SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: Dropping The L.B.’s With Missy E

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Dropping The L.B.’s With Missy E

Missy Elliot…..Tracy Morgan
Female Testimonial #1…..Nia Vardalos
Male Testimonial #1…..Jeff Richards
Female Testimonial #2…..Rachel Dratch
Dr. Simone…..Eve

[ show people trying to fit into old, small clothes ]

Announcer: Having a hard time fitting into your high school prom dress?

Need to squeeze into your college marhing band pants just oner more time?

[ show Missy Elliot workout video ]

Then you need the hottest new exercise video on the market – Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E, starring.. Missy Elliot.

[ dissolve to Missy Elliot in workout clothes standing at gym set ]

Missy Elliot: A hee hee hee hee yow! Hee hee hee hee yow! Are you thick, thick, thick? And want to slim down to just thick? Lord knows I would! I was tired of taking off my thongs and watching my ass go tonka-tonk-tonk! So, me, Missy E, and Timberland produced these exercise videos to help y’all drop the L.B.’s!

Announcer: Combining her off-the-hook dance moves and physically impossible computer-generated stretches, Missy helps you burn the fat and trim yo’ width.

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“The weight fluctuates like a roller coaster!
Stick with me, Missy E, and I’ll tell ya ta-ta!
Ta ta ta ta ta-ta ta-ta!”

Listen to my home girl!

[ dissolve to Female Testimonial #1 ]

Female Testimonial #1: I.. love.. this exercise video. It is so challenging. Now, I still can’t do the part where her neck stretche out like chewing gum, and hoopty-hoops through her legs several times.. but just kind of bopping my head makes my heart rate skyrocket, and I have lost two pounds of neck fat! Thanks, Missy Elliot!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“Want to look like Halle Berry in a nice poster?
Just start losing weight with me, tomorrow!
Blah blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah!
Learn to sweat, need a glass of wa-ter!”

[ dissolve to Male Testimonial #1 ]

Male Testimonial: I love Missy’s workout, and it requires no fancy equipment, no expensive gym membership – just the natural ability to get your freak on! Which.. I.. do not have.. But I lost twenty pounds trying! Missy E, your workout is ov-ahhhh!!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: [ singing ]
“You can drop the pounds!
Stop, don’t make a sound!
Stomach muscle bound!
Pretty firm around!

[ dissolve to Female Testimonial #2 ]

Female Testimonial #2: I lost over fourteen pounds. I felt so good about myself, I went out and.. got my nails done! Got a pedicure! Got my her-did! I highly recommend this exercise video. Hollar back, y’all!

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: Take it from me, Missy E – I reached my goal! so can you! Just listen to what my doctor has to say!

Dr. Simone: Hi, I’m Dr. Simone. It has been clinically has proven that, if you lose weight, more people will want to have sex with you. So get in bed, with your old man, and go have fun, baby!

Missy Elliot: Go have fun, baby!

“Do your exercise, watch your portion!
Fly a spaceship, just like a martian!”

[ show Missy Elliot workout video ]

Announcer: Dropping the L.B.’s with Missy E. $29.95 for the videotape..

[ dissolve back to Missy Elliot ]

Missy Elliot: C.O.D. for extra four dollaaaaaars!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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