SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: The Bloder Brothers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Bloder Brothers

Chinese Man…..Fred Armisen
Anita…..Nia Vardalos
Kip Bloater…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloater…..Chris Parnell

Chinese Man: You look like you had a thumbs-down day.

Anita: Well lets see, I hate my job, my friend totaled by car, and I just found out that the guy I’ve been flirting with on the internet is a 60 year old woman named Lu.

Chinese Man: Major bummer.

Anita: I’m getting a nice buzz off this Saki though. I think I’ll have another.

(Chinese Man walks away, camera pans to Bloater Brothers)

Kip Bloater: Saki? I’m Soukee.

Wayne Bloater: And I’m Teri.

Kip Bloater: And we’re the Yahki brothers.

Wayne Bloater: Teriyaki.

Kip Bloater: Soukeaki.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I kind of want to be alone tonight.

Kip Bloater: Well if you’re alone, then we’de like to approve that loan – approved.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I’ve got to warn you though – this loan’s got high-interest… in you.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: Would you like something to start?

Wayne Bloater: Yeah, a relationship with her.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Me too, make it extra spicy.

Chinese Man: I bring you – (untranscribible word that rhymes with other mommy)

Wayne Bloater: Wa-wa. I want my other mommy.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: I’d like some me-so soup because me-so hungry.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Me-so lonely.

Anita: Me-so want you guys to sit somewhere else.

(Muffled laugh)

Wayne Bloater: How about your lap?

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: How about your bath-tub?

Anita: How about the back of a police cruiser?

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo!

Kip Bloater: I hope they got a pu-pu platter cause I sort of got to shitaki.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: I think I’ll take the shrimp roll. Oops cancel that, I already have one in my pants.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Well this yellow-tail is good.

Wayne Bloater: Any tail is good.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Many tail is better.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Who are you guys?

Kip Bloater: Well, I’m Kip and this is my brother Wayne.

Wayne Bloater: And were the Bloater Brothers.

Kip Bloater: We used to calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Wayne Bloater: And now we pose nude for Playgirl and Hunk.

(Both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Playgirl and Hunk are the names of our parakeets.

Anita: Somebody call the humane society.

(Both laugh)

Anita: I’m Anita.

Wayne Bloater: And we’re a needy.

(both laugh)

Kip Bloater: Of a warn bod-y.

Wayne Bloater: Because we’re four-ty.

Chinese Man: I made you a special Bento Box.

Kip Bloater: Hey, this box is bento.(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Yeah we want one that’s straight-o.

(Both laugh)

Chinese Man: You guys are lame-o.

Kip & Wayne: Oooo!

Kip Bloater: Hey, hey, wait… wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: Wasabiiiii.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Hey guys… what’s wrong with youuuu? (Slight pause) Can you tell me guys, honestly, what do you guys look for in a woman?

Wayne Bloater: I’m pretty picky. I look for pity and a heart-beat.

Kip Bloater: I look for a woman I can deflate and hide from my father.

(Both laugh)

Anita: You guys are a riot. Do you like to party?

Kip Bloater: Well if party means dressing up like R2-D2 and one of the Mario Brothers and drivng around honking the horn, then indeed we party.

(Both laugh)

Wayne Bloater: If party means shortsheeting our parents bed and then hiding out in our basement clubhouse, then yeah we party.

(Both laugh)

Anita: How about coming over to my apartment and finishing off a bottle of Russian vodka?

Kip Bloater: Where-ski?

Wayne Bloater: And when-ski?

Anita: How about now-ski?

Kip & Wayne: Utgh-oooo-ski

Anita: I know I have Saki goggles on right now but you guys are so weird you’re cute. Lets go home and let our bodies do the talking.Wayne Bloater: What’s that body – please, don’t let her see my enormous areolas.

Kip Bloater: (body talking) Please don’t let her see the stretch marks on my floppy man breasts.

(Both laugh)

Anita: Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go get some ice cream.

Wayne Bloater: I scream…

Kip Bloater: You scream…

Wayne Bloater: You would scream if you saw my enormous areolas.

(Both laugh)Anita: You guys are not obviously into this, and I’m drunk and I don’t think I’m drunk enough to have sex with two gia-pets.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh…pause) Bye-oooo! (Laugh)

Chinese Man: Here you go.

Wayne Bloater: Whats this?

Chinese Man: Its called oonagi, because you not getting any tonight.

Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh, cry, then laugh again)


Submitted by: Ryan Corwin

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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