Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 3
To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story
Gillian Woodward…..Amy Poehler
David Pemberton…..Sen. John McCain
Police Chief…..Chris Parnell
The Real Gillian Woodward…..Rachel Dratch
Voiceover: [ over SUPER: “Although the following is based on actual events, some story elements have been altered, and fictional situations added, for dramatic effect. In some instances, events are presented in precisely the opposite way from which they actually occurred.
“Certain characters are fictional. Some are composites of two or more real individuals. Others are composites of one real, and one fictional character. While still others are composites of several fictional characters.
“In many instances, statistics cited in the film, relating to society’s are misleading or erroneous.
“Finally, while the events depicted did not actually take place in Vancouver, British Columbia, the story, for financial and budgetary reasons, is set there.” ]
[ Title Card: “To Love, Honor & Stalk: The Gillian Woodward Story” ]
[ SUPER: “Vancouver, British Columbia 1999” over Vancouver skyline ]
[ dissolve to interior, Gillian Woodward’s office, as she talks on headset phone ]
[ SUPER: “Starring Amy Poehler as Gillian Woodward” ]
[ SUPER: “Senator John McCain (Rep., AZ) as David Pemberton” ]
[ “Valerie Bertinelli, Peter Strauss, Nancy McKeon, Judith Light” ]
[ “With a special appearance by Barry Bostwick” ]
Gillian Woodward: ..Yes, Milan went well. I was very happy. That was last month; we’re talking about Tokyo. I do care; it has our name on it. Call me the moment you hear.
[ a knock at the door ]
Gillian Woodward: It’s open!
Jessica: I can’t believe you are still here.
Gillian Woodward: Jessica, the Tokyo show is in three days.
Jessica: Ugh. What are you trying to prove? Isn’t it enough that you went out and accomplished what they said no woman would ever achieve – starting your own cosmetics company? When are you going to relax?
Gillian Woodward: After Tokyo.
Jessica: How are things with your marriage?
Gillian Woodward: [ her face stings ] Fine.. why do you ask?
Jessica: Girlfriend, when one of the country’s top CEOs spends this much time in the office, she’s probably avoiding something at home.
Gillian Woodward: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but David and I couldn’t be happier.
[ slow zoom to framed desk picture of Gillian and David ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Gillian and David’s house ]
[ dissolve to interior, as Gillian enters house ]
David Pemberton: Hello, Gillian.
Gillian Woodward: [ screams in fear ]
David Pemberton: I missed you.
Gillian Woodward: What are you doing here?!
David Pemberton: The conference was cut short.. so I rushed back to see you.
Gillian Woodward: David. You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that. You scared me half to death!
David Pemberton: Forgive me, darling. You know I would never hurt you.
[ dissolve to Gillian in the shower, as David appears behind her ]
David Pemberton: You’re so lovely.
Gillian Woodward: [ freaked ] Oh!
David Pemberton: I could watch you for hours.
Gillian Woodward: Oh, my God, David! How did you get in here?!
David Pemberton: The door was open, Angel. Shall I loofa your back?
Gillian Woodward: No, no, dont! I just need a moment to myself.. I’ll be in in a minute.
David Pemberton: I’ll be waiting, my love. We were meant to be together.
[ dissolve to Gillian’s office the next day, as Jessica enters ]
Jessica: Are we still on for tonight? Is something wrong?
Gillian Woodward: Jessica.. the other day, when I told you that everything was fine with my marriage.. that wasn’t true.
Jessica: What’s the problem?
Gillian Woodward: It’s David. He was always affectionate. But, lately, he’s been following me around.. hovering.. invading my personal space. I’ll come home from work, and hee’s there, waiting. Or, I’ll be getting into bed, and, suddenly, he’ll lie down beside me.
Jessica: Have you been to the police?
Gillian Woodward: I don’t think they’d believe me. It’s all too surreal.
Jessica: Girlfriend, get your coat. You’re coming with me.
[ dissolve to exterior, police station ]
[ dissolve to interior, Police Chief at desk talking to Gillian and Jessica ]
Police Chief: [ sighs ] Now, let me get this straight. David Pemberton is your husband?
Gillian Woodward: Yes.
Police Chief: And, you’re not in the process of divorce or separation?
Gillian Woodward: No.
Police Chief: He’s never threatened you, or used force against you?
Gillian Woodward: No.
