Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 3
Sen. John McCain’s Monologue
…..Sen. John McCain
Sen. John McCain: Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m very happy to be here tonight – they tell me I’m the first sitting senator ever to host this show! They asked President Bush to do it, but, apparently, he doesn’t like to work on weekends. Uh.. people have asked me, how does spending a week up in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live” benefit your constituents? And I always say he same thing, “Shut up, Daschle, you’re just jealous!”
Ferecito: [ bangs a rimshot on his drums ] Dios mio!
Sen. John McCain: [ looks behind him to notice Ferecito is there ] Excuse me? Can I help you?
Ferecito: Hello! I’m Ferecito! I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezeuela!
Sen. John McCain: I know who you are. What are you doing up here?
Ferecito: Oh, I’m trying to help you, Johnny! You’re not doing so gooooood!
Sen. John McCain: I thought it was pretty good..
Ferecito: No! Let me show you how to do a comedy monologue that is more professional!
Sen. John McCain: [ curious ] How’s that?
Ferecito: First! You got to get the crowd all warmed up! A beat, like this! [ bangs drums, pumping up the audience ] Did you feel it! Did you feel it! [ audience cheers ] Then! Wheenver you do a punchline, you have to make it obvious to the audience! With the punchline, you have to make a face like this. Close your eyes! [ demonstrates his punchline face ] Watch! I’ll show you! [ to audience ] “I’m the first sitting senator ever to host ‘Sabado Night Live’! [ makes face ] They asked President Bush to do it, but, apparently, he doesn’t like to work on weekends!” [ bangs rimshot on drum ] Dios mio! [ frowns ] That’s my catch phrase! You have to have a catch phrase! Do you have a catch phrase?
Sen. John McCain: I don’t have a catch phrase.
Ferecito: Okay, I’ll give you one. do, uh.. “I’m just keedinggggg!!”
Sen. John McCain: Well, thanks, pal, I’d rather not..
Ferecito: “I’m just keedinggggggggg!!” Try it, try it, it’s really good!
Sen. John McCain: No thanks, pal. I’d rather not.
Ferecito: Oh, okay.. well..
Sen. John McCain: Listen. I’m not saying – and, by the way, there’s nothing unny about what you’re doing. Stereotyping Latin American culture is offensive, even on a comedy show liek this one. A large number of my constituents in Arizona are Hispanic. And I’m not gonna stand here and let you insult them! [ a beat ] “I’m just keedingggggggg!!”
Ferecito: [ bangs drums ]
Sen. John McCain: Ferecito, everybody! Ferecito! Okay, I’m gonna get ready for this first sketch, now. The White Stripes are here! Stick around, I’ll see you in a minute!