SNL Transcripts: Sen. John McCain: 10/19/02: Top O’ The Morning


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 3

02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Top O’ The Morning

Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Dooley…..Jeff richards
Frank McCourt…..Sen. John McCain

[ show station identification slide ]

Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Top o’ the morning to ya! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam.

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You might be wondering if we’ll have a good show today – so, let’s ask our good friend Dooley.

[ Patrick and William move over to side of bar area, where Dooley is hunched over the counter ]

William Fitzpatrick: We call him the Human 8-Ball, ’cause if you shake him hard enough, he can answer Yes or No questions.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Now, tell me, Dooley, will we have a good show?

[ William shakes Dooley ]

Dooley: Ye-es..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And, tell me, will William pay me the money he owes me?

[ William shakes Dooley ]

Dooley: No-o-o..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you not pay me that money, you cheap bastard!

William Fitzpatrick: I only borrowed that money to replace the teeth that you knocked out!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Your teeth were a nightmare, all crooked and yellow! I did you a service!

William Fitzpatrick: [ considering the notion ] That’s true.. you’re a true friend..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You’re my best friend, you are.

William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling, trying to hold back the tears ] Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now!

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not now! Not here! Not here at this place, not now at this time!

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, mercy..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now, not yet!

William Fitzpatrick: Alright! Let’s have a drink!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright.

William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go!

William Fitzpatrick: Down you go!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Alright. Our first guest is the Pulitzer Prize-winning author of “Angela’s Ashes”. If you believe that Ireland is a whiskey-soaked, stinking cesspool, you’re probably a big fan. Please welcome, Mr. Frank McCourt!

[ Frank McCourt enters and sits ]

Frank McCourt: Thank you, boys. Morning!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: So, Frank, how are ya?

Frank McCourt: Well, the cab ride was cold and dark. Like the day me father was run over by a truck!

William Fitzpatrick: Surprise, surprise – Frank McCourt’s depressed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Hey, your parents must be so proud that their son took their most private moments and put them on a page where anyone with five quid could see.

William Fitzpatrick: I had always dreamed that I could write that me father was a drunk, and me mother was a slut! But you beat me to it! Good on ya, sir!

Frank McCourt: I will not stand for this! I’m Frank McCourt! [ stands ] I.. am leaving!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Ah, have a drink, Frank!

Frank McCourt: I.. am staying! [ takes his drink and chugs it ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Down you go.. down you go..

Frank McCourt: Perhaps I could read you a passage from me new book. It’s entitled: “Too Cold to Die: An Irish Christmas Fairy Tale”. [ reading ] “The pus dripped from the lackey’s eye, like a teardrop. We were grateful to see it; it was all we had to eat that Christmas.” And that’s all I’ve written so far.

William Fitzpatrick: [ sniffling ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here. Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here, not now! Not here in front of the dartboard, not now at this time of October!

William Fitzpatrick: [ stops sniffling ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Brilliant work. A credit to the Irish, you are.

William Fitzpatrick: God bless you, Frank McCourt! [ changes subject ] Now’s the time on the show where I make Patrick so mad that he punches a hole in the wall! Let’s go to the punching wall!

[ Irish music follows the boys to the punching wall, already filled with holes from prior episodes ]

William Fitzpatrick: So, Patrick.. your sister sure is stubborn, is she not?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And what do you mean by that?

William Fitzpatrick: I had to ask her to take off her knickers four times before she did it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ angry ] That’s my sister!! [ punches a hole in the wall ]

William Fitzpatrick: [ impressed ] Good. Well done.

[ they return to their bar stools ]

William Fitzpatrick: Well, we’d like to close out the show, as always, with a traditional Irish song. Frank, will you help us?

Frank McCourt: Yes.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Do you know “Mary’s Britches”?

Frank McCourt: [ thinking ] No, I don’t.

William Fitzpatrick: How about “Who Put The Goat Spunk In Mrs. Murphy’s Oatmeal”?

Frank McCourt: Not all the words.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: “Billy O’Doyle”?

Frank McCourt: Of course! Start to finish!

All [ singing ]“Well, Billy O’Doyle’s got a nose like a boil
[ they begin mumbling unintelligibly ]

William Fitzpatrick: I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

Together: Top O’ The Morning to Ya”!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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