Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 4
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
More than 200 Haitian immigrants waited ashore and rushed onto a major highway Tuesday after their 50-foot wooden freighter ran aground off of Miami, Florida. The Haitians said this was absolutely the last time they would book their travel through Priceline.com.
Jimmy Fallon: Tonight the United States Olympic committee officially nominated New York City as the US candidate to hold the 2012 Olympics. It’s really great news. The really great news is it gives New Yorkers a full 10 years to get the hell out of here.
Tina Fey: A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spear’s New York restaurant “Nyla” is in trouble and may close after just 4 months. In happier news, “Christina Aguilera’s Filthy Hot Dog Wagon is going strong.
Jimmy Fallon: A German schoolgirl has invented what she calls a merciless bed, which dumps people onto the floor when their alarm clock goes off. It has already won a prize for “Most German Invention”.
Tina Fey: While appearing on Larry King Live, Heather Mills-McCartney, the wife of Paul McCartney, removed her artificial leg and allowed King to hold it. Then in a spontaneous moment, King asked the leg to marry him.
Jimmy Fallon: Last weekend, Jackass: The Movie tramped the competition and topped the box office charts the second week in a row. Here with his review is NBC movie critic, Gene Shalit everybody.
Gene Shalit: Hello, Jimmy! First, let me say this. Jackass: The Movie is a jackass of a movie! Hey, hey, you, you, get the jackass off of my screen! Don’t jack-ask me again, Michael Jack-ackson! Put away your shiny glove! This thriller is a dud! Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who thinks that Jackass: The Movie isn’t worth saying, “Mama say, Mama sa, Mama kusa!”
Jimmy Fallon: Crazy.
Gene Shalit: Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Gene Shalit: Get the jackass out of your trunk and change the tire and drive your car away from this movie!
Jimmy Fallon: I am so lost, I mean, what on earth are you . . .
Gene Shalit: Jimmy! A little ditty about Jackass and I end, to an American movie doing the worst it can as a movie!
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I think we get the idea. You didn’t like Jackass. Have you seen anything else? How about “Ghost Ship”?
Gene Shalit: [pauses] Ghost Ship? More like a steaming pile of Ghost Ship? Who ya gonna call? Ghost Ship Busters! [starts laughing] If you call me up . . . I am afraid of this Ghost Ship, Jimmy!
[By this time, Jimmy is laughing so much he can’t even speak clearly.]
Jimmy Fallon: You’re not in your Today Show studio. You know, we have microphones, you don’t need to yell so much.
Gene Shalit: I’m old!
Jimmy Fallon: I know. Do you dye your mustache as well?
Gene Shalit: I dye everything!
Jimmy Fallon: How about the movie “The Ring”? Did you see “The Ring”? That’s supposed to be pretty good.
Gene Shalit: Ring around the rosey, trouser full of crapola! Ring, ring! Hello! Who’s this? Scary? You betcha!
Jimmy Fallon: All right, okay, that’s good.
Gene Shalit: Ring around the collar! I say, skid marks in my drawers! When “The Ring” is in my theater . . .
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we get it, we got it.
Gene Shalit: I got some more about Jackass, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: I think we’ve had enough, actually.
Gene Shalit: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jackass nipping at your theater! Merry Christmas? I say, Merry Don’t-count-me-in-the crot-of-this-movie, ISTA-MIS! Jackass!
Jimmy Fallon: “Istmas?” You gotta put some more effort into your songs!
Gene Shalit: HIT IT! [Gene Shalit gets up, music starts, and he dances around flailing his arms and making faces.]
Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? This is crazy. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? He’s lost his mind!
Gene Shalit: When the movie stinks, it has no story! Then you’re watching “Jack-the-ass: The Movie! [resumes dancing]
Jimmy Fallon: Gene Shalit, everybody!
Gene Shalit: GO TO HELL, JIMMY! [exits]
Tina Fey: We lost complete control . . .
Kevin Costner had his appendix out this week, but doctors say he is in boring condition and resting boringly.
VH1 has pulled the plug on “The Liza and David Show” after weeks of frustration trying to deal with control-freak David Gest. Also there were fears that during shooting, the lights would melt his wax head.
Jimmy Fallon: Musician Moby has created a book club for fans attending his concerts in which they bring a used book and take one from a communal pile. Moby said he got the idea when fans told him that the most exciting thing to do at one of his concerts is read.
Tina Fey: According to reports, Phil Collins has been going deaf for the past 2 years and may have to give up touring.
Jimmy Fallon: No, no, noâ¦that’s not what I heard. I heard that he witnessed this deaf guy murder this other deaf guy [“In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays] and then he invited the murderer to his concert and now he’s pretending to be deaf to trick him.
[Jimmy and Tina bob their heads to the music, then it stops.]
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: Following a series of salmonella outbreaks, the food and drug administration has put a ban on the import of Mexican cantaloupes. This could be really bad news for Salma Hayek.
A man in Indiana was arrested for stealing a chicken, taking it to a motel and having sex with it until it died. Police have issued a warrant for this man. [shows a picture of Gonzo from the Muppets]
You know Tina, I gotta tell you that Jay-Z was pretty great, right, Jay-Z? He’s awesome, he’s a good dude, a very good rapper. I’ll tell you what, I like the guy. My favorite guy in the group is that guy Baby K.
Tina Fey: Baby-K, which one is Baby-K?
Jimmy Fallon: He’s the little guy, he’s like 2 months old, he wears gold chains.
Tina Fey: I didn’t see Baby-K. I didn’t see that guy.
Jimmy Fallon: Actually, I got to know him pretty well. I could possibly persuade him to sing a song with his new joint. Baby K, come here for a second. [Jimmy jumps over the Update desk, puts Baby K on the desk, and returns]
Tina Fey: Oh there he is, he’s so cute. Hi Baby-K.
Baby-K: Gimme a beat! (rapping)
I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started
I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started
I’m gonna get this, I’m gonna get this,
I’m-a, I’m-a, I’m-aâ¦mama, mama, mama, mama, mamaâ¦
I’m gonna get this party started, this party, party started. Word!
Jimmy Fallon: Baby-K everybody. (he goes and picks Baby-K up and takes him off the desk, he goes and sits down again)
Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, thats Jimmy Fallon, Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
( Jimmy throws the pencil, Baby-Ks music comes on and Tina and Jimmy begin to dance)
Submitted by: Roseanne S. & Leadcrow90