Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 4
Eric McCormack’s Monologue
…..Eric McCormack
…..Chris Kattan
Eric McCormack: Thank you. Thank you so much. What can I say? I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live” – how happy am I! Most of you probably know me as Will, from “Will & Grace”.. I understand that there may be some questions out here for me tonight. I’m happy to answer them, but let me start with the obviosu one first – No.. I’m not gay. I get that a lot, because my character, Will, is gay.. but I’m not. But I’m happy to answer anything else, though. Anybody?
Male Audience Member #1: Yes, hi, Eric.
Eric McCormack: Hi.
Male Audience Member #1: I don’t really have a question, just more of a comment? Uh.. I just want to say I’m a big fan of “Will & Grace”, I love your work.
Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. thank you very much.
Male Audience Member #1: Oh, by the way, everyone thinks I’m gay, too, but.. I’m not! [ laughs ] Just like you!
Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. uh.. yes, you? [ points to second audence member ]
Male Audience Member #2: [ dressed in cardigan, with a high, snoty voice ] Hi, Eric. I’m not gay, wither. I was hoping you could settle a bet – are your eyes green.. or hazel?
Eric McCormack: Wow.. they are actually green..
Male Audience Member #2: [ to Male Companion ] You owe me a back rub! His eyes are gree, and he’s not gay! We’re not gay, either! [ snickers ]
Eric McCormack: I’m.. I’m not gay..
Male Audience Member #2: Of course.
Eric McCormack: No! I’m not! Somebody else, please. On more question. [ points ] You, sir? [ man clad in leather chaps rises ] Actually, you know what? Not.. not.. not you.. the guy behind you. Yeah?
Male Audience Member #3: Yeah, um.. I’m not gay, either..
Eric McCormack: Great! What’s your question?
Male Audience Member #3: Uh.. do you want to go make out?
Eric McCormack: Okay, look! Will is gay.. I’m not! Is that so hard..?
[ Chris Kattans comes onstage ]
Chris Kattan: McCormack.. McCormack.. it’s okay.
Eric McCormack: I just, you know.. I try..
Chris Kattan: I know! I know! You know what? You’re not gonna beleive this.. but, sometimes, people think I’m gay. [ reveals that he’s wearing Mango outfit underneath ]
Eric McCormack: You?
Chris Kattan: Yeah, I know! Can you believe it?
Eric McCormack: But, you’re so..
Chris Kattan: No, I know, I know! and I’m a happily married man!
Eric McCormack: Yeah?
Chris Kattan: Yeah! Look at this! [ shows picture of himself with butch-looking woman ] That’s my wife – Bernice! And, still, people think I’m gay! I think what you need to do, is look deep down inside, and find that man inside of you, and share it with others.
Eric McCormack: Maybe you’re right.
Chris Kattan: Yeah.
Eric McCormack: Thanks, Chris!
Chris Kattan: You’re welcome. [ winks at audience before exiting stage ]
Eric McCormack: Chris is right! It doesn’t matter what you all think. I know I’m a straight man! I know it!
[ cue music, Eric begins song ]
“And I’ll tell you whyyyyyyy
I love baseball, and boxing,
messing around with tools!
Six-packs, and wrestling,
and smoking a pack of Kools.
I love watching Steve McQueen
movies on the late, late show!
And push-ups, and jumping jacks,
don’t you know!
What I really, really love
more than anything..
are boobies!Boobies!
Boobies in the morning,
boobies in the Spring!
Boobies in my face,
boobies are everything!
Boobiiiiieeeesss!!”
I think I just set the record straight, would you say? We’ve got a great show for you tonight! I’m not gay! Jay-Z’s here, with Lenny Kravitz and Beoynce! so, stick around – I’m not gay – we’ll be right back! I’m not gay! I’m not.. gay!
