Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 5
CBS News Special Report
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Stephen Carr…..Seth Meyers
Trip Keating…..Jimmy Fallon
Trip’s Slut…..Maya Rudolph
Kid With Fedora…..Fred Armsien
Gwendolyn Schnurr…..Nia Vardalos
Dan Rather: Good evening. Breaking news in our coverage of Election 2002. The results are in, and the democrats are shut out harder than a Nancy Boy at a Texas cathouse. But CBS News aims to give you the most complete coverage. With that in mind, we go now, live, to Stephen Douglas High School in Lakewood, Illinois, and our CBS News Correspondent Stephen Carr.[ cut to Stephen Carr in the campaign poster-covered halls of Stephen Douglas High School ]
Stephen Carr: Well, Dan, I’m standing here in the cafeteria, and, amidst the aroma of salisbury steak and day-old tater tots, thee’s another distinct smell – the smell.. of change. Let’s take a look at this graphic. [ graphic appears ] In this, one of the most hotly contested student council races that this state has seen in years, all five council seats have been swept by nerds! Degeating the cool kids, in what had been a cool kid hotbed for upwards of forty years.
Dan Rather: Well, grab me by my ankles, dump my head in the toilet and give me a swirlie. Stephen, how did this happen?
Stephen Carr: Well, let’s take a quick run through the races. Secretary was a shocker. Here was a case where a very nerdy girl – Erica “Squarica” Faust – beat a very slutty girl – Noella Forge.
Dan Rather: Wow. One usually expects a vote like this to go the slutty girl.
Stephen Carr: One usually does, Dan. It was a tough week for sluts. With Treasurer, it was a case of the candidates having similar names. Jock cool guy John Thompson ran against huge nerd Tom Johnson. also, their campaign posters were almost identical, both choosing to put pictures of their heads in money.
Dan Rather: Shades of Nixon-McGovern, 1972. Positively eerie.
Stephen Carr: Our exit polling shows that a lot of the stoners and dumb kids may have been confused. Whatever hte reason may be, Tom Johnson – nerd – finds himself heading to the renovated storage closet that is the student council office.
Dan Rather: Well, that leaves the big one. Let’s cut the rest of the lunch line, because they’re running out of sloppy joes, and I don’t have a period. Stephen, something’s heating up here, and it’s not the stack of porno the weird janitor keeps in the boiler room.
Stephen Carr: [ shaking his head ] That’s right, Dan. The student council President. This year we had three candidates, and, in a surprise upset, Gwendoyln Schnurr – nerd – stole it from two cool guys – Shawn Cooper, and Gordo. A classic case of the cool guys splitting the vote. The black cools went with Cooper, the white cools with Gordo. Meanwhile, being a nerd has always transcended race, and Schnurr ran a Nerd First campaign to perfection.
Dan Rather: Well, what about last year’s President, hardline cool guy Trip Keating?
Stephen Carr: Interesting story, Dan. Apparently, Trip was so cool that he took himself out of the running this year, because Student Council as – and these are his words – “Totally gay.” I’m getting word that he’s about to make his final address to the student body. Let’s take you there, now.
Trip Keating: Yeah, I guess, uh.. they wanted me to make some stupid speech, or something.. so, whatever. [ opens speech ] “This.. is.. lame..” [ throws his speech to the floor ] Hey, Douglas high can suck it! [ exits ]
Dan Rather: That boy is cooler than Sister Mary Margarets nipples on a cold winters morning.
Stephen Carr: That’s right, Dan.
Dan Rather: I mean.. I mean.. I mean, I’m not gay, but that boy – whoo!
Stephen Carr: Uh.. uh.. that’s enough, Dan! Come on! We’re gonna take you now, back to the gymatorium, where our winner, Gwendolyn Schnurr, is set to make her acceptance speech.[ headgear-clad Gwendolyn Schnurr steps up to the podium with her entourage of assorted nerd types ]
Gwendolyn Schnurr: Wow! They said it couldn’t be done!
Dan Rather: Looking at the stage, it seems to be a sea of queerbaits, pizzafaces, derwins, dillweeds, and career masturbators. Is that what I think it is?
Stephen Carr: That’s right – it’s headgear, Dan. Let’s hear what she has to say.
Gwendolyn Schnurr: Wow, they said it couldn’t be done! They said nerds would never rule this school! Well, Stephen Douglas has a new head of hair! And it is oillllllly!! Fro too long, the nerds of this school have been splintered – the marching band nerds, the newspaper nerds, the build-your-own-go-cart nerds! Now we can move about this school as one! But our victory is not just a victory for nerds! We would not be here today without the support of the dorks, the geeks, and, of course, the kid who wears the fedora! [ camera shows kid wearing fedora ] What more to say? what more to say? At a time like this, you just kinda want to say.. ni! Ni![ the other nerds join in with the chant of “Ni! Ni!” ]
Gwendolyn Schnurr: I’m so excited, I really am! I can hardly feel my back brace! See you guys at Trig! [ colored balloons fall from the ceiling, many of them bouncing off Gwendolyn’s head ] Ow! Ow, my eye! Ow! [ covers eye ]
Dan Rather: Well.. well, there you have it – the voters have spoken, and they have spoken in Klingon. That’s part of our world this evening. For the CBS Evening News.. Dan Rather. Good night.