Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 5
Pier 1 Imports
Kirstie Alley…..Nia Vardalos
Businesswoman…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on Businesswoman sitting at her desk stressing out over a laptop computer ]
[ cut to two-square screen: Kirstie Alley pops up in the first square to slam-close laptop computer; Businesswoman looking surprised and worried in the second square ]
Kirstie Alley: You look stressed, Sister Moon! You need.. shopping therapy. [ bangs chimes ]
[ Show card: “Pier 1 Imports” ]
Kirstie Alley: Pier 1!
[ Kirstie grabs Businesswoman by the hair, and drags her forcefully to Pier 1 ]
Kirstie Alley: I feel a vibe already!
Businesswoman: Oh! Watch it!
Kirstie Alley: Huh! [ grabs candle, thrusts it at Businesswoman’s face ] Here, smell this candle – smell it!!
[ Businesswoman reluctantly smells the candle, as Kirstie Alley continues to run amok ]
Businesswoman: [ on cellphone ] Hello, police? Ive been kidnapped by the girl from “Cheers”. No. The second one. I’m at the Crabtree Valley Mall. You’ve got-
[ Kirstie Alley sneaks up behind Businesswoman ]
Voiceover: [ over card ] Kirstie Alley is no longer an employee of Pier 1 International.
[ Kirstie tugs forcefully at Businesswoman ]
Businesswoman: Let me go! Please! I’m gonna scream!
[ Kirstie covers Businesswoman’s mouth, muffling her screams of terror ]
Voiceover: [ over card ] If Kirstie Alley approaches you on foot or in a vehicle, and offers to take you to a Pier 1 store, do not go with her.
[ Kirstie holds businesswoman down ]
Kirstie Alley: Re-lax.. it’s like we’re in a meadow – but we’re no-ot!
Voiceover: [ over card ] If you are confronted by Kirstie Alley, speak in quiet tones, and do not look directly into her eyes.
[ Clerk stares dumbfoundedly at Kirstie’s behavior ]
Kirstie Alley: Pier 1! [ turns around, shoves Clerk into a shelf, knocking him and the shelf to the floor ]
Voiceover: [ over card ] Only you can protect yourself from Kirstie Alley.
[ Kirstie wears a soothing face mask, and tosses plastic flowers around the store ]
Kirstie Alley: I’m in a meadow! I really am!
Voiceover: Paid for by Pier 1 International, and the Kirstie Alley Prevention Task Force.
