Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 4
John Hancock Life Insurance
[ open on Husband and Wife having dinner in a fancy restaurant, frantically whispering to one another across the table – camera pans back and forth between them as they speak ]
Husband: Will you relax? The market always comes back.
Wife: It’s our safety net. You don’t.. screw around with it.
Husband: W-wait as minute.. you think this is easy for me? Do you know the pressure I’m under? Do you know how much college is gonna cost?
Wife: That’s what I’m talking about. What about me and the kids?
[ SUPER: “The average age a women becomes a widow is 56” ]
What happens if you’re attacked by a mountain lion?[ SUPER: “Last year 2 people were killed by mountain lions” ]
Husband: That is not gonna happen.
Wife: I’m sure two people thought the same thing last year. Now their families eat of a dumpster behind Long John Silver’s. They live in constant fear of knife-wielding hobos!
[ SUPER: “Hobos aren’t carefree and loveable” ]
Husband: That’s terrible..
Wife: Yeah. It is. And, at night, while the kids are sleeping under a freeway bridge, I’ll be forced to hang out in a Waffle House parking lot and have sex with truckers for money!
[ SUPER: “The average price for sex in a Waffle House parking lot is $10” ]
Wife: You think I’m gonna be able to pay for the kids’ college doing that? Is that what you want for our family?
[ SUPER: “John Hancock Life Insurance” ]
Announcer: John Hancock Insurance. Frightening your family since 1862.