Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
The Royal Scandal
C-Span Voiceover…..Jim Downey
Paul Burrell…..Seth Meyers
Maria Burrell…..Rachel Dratch
[ SUPER: “Coming up: Scandal continues to rock the British Royal Family” ]
C-Span Voiceover: Moments from now, Mr. Paul Burrell, Princess Diana’s former butler, will appraoching the podium in front of us. He’ll be reading a statement addressing his trial and.. the more recent allegations of his homosexual affair with an Australian antiques dealer. Here he is now. Mr. Burrell is approaching the podium, and, at his side, is.. his “wife” Maria.
[ Paul Burrell stands in front of his podium looking rather foppish, his stone-faced ife Maria standing quietly beside him ]
Paul Burrell: Before all of this, we were a happy, normal family, just getting on with our lives. We’ve been to Hell and back, and no one, to this day, has said, “I’m sorry.” I would like to thank my wife Maria, for her restraint and dignity throughout this whole charade. Her ability to support me has been positively mascu-lean. Excuse me.
C-Span Voiceover: Burrell is wearing a dark Savile row suit.
Paul Burrell: I’ve been particularly appalled by the way the media has tried to tarnish my reputation with rumors of homosexual affairs. Excuse me. [ pauses to take a sip of water ]
C-Span Voiceover: In his lapel, he wears a red orchid.
Paul Burrell: What Greg Peed and I had was the same, normal heterosexual relationship that you would expect any butler and antiques dealer to have.
C-Span Voiceover: His tie is orange, with pink teal and yellow stripes trimmed in Ocher. Hmm..
Paul Burrell: I feel that this whole escapade might draw attention away from the Diana I remember: elegant, graceful, sensational.
C-Span Voiceover: Burrell’s “wife”, Maria, is wearing a pinstripe suit, kind of like what a dude would wear.
Paul Burrell: I, myself, will never forget where I was that fateful night. I was at a dance club – Crystal Waters was booming – when all came to a sudden halt! Through the sound system we heard Twilanda saying, “Girls, she’s gone.. the princess is gone, y’all..” [ fights to suppress a tear ]
Maria Burrell: [ snapping ] Come on, Paul! For Heaven’s sake! Pull yourself together!
Paul Burrell: The disco bal kept turning that night,.. but the world, for me, came to a stop!
C-Span Voiceover: Among Burrell’s many responsibilities, one was to pick out sizzling, dynamite, entrance-making gowns for the princess. Pretty gay, right?
Paul Burrell: So, in conclusion, I look forward to the day I can return to a normal life, with my lovely wife.
C-Span Voiceover: Sure, you do.
Paul Burrell: Thank you for your time.