Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 5
La Femme Day Spa
Sonia…..Nia Vardalos
Patron…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on exterior, La Femme Day Spa ]
[ dissolve to interior, spa room, where Sonia awaits as her Patron enters ]
Patron: Hi, uh.. I have an eleven o’clock appointment with Sonia?
Sonia: [ chipper ] Hell-oooo! I am Sonia! What you have waxed?
Patron: Oh.. uh.. just bikini.
Sonia: Okay, baby. Take off pants, hops on the table.
[ Patron removes her pants and climbs on the table, private parts hidden by a row of shampoo bottles on the table in front ]
Sonia: Ohhhh.. this is your first time waxing?
Patron: Uh.. no. No, it’s not.
Sonia: [ looking ] Hmm.. hmm.. You wait too long in between.
Patron: Oh.. I-I-I was here a week ago.
Sonia: Nooooooo! Who did you?
Patron: Uh.. I had the other girl, um.. Magda?
Sonia: No no no no. You don’t go to Magda, she is no good. You come to me! How many fingers you want?
Patron: What?
Sonia: How wide the landing strip? you want Brazilian?
Patron: No.. no, no.. um.. just American is fine.
Sonia: Okay, please. You put your leg here.. and other leg here. [ positions Patron as needed, begins to apply the wax ] Okay.. okay..
[ Sonia pulls the strips, as Patron repeatedly “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s to the varying degrees of pain from having her hairs yanked by the strips ]
Sonia: So stubborn! Oh, move leg. No, like this. [ spreads Patron’s legs apart ] Oh! you have children?
Patron: Uh.. no.. why?
Sonia: [ a beat, as she holds the spread legs in place ] Never mind.
[ Sonia pulls more strips, as Patron continue to scream out her “Yipe!”s “Ooh!”s and “Eek!”s ]
Sonia: Okay, this part gonna hurt a little bit.
[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]
Sonia: Okay, I go a little more in.
Patron: Oh, no, no, no! That’s plenty! That’s plenty!
Sonia: Aww, for your husband. For your husband!
Patron: Uh.. I don’t have a husband.
Sonia: [ a beat ] I make room for one.
Patron: You don’t have to go too far in.. it’s-it’s not even bathing suit weather, or anything..
Sonia: Please, honey. If you go to a house, and the grass is very high, and the weeds growing everywhere, you say, “Ahhhh, that is a crazy person’s house!” And you run away! I don’t want you to have a crazy house!
Patron: Okay..
[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]
Sonia: Okay, finished.
Patron: Oh, thank God!
Sonia: Turn over.
Patron: What?
Sonia: I’m going to do the back.
Patron: Uh, no, no.. maybe, let’s just skip the back.
Sonia: What? What are you going to do, you got a bunny rabbit tail thing back there. A little furry rabbit tail. Come on, turn over.
Patron: Oh, brother.. [ turns over ]
Sonia: Okay.
[ more strips are pulled, Patron’s screams continue ]
Sonia: It’s like I can’t even make a dent! [ pulls a strip ] You are Hungarian?
Patron: No.
Sonia: Russian?
Patron: No. I’m half-English, half-Irish.
Sonia: No, no, no.. you ask your mother, she will tell you you are adopted! [ pulls a strip ] No English lady is this hairy.
Patron: Are we done yet?
Sonia: You pay double, okay?
Patron: Really? Is it that bad?
Sonia: Honey, you got Robin Williams forearms in your panties.
Patron: Don’t say that!
Sonia: Don’t be embarrassed.
Patron: But..
Sonia: I fix for you, but it’s going to take a long time, okay, Sasquatch?
[ Sonia continues pulling strips, as Patron continues to cream in agony ]
[ dissolve to exterior, the strips and screams continue ]
[ fade ]
