SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: Pier 1 Imports

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5



02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Pier 1 Imports

Kirstie Alley…..Nia Vardalos
Businesswoman…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on Businesswoman sitting at her desk stressing out over a laptop computer ] [ cut to two-square screen: Kirstie Alley pops up in the first square to slam-close laptop computer; Businesswoman looking surprised and worried in the second square ]

Kirstie Alley: You look stressed, Sister Moon! You need.. shopping therapy. [ bangs chimes ] [ Show card: “Pier 1 Imports” ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1!

[ Kirstie grabs Businesswoman by the hair, and drags her forcefully to Pier 1 ]

Kirstie Alley: I feel a vibe already!

Businesswoman: Oh! Watch it!

Kirstie Alley: Huh! [ grabs candle, thrusts it at Businesswoman’s face ] Here, smell this candle – smell it!!

[ Businesswoman reluctantly smells the candle, as Kirstie Alley continues to run amok ]

Businesswoman: [ on cellphone ] Hello, police? I’ve been kidnapped by the girl from “Cheers”. No. The second one. I’m at the Crabtree Valley Mall. You’ve got-

[ Kirstie Alley sneaks up behind Businesswoman ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Kirstie Alley is no longer an employee of Pier 1 International.

[ Kirstie tugs forcefully at Businesswoman ]

Businesswoman: Let me go! Please! I’m gonna scream!

[ Kirstie covers Businesswoman’s mouth, muffling her screams of terror ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] If Kirstie Alley approaches you on foot or in a vehicle, and offers to take you to a Pier 1 store, do not go with her.

[ Kirstie holds businesswoman down ]

Kirstie Alley: Re-lax.. it’s like we’re in a meadow – but we’re no-ot!

Voiceover: [ over card ] If you are confronted by Kirstie Alley, speak in quiet tones, and do not look directly into her eyes.

[ Clerk stares dumbfoundedly at Kirstie’s behavior ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1! [ turns around, shoves Clerk into a shelf, knocking him and the shelf to the floor ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Only you can protect yourself from Kirstie Alley.

[ Kirstie wears a soothing face mask, and tosses plastic flowers around the store ]

Kirstie Alley: I’m in a meadow! I really am!

Voiceover: Paid for by Pier 1 International, and the Kirstie Alley Prevention Task Force.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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