SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: Pier 1 Imports

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Pier 1 Imports

Kirstie Alley…..Nia Vardalos
Businesswoman…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on Businesswoman sitting at her desk stressing out over a laptop computer ] [ cut to two-square screen: Kirstie Alley pops up in the first square to slam-close laptop computer; Businesswoman looking surprised and worried in the second square ]

Kirstie Alley: You look stressed, Sister Moon! You need.. shopping therapy. [ bangs chimes ] [ Show card: “Pier 1 Imports” ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1!

[ Kirstie grabs Businesswoman by the hair, and drags her forcefully to Pier 1 ]

Kirstie Alley: I feel a vibe already!

Businesswoman: Oh! Watch it!

Kirstie Alley: Huh! [ grabs candle, thrusts it at Businesswoman’s face ] Here, smell this candle – smell it!!

[ Businesswoman reluctantly smells the candle, as Kirstie Alley continues to run amok ]

Businesswoman: [ on cellphone ] Hello, police? I’ve been kidnapped by the girl from “Cheers”. No. The second one. I’m at the Crabtree Valley Mall. You’ve got-

[ Kirstie Alley sneaks up behind Businesswoman ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Kirstie Alley is no longer an employee of Pier 1 International.

[ Kirstie tugs forcefully at Businesswoman ]

Businesswoman: Let me go! Please! I’m gonna scream!

[ Kirstie covers Businesswoman’s mouth, muffling her screams of terror ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] If Kirstie Alley approaches you on foot or in a vehicle, and offers to take you to a Pier 1 store, do not go with her.

[ Kirstie holds businesswoman down ]

Kirstie Alley: Re-lax.. it’s like we’re in a meadow – but we’re no-ot!

Voiceover: [ over card ] If you are confronted by Kirstie Alley, speak in quiet tones, and do not look directly into her eyes.

[ Clerk stares dumbfoundedly at Kirstie’s behavior ]

Kirstie Alley: Pier 1! [ turns around, shoves Clerk into a shelf, knocking him and the shelf to the floor ]

Voiceover: [ over card ] Only you can protect yourself from Kirstie Alley.

[ Kirstie wears a soothing face mask, and tosses plastic flowers around the store ]

Kirstie Alley: I’m in a meadow! I really am!

Voiceover: Paid for by Pier 1 International, and the Kirstie Alley Prevention Task Force.

SNL Transcripts

Notify of