Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 4
Joey Mack…..Jimmy Fallon
Councilman Gik…..Eric McCormack
[ open on metro area traffic scene, to the sounds of morning zoo radio Z-105 ]
Joey Mack V/O: Good morning, Saugurtes! Joey Mack & The Fuzz coming at ya – Andrea’s gonna give us a traffic report pretty soon!
Andrea V/O: It’s gonna be rough out there, you guys!
Joey Mack V/O: All that and more!
[ dissolve to interior, radio booth, only one on-air personality visible at the mike ]
Joey Mack: You’ve been listening to Z-105 all morning, and you’re listening to the best! [ pot rock music up ] Alright! Anyway. So, I was with this girl last night, right, and things get crazy.. she puts her finger where it’s not supposed to go. I don’t know why they do that. Anyways! Making me toast the next morning, I notice her fingernails are all brown – oh, my God! [ laughs ] It’s 5:43 in the A.M. here – we’ll be right back with the morning mix!
Joey Mack: Hey! Councilman Gik?
Councilman Gik: Yeah. I’m, uh.. looking for Joey Mack & The Fuzz.. the Z-105 Morning Crew..?
Joey Mack: Yeah! Come on in, come on! Thank you so much for coming! We’re excited here!
Councilman Gik: There’s an election coming.. I thought I would get the word out.
Joey Mack: Put your headphones on, we’re psyched to have you, thank you so much! This is great!
Councilman Gik: [ looking around the booth ] It sounded like there were.. a lot more people in here.
Joey Mack: Oh, yeah, yeah! Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.
And we’re baaaaack! It’s 5:24 in the A.M. here, we got a special guest in the studio.. [ Man-in-the-Box voice ] Is it Pamela Lee? [ Joey ] Man In The Box! Get back in there! No, it’s not Pamela Lee! We’ve got Councilman Bill Gik, he’s running for Mayor this week.
Councilman Gik: Thank you.. it’s, uh, nice to be here.. I’m running for County Legislator.
Joey Mack: Anyway.. I gotta ask you a question. You’re in politics, right?
Councilman Gik: Yeah.
Joey Mack: Now, we can’t say the word, because this is radio, but you know what I’m talking about. Do you get a lot of wounaki?
Councilman Gik: W-wounaki..? I-I-I don’t know what you’re-
Joey Mack: Come on, you’re an ordinary guy, hey! I’ll tell you who’s gettin’ a lot of wounaki – it’s our traffic girl Andrea. [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guys! I do not, you don’t even know! [ Joey ] I’ll tell you what. I heard Andrea went on a date last night.. [ Man -in-the-box voice ] I heard she gave up the wounakiiiii! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! [ Andrea voice ] I can’t believe it! [ Joey ] Now, Andrea.. at Cactus Jack’s, right? You’re there with this guy Brian, Ryan, I don’t know what’s his name? [ Andrea voice ] You know his name is Brian, you guys, he’s nice! [ Joey ] Anyway. Andrea’s out with this guy – Brian, Ryan, whatever his name is, alright? Let me get this straight – the guy uses a coupon.. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Cheap-ooooo! [ Joey ] Good call, Man-in-a-box! I mean, where’d you meet this guy, in Costco? [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guy’s he’s frugal! [ Joey ] Alright, my question is: Did he give her half-off the wounaki? It’s 5:26 in the a.m., we’ll be right back!
[ to Councilman Gik ] So, uh.. how’s the election going?
Councilman Gik: Uh.. good, I-I guess.. Am I going to get to talk about the issues?
Joey Mack: Yeah, yeah, sure! Is there something you want to plug, or..
Councilman Gik: Well, I’d like to talk about the Hastings Paper Mill, it’s polluting Hardy Pond, it’s killing all the-
Joey Mack: Hold on a second. [ on the mike ] And we’re baaaack! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. Councilman Bill Gik is here. We were talking about an important issue during the break..
