Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 3
Wake Up Wakefield
Pete Van Bleet…..Sen. John McCain
Mr. Banglion…..Horatio Sanz
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon
Megan: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for Wake Up Wakefield. Fun facts and important information for the student of San Jose. It’s 7:55 and we are live from the audio/visual department here in room 312. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.
Megan: As always, we’re joined by Jazz Times Ten.
Sheldon: Scott Abasion, you blew my mind, dog. No wonder you went to districts. (Kid plays trumpet)
Megan: Great. Well, as you can see, me and Sheldon are geared up for today’s Halloween festivities. Sheldon, I like your costume. Who are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: I’m PBS interviewer, Charlie Rose. You guys should check him out, he blows Letterman away.
Megan: And I’m a hula girl. See, (stands up and gestures) this means “peaceful morning”, and this means “beautiful ocean”, and this means “Randy Goldman is my boyfriend and we’re full-on making out.” (makes out with invisible Randy Goldman)
Sheldon: Alright, um, our guest today teaches 7th grade visual arts. And even though his name is Mr. Van Bleet, he lets us all call him Pete. Please welcome, Pete Van Bleet. (entrance music, Pete Van Bleet enters)
Pete Van Bleet: What’s up, little dudes? Your costumes are outta sight.
Megan: Hey, thanks. My dad made me wear this shirt under it, so boys don’t get the wrong idea.
Pete Van Bleet: (to Sheldon) Who are you supposed to be?
Sheldon: I’m Charlie Rose.
Pete Van Bleet: I love Charlie Rose.
Sheldon: Did you see him last night? He really got Harrison Ford to open up.
Megan: Well, Mr. Van Bleet is our favorite teacher. One time, he let our class splatter paint all over each other. It was weird, but awesome.
Pete Van Bleet: Yea, man. It was Jackson Pollock freak out Friday.
Sheldon: Yea, I called it Sheldon’s Mom’s freak out Friday, because when I got paint in the front seat of her new Volvo, she freaked out.
Megan: So, Pete, what have you brought for us today?
Sheldon: Cause she leases it, and when we turn it in, there could be some serious penalties.
Megan: Woah, ok. Pete, I hear you brought us some interesting jack o’ lanterns.
Pete Van Bleet: These aren’t jack o’ lanterns. They’re abstract o’ lanterns! There ain’t no fascist right wing law that says you have to carve the same thing every year. (cart with 4 “abstract o’ lanterns” is wheeled on) Use your imagination! I carved these pumpkins into the original line up of Steely Dan.
Megan: Wow, Pete, that’s rad.
Sheldon: That’s a dead-on Donald Fagan.
Mr. Banglion: Hey kids!
Megan: Hey Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: Sorry to interrupt…
Sheldon: Hey Mr. B.
Mr. Banglion: Hello Mr. Van Bleet. You parked your VW bus diagonally across two parking spaces again.
Pete Van Bleet: Oh, sorry man, I spaced out.
Mr. Banglion: Yea, well, Ms. Blouchard had to park all the way around back and she has water ankles.
Pete Van Bleet: I’ll make it up to her. Is she into sand art?
Mr. Banglion: I don’t know. Hey kids, whatter those?
Megan: They’re Steely Dan o’ Lanterns.
Pete Van Bleet: I’m trying to get the estudiantes to use their imaginations! I use my imagination every day!
Mr. Banglion: Yea, your hair and clothes reek of your imagination, Pete. You might wanna restrict yourself to using your imagination just on the weekends. Bye kids.
Pete Van Bleet: Hey, I’m tenured man. I’m so tenured.
Megan: Bye Mr. B.
Pete Van Bleet: Fascist.
Megan: Ok, now it’s time for today’s hot topic, are we too old to trick or treat this year?
Sheldon: Um, well, last year, there was a pretty big problem in my neighborhood with people getting pushed into the hedges. Specifically, people who are dressed as peanut M&M’s, and weren’t expecting it because their costume limited their perifial vision. So, I’m just gunna lay low this year.
Megan: Yea, me too. I heard Randy Goldman and his crazy friends are going around TP’ing people’s yards, but I’ll be home all night, so he better not try my house, which is 1008 Hillside Avenue even though he probably will because there are so many trees perfect for TP’ing.
Randy Goldman: (entering) Hey, Pete, we need you in the art room. Uh, Joey Bradford just ate tempered paint. (Megan starts fidgeting)
Pete Van Bleet: Oh man, we’re gunna have to talk him down. I’m gunna need some Vitamin B, some orange juice, and some Almond Brothers records.
Megan: (standing) Oh, hey, uh, Randy. Uh, hows are you going? (winces)
Randy Goldman: Oh, hey Megan. Nice coconuts. (exits)
Megan: Randy Goldman knows my name.
Sheldon: That’s all the time we have.
Megan: Randy Goldman knows my name.
Sheldon: Signing off, I am Charlie Rose, AKA, Sheldon.
Megan: He-he got my name right!!
Sheldon: It’s cause those coconuts look like boobs. (Pause) Jazz Times Ten, take us out.
Submitted by: Amelita L.