SNL Transcripts: Sen. John McCain: 10/19/02: TV Funhouse



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 3


02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

TV Funhouse

Jingle: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may.
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguously gay.
They’re ambiguously gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: The Third Leg of Justice!

Bighead: Behold, Dr. Brainio! The Ice Creature is ready!

Dr. Braino: Haven’t we tried the Ice Creature before?

Bighead: Yeah, yeah, look, it’s not about winning. I just want to lure Ace and Gary here and out them at last!

Dr. Brainio: Again with the gay thing.

Bighead: My plan is foolproof! [to a mover with a couch] That goes right there.

Dr. Brainio: You’re redecorating?

Bighead: You’ll see. Soon the world will know just what flavor those two are!

Dr. Brainio: And how does this help us?

Bighead: Just go!

[Ace and Gary are jogging, wearing half-shirts and short shorts.]

Ace: Don’t worry about cramping, Gary. We can rub each other’s thighs.

[Ace and Gary fall on the icy ground.]

Ace: Sidewalks . . . ice!

Gary: Must be Bighead!

Ace: Let’s blow this popsicle . . . stand.

[The AGD are in their car, driving off somewhere.]

Ace: Thrust the lever staff. Fix it, Gary! That’s good. Oh, that’s good.

[The car elongates and takes off into the air.]

Dr. Brainio: Now what’s the idea here?

Bighead: I told you, the chaise goes there.

Dr. Brainio: Well, aren’t we being anal.

Bighead: What are you implying?

[The wall bursts open.]

Ace: Not so fast, you two! Hey, you redecorated!

Bighead: Hah! They noticed! That’s it, watch. I thought I’d go retro.

Ace: Seems a little 90’s, you fiend.

Bighead: He thinks it’s 90’s. He knows his stuff.

Dr. Brainio: Well, he’s right.

Bighead: But I bought this in Soho!

Gary: They have these at Pottery Barn!

[everyone laughs]

Dr. Brainio: All you’ve proven is that you’ve got no eye.

Bighead: Wait! You guys like this poster of Mark Wahlberg?

Ace: Mmm . . . tacky.

Gary: Tacky.

Bighead: Seize them!

[Ace and Gary start punching all of the evil henchmen.]

Bighead: I’ve got a Plan B! [Bighead rushes over to a CD player and switches on “Superman” by Five for Fighting, causing Ace and Gary to stop and listen.]

Five For Fighting: I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m more than a bird
I’m more than a plane
I’m more than some pretty face beside a train

[Ace and Gary start crying.]

Five for Fighting: And it’s not easy . . .

Bighead: Voila!

Dr. Brainio: So what? They identify with the pressure of being heroes.

Bighead: Wait!

[Ace and Gary start dancing around the room. The wall then bursts open again.]

Ace: Former GE Chairman Jack Welch!

Jack Welch: Let’s get to business!

Announcer: As part of his retirement compensation package with GE, Jack Welch is entitled to appear in one cartoon per season.

Jack Welch: [punches out some henchmen] Take ’em from behind, boys!

[Ace and Gary wrap their legs around Brainio and Bighead, thrusting them into the air. A beam comes from Jack Welch’s eyes, trapping them in a ball with the GE logo flashing on it. Gary shoots out a fireball that makes Bighead’s place cool.]

Ace: Well done, Mr. Welch.

Gary: Yay!

Jack Welch: See boys, I employed everyone’s talents: my know-how and your throbbing members. It’s all in my book, Straight from the Gut from Warner Books.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Jack Welch: And these aren’t retirement perks! This is the third compensation for a job well done!

Ace: Okay, that’s not in the script.

[“Superman” plays again, as the three start dancing around.]

Jingle: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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