Councilman Gik: Yes, we were.
Joey Mack: Uh, now, Councilman, honestly – how many times a day did you say you stroke it?
Councilman Gik: Wha-what?!
Joey Mack: Two times? Three times? [ Andrea voice ] You guys! [ Joey ] Uh, he’s pointing up, Andrea! Four times?!
Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] I didn’t say that I-
Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] It’s very possible! [Joey ] Now, we got our intern, Sonji, just came in here. Sonji, Councilman Gik says he spanks it four times a day!
Councilman Gik: I did not say that!
Joey Mack: Is that possible? [ Sonji voice ] I do not know, that is impossible.. oh, my god, I don’t believe this.. [ Joey ] Sonji, did you hear that Andrea’s date used a coupon at Cactus Jack’s! [ Sonhi voice ] No, I did not hear that.. that is funny! Oh, he used a coupon on a date! [ Joey ] Now, Councilman, you heard about the coupon, right?
Councilman Gik: [ exasperated ] No, I didn’t..
Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I heard that he didn’t need any coupons [ Joey ] Why is that, Man-in-the-box? [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Because her panties were half-off! [ andrea voice ] Man-in-the-box! [ Man-in-the-box ] It was all-you-can-eat wounaki buffet! [ Joey ] Alright! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. here. We got a caller on Line 1. Caller, you’re on the air! [ Caller voice ] Uh, hi there, Councilman. Gary. [ Joey ] Hey, Gary’s a typical guy, right? It’s me, Joey Mack! [ Andrea voice ] And Andrea! [ Man-in-the-box voice ] What’s up, Gary? It’s me, Man-in-the-box! [ Sonji voice ] It’s me – Sonji! [ Joey ] And? [ holds microphone towards Councilman Gik ]
Councilman Gik: [ hesitant ] Bill..
Joey Mack: Gik is here! Uh.. Gary, do you have a question for Councilman Gik? [ Caller voice ] Uh, yeah, I have a question about your opponent?
Councilman Gik: [ suddenly psyched ] Uh, yes! Janice Rhiney. go ahead.
Joey Mack: [ Caller voice ] Yeah, I-I-I was wondering, uh.. did she give you any wounaki? [ Joey ] Ha ha ha! [ Sonji vice ] Oh, my God, that is hilarious! [ Joey ] The gang wants to know if you’re sticking it to your opponet Janice Rhiney!
Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] What?! No!
Joey Mack: He’s winking! He’s winking at me, folks!
Councilman Gik: I am not!
Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I’d like to stick it in her rhiney!
Councilman Gik: Ohh, come on! It’s 5:30 in the morning!
Joey Mack: Hey, leave me out of this, alright? That’s between you and the Man-in-the-box!
Councilman Gik: What Man-in-the-box?! There is no Man-in-the-box!
Joey Mack: [ solemn ] I’m gonna be honest with you right now – I have a boner! [ presses button to make springing sound effect ] Okay! I’m excited right now! [ Councilman Gik stands to leave ] Uh-oh! Councilman Gik’s trying to get a peek over here!
Councilman Gik: You know, I’m just gonna go!
Joey Mack: Alright, see you later. Councilman Gik is great, great guy that councilman, I like him a lot. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I think that guy pooped his paaaants! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! Now, wait – Councilman Gik’s coming.. he’s back.. what did he say.. he came back in here, how are you doing? [ Councilman Gik voice ] Uh.. hey, everybody.. I’m Councilman Gik.. I pooped my pants. [ Andrea voice ] Euuuggh, that’s gross! [ Man-in-the-box ] I knew he did it! [ Joey ] Oh, my God! Councilman Gik pooped his pants! That’s crazy! It’s 5:31 in the a.m., we’ll be right back..
Councilman Gik: [ running back in to defend himself ] I did not poop my pants! Is this on?! I did NOT poop my pants!
[ fade out ]