Police Chief: [ sighs ] Forgive me, Miss Woodward, but I don’t see where a crime has been committed here.
Jessica: You mean to tell me that he can invade her personal space repeatedly, and you can’t do a thing about it?! That it’s all perfectly legal?!
Police Chief: Well.. yes.
Gillian Woodward: Suppose it was the other way around? Suppose I was invading David’s personal space?
Police Chief: That would be different. He’s a man. Naturally, we take crimes against men more seriously. But here, I’m afraid my hands are tied.
Jessica: Well, not ours. If you can’t arrest him, we’ll take him to court. We’ll sue!
Gillian Woodward: Jessica.. David is a powerful man in the community. What lawyer would ever take this case?
Jessica: I’ll represent you.
Gillian Woodward: But, you’re not a lawyer.
Jessica: First in my class at Stanford Law School.
Gillian Woodward: You have a Law degree, and yo’ve never used it?
Jessica: Well.. when I graduated in 1996, there were very few states where women were allowed to practice law.
Police Chief: That’s true.
Gillian Woodward: Are you sure you want to do this?
Jessica: If you can handle it.. I can.
[ dissolve to exterior, Superior Courthouse ]
[ dissolve to interior, trial taking place ]
Judge: Mr. Pemberton, for the last time, you are not allowed in the witness stand while your wife is testifying.
[ show David sitting at witness stand next to Gillian ]
David Pemberton: I’m sorry, your Honor. I can’t be away from her for long.
Judge: Your witness, Counselor.
Counselor: [ approaches bench, sighs ] Miss Woodward.. kindly tell the court, are you currently married to the defendent, Mr. Pemberton?
Gillian Woodward: Yes.
Counselor: And, you are not in the process of a divorce or a separation?
Gillian Woodward: No, but-
Counselor: And the defendent has not used force against you, or threatened you in any way?
Gillian Woodward: No.
Counselor: No futher questions, your Honor.
Judge: The witness may step down. [ Gillian steps down ] Alright. Unless I’m missing something, it would apear that no actual crime has been committed here. This court therefore fines for the defendent, and orders the plaintiff, Miss Woodward, to pay all costs and attorneys fees.
Counselor: Thank you, your Honor.
Judge: This court is adjourned! [ bangs gavel ]
Jessica: I’m sorry, Gillian. I know how you must feel.
Gillian Woodward: You know how I feel? Like I’ve had my personal space invaded all over again. And it makes me angry!
Jessica: Angry enough to file an appeal?
Gillian Woodward: If it means other women are spared what I went through.. absolutely!
Jessica: That’s what I thought you’d say.
David Pemberton: [ leaning in, joining the two women for a group hug ] I’ll be right down with you, darling.
[ dissolve to SUPERS: ]
[ “Gillian Woodward continues to reside in Vancouver.” ]
[ “In October, 2002, her case was still on appeal.” ]
[ “Every six seconds in this county, a woman’s personal space is invaded by her husband or domestic partner.” ]
[ “David Pemberton continues to reside with Gillian Woodward, and to invade her personal space.” ]
[ “He remains a free man.” ]
[ dissolve to Amy Poehler standing next to the real Gillian Woodward ]
Amy Poehler: Hello. I’m Amy Poehler. And this is Gillian Woodward, who actually lived the nightmare portrayed in tonight’s film.
The Real Gillian Woodward: Well.. I wouldn’t call it a “nightmare”. [ laughs nervously ]
Amy Poehler: What made you decide to break your silence?
The Real Gillian Woodward: Uh.. well, this whole thing started when I told someone in my exercise class that my husband has this weird habit of standing too close to me, and that it was kind of annoying. Next thing I know, her sister, who was a producer for Lifetime, was trying to buy the rights to my story. I thought they were nuts!
Amy Poehler: Having lived it, was it really hard for you to watch this film?
The Real Gillian Woodward: Well.. it really bothers me that they keep saying we lived in Vancouver. Um.. our four-year old thought we moved there without him.
Amy Poehler: And how are things for you today?
The Real Gillian Woodward: Oh.. [ chuckles ] ..fine! Um.. it turned out my husband just had a hearing problem, and he was too embarrassed to admit it! We’re very happy.
Amy Poehler: That’s great.
The Real Gillian Woodward: Oh, and another thing – we never went to court, so..
Amy Poehler: Gillian, thank you for your courage and your truth.
The Real Gillian Woodward: Okay, whatever!
[ fade ]