LaChapelle…..Jimmy Fallon
Vetiver Lee…..Tracy Morgan
Extra 1…..Chris Kattan
Extra 2…..Maya Rudolph
Assistant director…..Amy Poehler
Guy in Mexican wrestling mask…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: On this episode of “Making the Video” go for a ride with Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Oh, yo, this is gonna get dirrty, y’all![text scrolls down, “DIRRTY”]
Announcer: And check out the world premiere of her new video, “Dirrty”.
David LaChapelle: This video is gonna be real nasty, and real LaChapelle-like. A lot of subversive things, a lot of plushies, a lot of bad smells. It’s sort of like if you pulled up a stink clog and Christina was hanging from it.
Christina Aguilera: David LaChapelle and me, you know, we sort of co-did this video together. The song is called “Dirrty” but I wanted to call the song “[bleep] Guzzling [bleep]” but L’il Kim already used that.
Vetiver Lee: I was gonna put these little red panties on – on Christina. But she doesn’t want to wear no pantie-P’s. So I just spray painted her poo-poo red. Oh, we gotta grease you up, girl. Gimme that pork chop, throw ya ass around.
Christina Aguilera: You know that dirrty feeling, you know, when you wake up with no pants on, face down on the floor and you got like, like a condom in your ear? Well that’s the feeling we’re trying to create. I love that feeling. DAMN!
Extra 1: Sometimes I get what I call a “Christina burn” from her, humping on me so hard.
Extra 2: Well, once I had a Christina burn on my back.
Assistant director: Okay, listen up, dancers and the first row of masturbators, I will be spraying you with an artificial B.O. Do not worry, it’s only the water that they boil the lobsters in. Focus up.
David LaChapelle: Okay, guys. Okay, guys. Get up on it. Get up on this. Okay? And action.[“Dirrty” plays in the background as everyone starts dancing.]
Christina Aguilera: CUT! DAVID!
Assistant director: David? David?
David LaChapelle: Okay, what do you want? Tell David LaChapelle what you want.
Christina Aguilera: It ain’t dirrty enough!
David LaChapelle: Can we get more urine in the fog machine, please?
Assistant director: Okay, could everybody take another dip in the litter boxes, please? And I am missing the guy in the Mexican wrestling mask.
Guy in Mexican wrestling mask: I just threw up in my mask!
Assistant director: Please wait for your cue next time! Okay, we’re moving on, everybody – moving on to the party. Let’s get Redman.
Redman: Yo, you know what I’m sayin’? When I first came here, Christina ain’t had her stuff together, so I had to get down like that. You know what I’m sayin’? It’s crazy – ill crazy! Ill maddy!
Assistant director: Hey, hey, can we get some more boogers on these kickboxers?
David LaChapelle: Okay, okay, now, Christina wanted me to have you to sniff this for inspiration. (holds sweaty washcloth which puts Redman to sleep) Perfect.
Christina Aguilera: I’m really excited about Redman being in my video. He is so dirrty, like me. We had sex a bunch of times, but we hadn’t met, you know, formally.[As Redman is being filmed, his lines from “Dirrty” play in the background.]
Christina Aguilera: Yo, CUT! David!
David LaChapelle: Yes, yes, yes – what, what, what?
Christina Aguilera: It just ain’t skanky enough! Y’know, I ain’t feeling it!
David LaChapelle: All right, let me… let LaChapelle think. Think, LaChapelle. Who are you? What do you think?
Christina Aguilera: You know, I ain’t no director, but – I could, y’know ride somebody’s leg while they farted. (humps on extra 1’s leg)
David LaChapelle: True.
Christina Aguilera: I just feel so free now, y’know. When people see this video, they’re gonna stop thinking of me as some blond-haired bubblegum music industry ho and start thinking of me as a actual ho, y’know, like the kind that hang out at Carni[bleep] Mmm-hmm.[“Dirrty” plays in the background as everyone dances.]
Christina Aguilera: David!
Assistant director: David? David?
David LaChapelle: Yes, yes.
Christina Aguilera: It just – it just ain’t skanky enough!
David LaChapelle: Okay. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Okay. Let me think. Okay, guess who center square is? David LaChapelle, me. And I think I know what Christina needs.
Assistant director: Okay, could we have quiet, please? Stop all the work, please. (chickens start clucking) Please take all the chickens outside for a moment.
David LaChapelle: No, I want the chickens to hear this.
Assistant director: Okay, cancel that. Chickens stay.
David LaChapelle: I got it. We need a large red rubber baboon ass.
Assistant director: Props, I need a red baboon ass yesterday.
Christina Aguilera: Oh, you are a dirrty genus!
David LaChapelle: Perfect. This is it. This is going to work. This is going to work. You’re gonna move this. Let’s try it again, and everybody – action![“Dirrty” plays one more time as everybody dances. Christina is wearing the rubber baboon ass and shaking it as she dances.] [fade]
Submitted by: Mike S.