SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: La Femme Day Spa


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 5

02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

La Femme Day Spa

Sonia…..Nia Vardalos
Patron…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, La Femme Day Spa ] [ dissolve to interior, spa room, where Sonia awaits as her Patron enters ]

Patron: Hi, uh.. I have an eleven o’clock appointment with Sonia?

Sonia: [ chipper ] Hell-oooo! I am Sonia! What you have waxed?

Patron: Oh.. uh.. just bikini.

Sonia: Okay, baby. Take off pants, hops on the table.

[ Patron removes her pants and climbs on the table, private parts hidden by a row of shampoo bottles on the table in front ]

Sonia: Ohhhh.. this is your first time waxing?

Patron: Uh.. no. No, it’s not.

Sonia: [ looking ] Hmm.. hmm.. You wait too long in between.

Patron: Oh.. I-I-I was here a week ago.

Sonia: Nooooooo! Who did you?

Patron: Uh.. I had the other girl, um.. Magda?

Sonia: No no no no. You don’t go to Magda, she is no good. You come to me! How many fingers you want?

Patron: What?

Sonia: How wide the landing strip? you want Brazilian?

Patron: No.. no, no.. um.. just American is fine.

Sonia: Okay, please. You put your leg here.. and other leg here. [ positions Patron as needed, begins to apply the wax ] Okay.. okay..

[ Sonia pulls the strips, as Patron repeatedly “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s to the varying degrees of pain from having her hairs yanked by the strips ]

Sonia: So stubborn! Oh, move leg. No, like this. [ spreads Patron’s legs apart ] Oh! you have children?

Patron: Uh.. no.. why?

Sonia: [ a beat, as she holds the spread legs in place ] Never mind.

[ Sonia pulls more strips, as Patron continue to scream out her “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s ]

Sonia: Okay, this part gonna hurt a little bit.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, I go a little more in.

Patron: Oh, no, no, no! That’s plenty! That’s plenty!

Sonia: Aww, for your husband. For your husband!

Patron: Uh.. I don’t have a husband.

Sonia: [ a beat ] I make room for one.

Patron: You don’t have to go too far in.. it’s-it’s not even bathing suit weather, or anything..

Sonia: Please, honey. If you go to a house, and the grass is very high, and the weeds growing everywhere, you say, “Ahhhh, that is a crazy person’s house!” And you run away! I don’t want you to have a crazy house!

Patron: Okay..

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: Okay, finished.

Patron: Oh, thank God!

Sonia: Turn over.

Patron: What?

Sonia: I’m going to do the back.

Patron: Uh, no, no.. maybe, let’s just skip the back.

Sonia: What? What are you going to do, you got a bunny rabbit tail thing back there. A little furry rabbit tail. Come on, turn over.

Patron: Oh, brother.. [ turns over ]

Sonia: Okay.

[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]

Sonia: It’s like I can’t even make a dent! [ pulls a strip ] You are Hungarian?

Patron: No.

Sonia: Russian?

Patron: No. I’m half-English, half-Irish.

Sonia: No, no, no.. you ask your mother, she will tell you you are adopted! [ pulls a strip ] No English lady is this hairy.

Patron: Are we done yet?

Sonia: You pay double, okay?

Patron: Really? Is it that bad?

Sonia: Honey, you got Robin Williams’ forearms in your panties.

Patron: Don’t say that!

Sonia: Don’t be embarrassed.

Patron: But..

Sonia: I fix for you, but it’s going to take a long time, okay, Sasquatch?

[ Sonia continues pulling strips, as Patron continues to cream in agony ] [ dissolve to exterior, the strips and screams continue ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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