SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: A Message From the President of the United States



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5



02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This past Tuesday, you went to the polls in the first mid-term election of this presidency, and you made history. As the party holding the White House, Republicans were expected to lose seats in both the house and the Senate. But, because of your support, we actually gained seats, increasing our majority of the house, and returning the Senate to Republican control. Let’s look at the Senate.

[ holds up Senate scoreboard ]

Before the election, its 100 members included 50 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and 1 Independent – Sen. Jeffords of Vermont, the pee-pants who switched parties. That’s 50 Democrats, 49 Republicans, and 1 Independent. On Tuesday, Democrats picked up one seat, in Arkansas. [ writes “+1” under Democrats ] But Republicans gained three, in Georgia, Minnesota and Missouri. [ writes “+3” under Republicans ] Thus, in January, the new Senate will have.. [ adds totals ] ..51 Democrats.. 52 Republicans.. and 1 Independent. [ looks at the board curiously ] No, wait, that can’t be right. [ studies the board carefully ] Wait.. let’s try this.. [ erases wrong totals with his hand, holds up ink-smudged hand to the audience and laughs ]

On Tuesday, Democrats lost three seats.. [ writes “-3” under Democrats ] ..but Republicans only lost one. [ writes “-1” under Republicans ] Which means, come next year, the 100-member Senate will have.. ] adds the totals ] ..47 Democrats.. 48 Republicans.. and 1 Independent. [ looks at the board again ] Hang on. [ studies the board carefuly ] No, that’s right. 47 Democrats, 48 Republicans, and 1 Independent.

Now, let’s look at the races for Governor. [ holds up Governor scoreboard ] Before the election, the 50 state governors included 27 Republicans, 21 Democrats, and 2 Independents. On Tuesday, 36 states held races for Governor. Republicans won 22.. [ writes “+22” under Republicans ] ..Democrats won 14.. [ writes “+14” under Democrats ] So, come January, we will havem by my calculation.. [ adds totals ] ..49 Republican governors.. and 35 Democrats. Although, I believe I’m counting some of them twice here, because that’s too many.

But the numbers aren’t important. You see, this election was about more than how many governors there are. It was about helping your friends. Now, let’s be frank – I’m a popular guy. I like people, with the possible exception of Sen. Jeffords, the little fudge-drawers from Vermont. And, more important, people like me. Perhaps, I thought, if I asked them to, they would also like my friends. That’s why, just before the election, I went on a 5-day, 15-state campaign blitz, in order to help my friends running for office. Just as, on the other side, former President Clinton and Vice-President Gore were doing the same, although, in their case, in a losing effort. [ laughs ] Now, the results are in. I congratulate my friends on their victories. And, as we try to move America forward, I hope I can count on their support – just as former President Clinton and Vice-Preisdent Gore could have counted on the support of those they tried to help, had the outcome been different, and had their help not actually been the Kiss of Death.

One final word. To the American people: you gave me the Republican Senate I asked for, and I won’t let you down. And, to Sen. Jeffords of Vermont: welcome to Hell! Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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