SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: The Ferey Mühtar Talk Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

The Ferey Mühtar Talk Show

Ferey Mühtar….Horatio Sanz
Tarik Ozekial….Darrell Hammond
Jacaleechy Alaal….Nia Vardalos
Yebet Farak….Chris Kattan
Drummer….Fred Armisen

[Opens with the Turkish State TV logo]

Announcer: You are watching channel 114, Turkish State supported Television.

[Montage of Ferey smoking all happy on the streets of Turkey. He wears his uni-brow, gold chains and crappy polyester suit]

Tarik Ozekial: Its the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Tonight Ferey’s guest from the hit TV show “Sexy Lifeguard Ladies”, actress Jacaleechy Alaal! Also everybody’s favorite comedy segment, “Funny newspaper mistakes”. And now here he is! The man who takes a licking and keeps on trucking! Ferey Mühtar!

[Ferey comes out super excited smoking his cigarette, wearing his gold chains and crappy polyester suit]

Ferey Mühtar: Good to see you! How is everybody is doing tonight?! All right, all right. Good halamayaya to you all!!! Thank you. Oh, let’s see what’s in the news, man.

Tarik Ozekial: Ok!

Ferey Mühtar: Oh boy! Of course the big news, election! The big election is Recep Tayyip Erdogan is the new prime minister. You hear about this?

Tarik Ozekial: I hear about it.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh my God! He win with 34 % of the vote. Which is a landslide! 34% is a landslide. This country has more parties than P. Diddy!

[rim shot]

[A guy in a guitar and a drummer looking depressed as hell, cigarettes dangling from their mustached lips]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, thank you, Yeveth! Yebet Farak and the Ferey Mühtar band everybody!

[paralyzed look on the band’s faces]

Ferey Mühtar: Give it up! All right! [kisses his ring, pumps fist] Yallah!!! Ok, say hello to my main man! Pound for pound the classiest man in show business, Mr. Tarik Ozekial! [Tarik sits in his crappy white suit, big mustache, Ferey sits] Oh man! Hot show bro! Hot show!

Tarik Ozekial: Hot show! Big show!

Ferey Mühtar: Tarik! How’s it going, my bro-bro?!

Tarik Ozekial: Aw, yeah.

Ferey Mühtar: Nice suit.

Tarik Ozekial: What?

Ferey Mühtar: I didn’t know AP had a men’s department! [rim shot] [Ferey ululating and laughing hard, Tarik is hurt] Holy moly, Tarik! I’m kidding! But seriously my bro! Was that suit a prize in a box of Frosted Halakashans?! Yayayayayah!!! Holy moly!

Tarik Ozekial: Well, your mother gets boned by goats.

Ferey Mühtar:[surprised] What the hell, man?! Its called banter bro! Banter! Geez louise! I just finished calling you the classiest man in show business.

Tarik Ozekial: I’m sorry, Ferey. Things are weird at home, you know.

Ferey Mühtar: Ok. well, lets forget about it. Lets just bring out our first guest. She is the hottest actress in Turkey. Please welcome, the lovely, the beautiful Jacaleechy Alaal!

[Jacaleechy comes out in a black leather suit smoking with toasted blond hair,uni-brow, Tarik checks her out]

Jacaleechy Alaal: Hello Ferey! [kisses him]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, so beautiful, so sexy!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Oh, hi Ferey! Thank you for having me! [weird look at Tarik, sits]

Ferey Mühtar: Welcome to the show! Oh, you are superfine tonight Jacaleechy! You are stone cold fox!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Thank you. [earring falls down her shirt] Ooops! Oh! [gets the earring] Better.

Ferey Mühtar: Better, much better. Ok, so now you’re on this show “Sexy Lifeguards Ladies”. Uh, you’re so happening. The show is great!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Yeah, its great for what is happening for me right now. I got the show, doing great. I got 6 movies coming out in May. I got–I just recorded my first CD. [Jacaleechy picks out her nose disgustingly] Going to drop like June 6. [wipes the bugger on the chair, Tarik observes] I designed a set of steak knives for K-Mart. The calendar is to the max. Its great.

Tarik Ozekial: [horny look] You are sooo beautiful.

Ferey Mühtar: [avoiding Tarik’s horniness] We have a sneak preview of the calendar. Jacaleechy, oh my God! You are unbelievable in this thing! Show them the calendar Tarik! Oh, take a gander at this, mo-fos!

[Jacaleechy poses for her 2003 calendar in front of an industrial building in a tank top, hairy armpits, holding a beach ball, sultry look on her face]

Ferey Mühtar: Holy cow, man! You are one red hot fox in that thing, baby!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Thanks! We shot all of this over at the oil refinery in Bakul. I know, tough life, right?! My favorite is October.

Tarik Ozekial: [crazy horny] Oh, yeah. That is the best one.

Ferey Mühtar: Ok, man. Be cool, bro. Take it down–take–its ok. Just open it up and show them October.

Tarik Ozekial: [embarrased] I cannot show them October. I used it.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, oh my God! Ok, well lets move on. You know, this is a funny story. The other day I was at Krasko Street. Oh man, this is a hot club! Oh my god man! You got 3 dance floors! Oh! You got steam tables full of eggs, my bro! Ooooh, its incredible! And I get sober and who do I see? The lovely, beautiful Jacaleechy Alaal!

Jacaleechy Alaal: I know! I saw you! That was so fun dancing with you, Ferey! We did “The Hustle” for like 3 hours!

Ferey Mühtar: Yeah baby!

Tarik Ozekial: Jacaleechy, I asked you to dance like 10 times! Oh, but you take me like I’m some kind of Armenian or something! Oh, boy! You and Ferey are doing the bump! I am by myself holding cards!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Get off my face! Ok, toilet case! I tell you something, you think I don’t notice everytime you drop your falash you try and look up my skirt?! You think–you are drunk–you think when I go to the restroom I don’t notice your shoes in the stall next to me?!

Tarik Ozekial: Ferey….ok, ok, ok….

Ferey Mühtar: Lets cool it down. Lets take it down a notch!

Tarik Ozekial: You have to believe me! I was sober as a khalil!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Oh!

Ferey Mühtar: Come on man! Come on!

Tarik Ozekial: I was sober!

Jacaleechy Alaal: You–like a khalil?!

Ferey Mühtar: Like a khalil? You think I’m some kind of space man bro?! Didn’t I see you buy an RC and I also see you pull out the goatskin full of raki?! And you put the raki with the RC, you made raki and RCs and you drink it? You think I don’t have eyes?!

Tarik Ozekial: Ferey, I swear to you on my mother’s grave! I have stopped the drinking! Never! I would never take the goatskin with me! Not never!

Ferey Mühtar: Cut the bull-jive, bro!!!!

Tarik Ozekial: Why are you yelling at me?

Ferey Mühtar: Bro-bro! You got the goatskin in your jacket right as we speak my man!!!

Tarik Ozekial: [takes out a goatskin pouch from the jacket, arms up] Ok, ok! [laughs]

Jacaleechy Alaal: You are so busted, you are so busted!

Tarik Ozekial: Totally busted! Totally!

Ferey Mühtar: Oh my God! You are so busted! You got to lay off the hard stuff Mr. Kotter! [Turkish music] Oh no! I can’t believe it that music! Oh! This is not good time dynamite! You can’t jive the bull-jive! I’ll have to stop he show. We are out of time. I want to thank my guest Jacaleechy Alaal.

Jacaleechy Alaal: My pleasure!

Ferey Mühtar: From Tarik Ozekial, this is Ferey Mühtar saying good night!

Jacaleechy Alaal: Good night.

[Turkish State Television logo]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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