Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 5
The Bloder Brothers
Chinese Man…..Fred Armisen
Anita…..Nia Vardalos
Kip Bloater…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloater…..Chris Parnell
Chinese Man: You look like you had a thumbs-down day.
Anita: Well lets see, I hate my job, my friend totaled by car, and I just found out that the guy I’ve been flirting with on the internet is a 60 year old woman named Lu.
Chinese Man: Major bummer.
Anita: I’m getting a nice buzz off this Saki though. I think I’ll have another.
(Chinese Man walks away, camera pans to Bloater Brothers)
Kip Bloater: Saki? I’m Soukee.
Wayne Bloater: And I’m Teri.
Kip Bloater: And we’re the Yahki brothers.
Wayne Bloater: Teriyaki.
Kip Bloater: Soukeaki.
(Both laugh)
Anita: I kind of want to be alone tonight.
Kip Bloater: Well if you’re alone, then we’de like to approve that loan – approved.
(Both laugh)
Wayne Bloater: I’ve got to warn you though – this loan’s got high-interest in you.
(Both laugh)
Chinese Man: Would you like something to start?
Wayne Bloater: Yeah, a relationship with her.
(Both laugh)
Kip Bloater: Me too, make it extra spicy.
Chinese Man: I bring you – (untranscribible word that rhymes with other mommy)
Wayne Bloater: Wa-wa. I want my other mommy.
(Both laugh)
Kip Bloater: I’d like some me-so soup because me-so hungry.
(Both laugh)
Wayne Bloater: Me-so lonely.
Anita: Me-so want you guys to sit somewhere else.
(Muffled laugh)
Wayne Bloater: How about your lap?
(Both laugh)
Kip Bloater: How about your bath-tub?
Anita: How about the back of a police cruiser?
Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo!
Kip Bloater: I hope they got a pu-pu platter cause I sort of got to shitaki.
(Both laugh)
Wayne Bloater: I think I’ll take the shrimp roll. Oops cancel that, I already have one in my pants.
(Both laugh)
Anita: Well this yellow-tail is good.
Wayne Bloater: Any tail is good.
(Both laugh)
Kip Bloater: Many tail is better.
(Both laugh)
Anita: Who are you guys?
Kip Bloater: Well, I’m Kip and this is my brother Wayne.
Wayne Bloater: And were the Bloater Brothers.
Kip Bloater: We used to calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.
Wayne Bloater: And now we pose nude for Playgirl and Hunk.
(Both laugh)
Kip Bloater: Playgirl and Hunk are the names of our parakeets.
Anita: Somebody call the humane society.
(Both laugh)
Anita: I’m Anita.
Wayne Bloater: And we’re a needy.
(both laugh)
Kip Bloater: Of a warn bod-y.
Wayne Bloater: Because we’re four-ty.
Chinese Man: I made you a special Bento Box.
Kip Bloater: Hey, this box is bento.(Both laugh)
Wayne Bloater: Yeah we want one that’s straight-o.
(Both laugh)
Chinese Man: You guys are lame-o.
Kip & Wayne: Oooo!
Kip Bloater: Hey, hey, wait wasabiiiii.
(Both laugh)
Wayne Bloater: Wasabiiiii.
(Both laugh)
Anita: Hey guys what’s wrong with youuuu? (Slight pause) Can you tell me guys, honestly, what do you guys look for in a woman?
Wayne Bloater: I’m pretty picky. I look for pity and a heart-beat.
Kip Bloater: I look for a woman I can deflate and hide from my father.
(Both laugh)
Anita: You guys are a riot. Do you like to party?
Kip Bloater: Well if party means dressing up like R2-D2 and one of the Mario Brothers and drivng around honking the horn, then indeed we party.
(Both laugh)
Wayne Bloater: If party means shortsheeting our parents bed and then hiding out in our basement clubhouse, then yeah we party.
(Both laugh)
Anita: How about coming over to my apartment and finishing off a bottle of Russian vodka?
Kip Bloater: Where-ski?
Wayne Bloater: And when-ski?
Anita: How about now-ski?
Kip & Wayne: Utgh-oooo-ski
Anita: I know I have Saki goggles on right now but you guys are so weird you’re cute. Lets go home and let our bodies do the talking.Wayne Bloater: What’s that body – please, don’t let her see my enormous areolas.
Kip Bloater: (body talking) Please don’t let her see the stretch marks on my floppy man breasts.
(Both laugh)
Anita: Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go get some ice cream.
Wayne Bloater: I scream
Kip Bloater: You scream
Wayne Bloater: You would scream if you saw my enormous areolas.
(Both laugh)Anita: You guys are not obviously into this, and I’m drunk and I don’t think I’m drunk enough to have sex with two gia-pets.
Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh pause) Bye-oooo! (Laugh)
Chinese Man: Here you go.
Wayne Bloater: Whats this?
Chinese Man: Its called oonagi, because you not getting any tonight.
Kip & Wayne: Hi-oooo! (Laugh, cry, then laugh again)
(fade)
Submitted by: Ryan Corwin
