SNL Transcripts: Nia Vardolas: 11/09/02: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 5


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02e: Nia Vardolas / Eve

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, how you doing! I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s stories!

This week, for the first time in fifty years, Republicans have taken control of the House, the Senate, and the Presidency, leaving the Democratic Party in shambles. It’s the end of the Clinton-Gore era, people – Elvis really has left the building!

Much of the Republicans’ success is due to President Bush, who made campaign appearances in fifteen states in five days. This is the hardest Bush has worked since that time he tried to walk home from Mardi Gras.

Elizabeth Dole claimed victory on Election Day, with a big win in the North Carolina Senate race, beating Democrat Erskine Bowles. Bowles said he will now focus on his other lifetime goal, finding a tiny bike license plate that says “Erskine”.

Former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris was elected to the House of Representatives Tuesday. Voters said they chose Katherine Harris because, [ hick accent ] “I dun seen her on my TV box before, I’m gonna vote for her!”

Jeb Bush’s victory in Florida avoided a potential embarrassment for his brother George and the G.O.P., which spent upwards of $30 million on his campaign, most of which appears to have gone towards snacks.

A rare bright spot for Democrats was the victory of 78-year old former Sen. Frank Loutenburg, who stepped in at the last minute for Robert Torcelli, and will now return to the Senate, most likely in a Jazzy.

A new pediatric report says that gastric bypass surgery for obesity, once viewed as suitable only for adults, is emerging as an option for children. Fat, lazy children.

It was announced this week that Red Lobster will open a restaurant in Times Square next year. Finally, just like the old days, you’ll be able to go down to Times Square and get crabs.

In a stirring victory for the U.S. legal system in Los Angeles this week, prosecutors finally convicted this country’s most dangerous criminal. [ show Winona Ryder ] We can all sleep soundly tonight, my fellow Americans. We can all sleep soundly tonight.

Singer Bobby Brown was arrested early Thursday in Atlanta, and charged with possession of marijuana, speeding, no proof of insurance, and no driver’s license. He’s still got it!

At a James Bond trivia contest, held in Times Square last weekend, “Sopranos” star Jamie Lynn Sigler beat out Robert Wuhl to win a watch from Pierce Brosnan. Spectators at the event said, “What the hell are we doing here?”

This week, the spacecraft Galileo ended its thirteen-year mission, and NASA has decided to crash the unmanned ship into Jupiter for disposal. In the best-case scenario, Galileo will harmlessly blow up while entering Jupiter’s atmosphere. The worst-case scenario? Jupiter will launch a war of terror against Earth.

[ cut to Tina Fey standing in front of a sonar device ]

Tina Fey: Scientists at the Georgia Institute of Technology have developed a security system that uses sonar to identify people by the way they walk. Weekend Update has obtained the device, and we are going to test it out right now. Jimmy, are you ready?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah, I’m ready. Uh.. okay, we’re gonna go see if this device can identify people by the way they walk. Here we go.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine in a jive motion ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “George Jefferson” ]

Tina Fey: Yep! George Jefferson! That’s right! Try another one.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay.

[ Jimmy does a spin as he crosses the machine ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Michael Stipe” ]

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s right! Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, uh.. let’s see if they can get this one.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine in a haggard fashion ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Nick Nolte” ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Anna Nicole Smith” ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Ozzy Osbourne” ]

Tina Fey: Nick Nolte, yeah.. it’s a little confused on that one, it’s still very good, though. Try one more.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I’m gonna try this one..

[ Jimmy walks across the machine waving his arms wildly ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Tina Fey” ]

Tina Fey: What?! I don’t walk like that! This thing’s broken. I’m going back to the desk.

[ Tina walks across the machine waving her arms wildly ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Tina Fey” ]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think it seems to be working. It seems fine to me. This is crazy.

[ Jimmy walks across the machine normally ]

[ machine beeps, reads: “Stupid A**hole” ]

[ cut to Tina back at the news desk ]

Tina Fey: The cover of People magazine this week features a picture of Al Roker in a picture of his old pants, demonstrating how he lost 100 pounds. I know what Al is going through. In the last year, I’ve gained 400 pounds. [ holds up a tiny pair of pants ]

The first season of “Felicity” is out on DVD this week. Fans who waited online for over 24 hours to buy the DVD didn’t really have to, because there were no lines.

An advertising company in London is using dogs to carry around ads. This makes London the only place in the world where you can see a McDonald’s ad sniffing a Wendy’s ad’s balls.

This week, NBC bought the Bravo Network, which may start airing reruns of their shows on the cable network. Hopefully, that will include this program, because you just don’t see enough “SNL” reruns on cable, do you?

Tina Fey: And now, joining us is our very own Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Tina. Well, it’s a special night for me – it’s my ten-year high school reunion tonight. Obviously, I can’t go, and I’m pretty disappointed because I’m on TV now, I have this awesome job, and, to be honest, I wasn’t that cool in high school.

Tina Fey: Wow. I find that really easy to believe.

Seth Meyers: Well, thank you, Tina.. but it’s true. Anyway, since I can’t go, I thought it would be nice if I had the chance to have my half of the conversations I would have had if I had been there. So.. here goes.

[ dance lights appear behind Seth, as “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” plays in the background ]

Hey, what’s going on, Nelson! Good to see you, man! Alright, looking good! Hey, anybody know if Megan LaRocca’s coming? You know her – super hot, used to ignore me? Alright, cool. Yeah, yeah, no thanks, man, I’m not drinking tonight! Hey! Hey, man, how’s it going! Am I still gay? I never was gay. Everybody? Who’s everybody? Two Amstel Lites, please.

[ “I Like Big Butts” plays in the background ]

Hiiii! Well, if it isn’t glory boy quarterback Doug Stradley! Good to see you, man. Yeah, I guess I’m doing okay – I’m on TV now! [ twists his arm behind his back ] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Come on! Ow! [ knocks his hand into his head ] I’m not hitting myself! You’re making me hit myself! I’m not gonna say that! Because I’m twenty-eight years- I’m a girl! I’m a girl! Gimme a shot of Jaeger. Hey, is Megan LaRocca coming or not?! What can I say, man? SNL’s a crazy life. I mean, it’s really long hours, and there’s so much pressure.. What do you do? Brain surgeon? Right. So you know what I’m talking about.. I’ll take a bottle of Chiviz with a straw!

[ “Unbelievable” plays in the background ]

Whooooo!! I love this song! Whoo! Yeah, huh? Yeah, huh? Yeah, Tina Fey’s amazing! We hang out all the time!

[ Tina Fey leans into frame to wave her hands to deny Seth’s statement ]

Seth Meyers: Whoo! Alright, whoo! Go Blue Knights! Alright, whoo! Hey, has anyone seen Megan LaRocca?! I am trying to hook up with Megan LaRocca because I’m on TV! Hey! Get off me, dude!

[ soft song begins to play ]

Dad..? I need you to come pick me up..? No, the football team has my shoes.. and I have a little bit of throw-up on me! Yeah.. I know “MadTV” is on.. I don’t know, tape it! You signed a SAC contract with me! Honor it! Honor the contract! Megan LaRocca? I never stopped thinking about you! Wow.. you’re as big as a house.. I’m on TV.. and, yes.. I would love to do it with you..

Happy ten-year West High!

Tina Fey: Seth Meyers, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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