Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 3
Top O’ The Morning
Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Frank McCourt…..Sen. John McCain
Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Top o’ the morning to ya! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam.
William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: You might be wondering if we’ll have a good show today – so, let’s ask our good friend Dooley.
William Fitzpatrick: We call him the Human 8-Ball, ’cause if you shake him hard enough, he can answer Yes or No questions.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Now, tell me, Dooley, will we have a good show?[ William shakes Dooley ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: And, tell me, will William pay me the money he owes me?[ William shakes Dooley ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you not pay me that money, you cheap bastard!
William Fitzpatrick: I only borrowed that money to replace the teeth that you knocked out!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Your teeth were a nightmare, all crooked and yellow! I did you a service!
William Fitzpatrick: [ considering the notion ] That’s true.. you’re a true friend..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: You’re my best friend, you are.
William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling, trying to hold back the tears ] Pull yourself together..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.
William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now!
William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now! Not here! Not here at this place, not now at this time!
William Fitzpatrick: Oh, mercy..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now, not yet!
William Fitzpatrick: Alright! Let’s have a drink!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright.
William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go!
William Fitzpatrick: Down you go!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright. Our first guest is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of “Angela’s Ashes”. If you believe that Ireland is a whiskey-soaked, stinking cesspool, you’re probably a big fan. Please welcome, Mr. Frank McCourt![ Frank McCourt enters and sits ]
Frank McCourt: Thank you, boys. Morning!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: So, Frank, how are ya?
Frank McCourt: Well, the cab ride was cold and dark. Like the day me father was run over by a truck!
William Fitzpatrick: Surprise, surprise – Frank McCourt’s depressed.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Hey, your parents must be so proud that their son took their most private moments and put them on a page where anyone with five quid could see.
William Fitzpatrick: I had always dreamed that I could write that me father was a drunk, and me mother was a slut! But you beat me to it! Good on ya, sir!
Frank McCourt: I will not stand for this! I’m Frank McCourt! [ stands ] I.. am leaving!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Ah, have a drink, Frank!
Frank McCourt: I.. am staying! [ takes his drink and chugs it ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go.. down you go..
Frank McCourt: Perhaps I could read you a passage from me new book. It’s entitled: “Too Cold to Die: An Irish Christmas Fairy Tale”. [ reading ] “The pus dripped from the lackey’s eye, like a teardrop. We were grateful to see it; it was all we had to eat that Christmas.” And that’s all I’ve written so far.
William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here in front of the dartboard, not now at this time of October!
William Fitzpatrick: [ stops sniffling ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Brilliant work. A credit to the Irish, you are.
William Fitzpatrick: God bless you, Frank McCourt! [ changes subject ] Now’s the time on the show where I make Patrick so mad that he punches a hole in the wall! Let’s go to the punching wall![ Irish music follows the boys to the punching wall, already filled with holes from prior episodes ]
William Fitzpatrick: So, Patrick.. your sister sure is stubborn, is she not?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: And what do you mean by that?
William Fitzpatrick: I had to ask her to take off her knickers four times before she did it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ angry ] That’s my sister!! [ punches a hole in the wall ]
William Fitzpatrick: [ impressed ] Good. Well done.[ they return to their bar stools ]
William Fitzpatrick: Well, we’d like to close out the show, as always, with a traditional Irish song. Frank, will you help us?
Frank McCourt: Yes.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Do you know “Mary’s Britches”?
Frank McCourt: [ thinking ] No, I don’t.
William Fitzpatrick: How about “Who Put The Goat Spunk In Mrs. Murphy’s Oatmeal”?
Frank McCourt: Not all the words.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: “Billy O’Doyle”?
Frank McCourt: Of course! Start to finish!
All [ singing ]“Well, Billy O’Doyle’s got a nose like a boil
and..” [ they begin mumbling unintelligibly ]
William Fitzpatrick: I’m William Fitzpatrick!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!
Together: Top O’ The Morning to Ya”!!