Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 3
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
Okay, the top story tonight: Saddam Hussein re-elected himself President of Iraq this week, and he claims the election results were 11 million to 0, with 1005 turnout. So, first of all: eugh, he voted for himself; and, secondly: really, Saddam? 100% voter turnout? Nobody overslept and forgot to vote, in the whole country? Nobody ate some bad lamb the night before, and got a bad case of the hajij and couldn’t get up all day? Nobody had to work a double-shift at the smallpox factory? Really? Good for you. Then, on Thursday, North Korea admitted that they have also been secretly developing nuclear weapons, but we’re gonna handle that problem diplomatically. So, why are we handling North Korea differently than Iraq? Because they’re two very different guys. Anyone with kids will tell that you discipine your younger child much differently than you discipline your older, North Korean child, who has a nuclear bomb. And don’t forget – Saddam Hussein tried to kill George Bush’s dad. Don’t underestimate how much that would piss you off if that were you, okay? Saddam tried to kill his dad. People have turned into superheroes over less, right? So, in conclusion, who should solve the North Korean problem? How about any country but us? France, you’ve got a lot of opinions – go over there. You’ll love North Korea, it’s completely devoid of Jews! alright? Come on, France; less talk, more rock. Back to you, Jimmy.
Saddam Hussein was indeed declared the winner, Wednesday, or Iraq’s election, winning a reported 100% of the vote. Once more, on Thursday, viewers unanimously voted him “Iraqi Idol”.
Jimmy Fallon: We actually have an audio recording of the song he sang – can we play the tape of Saddam on “Iraqi Idol”?
[ supposed recording of Saddam Hussein singing is played ]
Jimmy Fallon: Alright, you can shut the tape off, now. You can shut the tape off, thanks.
Bombardia Transportation introduced, this week, its new Jet-Train, a locomotive that is powered by a jet engine. That’s right, folks – it’s Jet Train, the new form of transportation that combines the danger of flying with the poor safety record of trains.
Pope John Paul celebrated his 24th anniversary as Pontiff by praying for the strength to continue his job, or, at least, a lighter hat.
CBS News announced this week a new format – a new host for “The Early Show”. And, to insure higher ratings, CBS is renaming it “CSI: The Early Show”.
Tina Fey: Scientists have identified an enzyme in onions that makes people tear up, which is the first step in creating genetically-modified onions that don’t make people cry. Hey, guys – AIDS! There’s still a lot of people dying of AIDS! Put the onion thing on the back burner, and cure AIDS!
jimmy Fallon: On the first episode of the VH-1 reality show about Liza Minelli and her husband David Guest, it will feature a dinner with 50 of their closest friends. On the menu is Minelli’s favorite meal – pills.
Tina Fey: It’s an honor to have Sen. John McCain on the show tonight, but, according to network policy, you must give equal time to a member of another political party. So, with us now, to share some of his political views, is senatorial candidate Tim Calhoun.
Tim Calhoun: [ meekly ] I’m Tim Calhoun. And I’m running for the office of Senator. A lot of people don’t know who Tim Calhoun is. So I’m going to tell you who Tim Calhoun is, and why I think Tim Calhoun should be the next senator.
I, Tim Calhoun, am.. nice.. [ flips index card ] ..trustworthy.. genuine.. likes music.. dances.. [ very quietly ] ..aggressive. [ flips index card ] I have used a lot of some drugs, and some not at all. Mainly pot and beer. But a little bit of cocaine. I’m real sorry about that cocaine. But there are times when I feel like partying and staying up realy late.. and cocaine can relaly help you do that. [ flips index card ] I am not married. So muy sexual history is not relevant. But, if you must know, I had some babies. Mainly by black ladies. But some by white. And a China baby. [ flips index card ] I love whales. But they have to go. So I’m going to organize a whaling party that will not stop until all whales are dead. [ flips index card ] America needs another big lake.
In conclusion, and in summary, you can’t spell “America” without “Tim Calhoun”. And the letters R, E, and A. The End.
Tina Fey: Tim Calhoun for Senator, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: [ over picture of Robert Downey, Jr. and his latest date ] In entertainment news, Robert Downey, Jr. appears to be dating.. me, in drag. I hope that works out for them/us.
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will reportedly get married next month at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. The couple is registered at the Center for Disease Control.
In Little Rock, California this week, rescuers took three hours to free a horse named Budweiser that fell into a tank of human waste. As a result, the horse had to be renamed Natural Lite.
Tina Fey: In her 130th day aboard the international space station, American astronaut Peggy Whitson said that her tastes have changed while in space, and she no longer wants the forty shrimp meals she brought along. Hey, Peggy? Do you want to keep letting women be astronauts? Yeah? Shut up, and eat the shrimp!
And finally tonight, a Michigan Man was arrested for indecent exposure after his neighbors witnessed him having sex with a pumpkin. Whats most disturbing is that it was anal sex.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.