SNL Transcripts: Eric McCormack: 11/02/02: John Hancock Life Insurance


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 4

02d: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z

John Hancock Life Insurance

Husband…..Eric McCormack
Wife…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Husband and Wife having dinner in a fancy restaurant, frantically whispering to one another across the table – camera pans back and forth between them as they speak ]

Husband: Will you relax? The market always comes back.

Wife: It’s our safety net. You don’t.. screw around with it.

Husband: W-wait as minute.. you think this is easy for me? Do you know the pressure I’m under? Do you know how much college is gonna cost?

Wife: That’s what I’m talking about. What about me and the kids?

[ SUPER: “The average age a women becomes a widow is 56” ]

What happens if you’re attacked by a mountain lion?[ SUPER: “Last year 2 people were killed by mountain lions” ]

Husband: That is not gonna happen.

Wife: I’m sure two people thought the same thing last year. Now their families eat of a dumpster behind Long John Silver’s. They live in constant fear of knife-wielding hobos!

[ SUPER: “Hobos aren’t carefree and loveable” ]

Husband: That’s terrible..

Wife: Yeah. It is. And, at night, while the kids are sleeping under a freeway bridge, I’ll be forced to hang out in a Waffle House parking lot and have sex with truckers for money!

[ SUPER: “The average price for sex in a Waffle House parking lot is $10” ]

Husband: God..

Wife: You think I’m gonna be able to pay for the kids’ college doing that? Is that what you want for our family?

[ SUPER: “John Hancock Life Insurance” ]

Announcer: John Hancock Insurance. Frightening your family since 1862.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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