SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: The Falconer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Maitre’d…..Chris Kattan
Waiter…..Fred Armisen
Falconer’s Ex-Wife…..Nia Vardalos

Announcer V/O: [ over scrolling SUPER ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

The Falconer: Donald! We’re starving to death! This land that once filled us with life is now barren. One of us must search elsewhere, and only one of us can fly.

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: No, Donald! You! Oh, Donald.. even in these desperate times, you still retain that dry sense of humor. Now you must fly away from these woods and bring back something – a possom, a squirrel.. anything to keep us alive! So, be gone, my friend! Bring us life! Bring us liiiiiiiifffe!!

[ Falcon flies into the air in search of food and salvation; close-up of his steadfast face ] [ dissolve to Falcon swooping down at a table in an expensive restaurant, as Maitre’d steps forward ]

Maitre’d: [ happily ] Ahhh, Monsieur Falcon! It’s so good to see you! Your usual table!

[ dissolve to Waiter holding holding a classic bottle before the Falcon ]

Waiter: It’s an ’82 Rothschild. [ Falcon squawks ] Yes. It’s our finest Burgundy. [ pours glass of wine, as Falcon sniffs the cork ] [ dissolve to Falcon eating a spoonful of extra-thick soup ] [ dissolve to Falcon eating spaghetti sloppily ] [ dissolve to Falcon being fittedwith a lobster bib, as he gnaws at a lobster claw ] [ dissolve to Waiter presenting Falcon with Cherries Jubilee ]

Waiter: And, for dessert – Cherries Jubilee. [ lights the cherries on fire ]

Falcon: [ screeches in fear of the flames ]

Waiter: Sorry.. sorry.. sorry.. sorry..

[ dissolve to Falcon drinking a glass of wine ] [ dissolve to Waiter and Falcon at completion of the meal ]

Waiter: A 100% tip? Thank you, Mr. Falcon. You’re too generous!

[ Falcon’s cell phone rings, he answers it ] [ Falconer’s Wife is on the other line ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: I heard you were in town. Why don’t you come by and say hello?

Falcon: [ squawks and flies into the air ] [ dissolve to exterior, apartment building ] [ sounds of Falcon’s high-pitched squawking amid Falconer’s Ex-Wife’s heavy orgasms ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: Oh, yeah.. ohhh!!

[ SUPER: “The Next Morning” ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: Oh, yeah! That was amazing!

[ Falcon squawks, and flies into the air ]

Falconer’s Ex-Wife: So soon? Why don’t you ever stay for breakfast?! Damn you, Falcon!

[ Falcon flies into the air; close-up of his steadfast face ] [ Falcon spots a rat in the grass, and swoops down for it ] [ dissolve to The Falconer, as Falcon swoops down and drops the dead rat in The Falconer’s hands ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! I knew I could count on you! We shall split this in half and eat as if t’were our feast, and we two mighty kings!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: What?! The whole thing for me?!

Falcon: [ squawks ]

The Falconer: Even the head? Oh, you are a true friend. Hopefully, one day we can return to society. But until that day, you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: “The Falconer”!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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