Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Moore…..Jeff Richards
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
Barbra Streisand…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on “Donahue” show on MSNBC ]
[ dissolve to Phil Donahue in his studio, with SUPER: “Is Liberalism Dead?” ]
Phil Donahue: Good evening. Well, the midterm elections have come and gone! And, let’s be honest here – it was a huge win for Republicans. The economy may be in shambles, but our president had the answer: “Let’s invade Iraq!” And, ohhhh booooyy, did we bite! No debate! no dissent! It was “Rally ’round the flag, boys, in my country, right or wrong, and I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy, and mom and dad and apple pie, and Tippecanoe and Tyler, too, and we’re the toughest kid on the block, and I see London, I see France, and milk, milk, lemonade, the other side’s where fudge comes out!” And, meanwhile.. our seniors are eating paper towels.. because they can’t afford prescription drugs! More kids were shot in our schools last year than all the schools in Spain, and tonight 4% of of our fellow Americans.. are.. in.. prison. Michael Moore is with us!
Michael Moore: Hi, Phil.
Phil Donahue: He’s a best-selling author, political activist and filmmaker, whose most recent work is “Bowling For Columbine”. Michael, you saw the election results. Americans are moving to the right! And they want us liberals to just shut up and stop spoiling all the fun!
Michael Moore: I don’t know about that..
Phil Donahue: I mean, we are the ants of the picnic. We are the rain on the parade. We are the you-know-what in the punchbowl.
Michael Moore: Not true!
Phil Donahue: Ohhh, let’s face it – we’re one huge bummer! Phil Donahue, that peace intellectualist.
Michael Moore: Nobody things that!
Phil Donahue: And Michael Moore, the scruffy, unwashed, sweatyy, overweight rabble-rouser. I mean, people just don’t like us much.
Michael Moore: I don’t know.. I think people like me.. and.. and, for the record, I.. I do bathe..
Phil Donahue: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! How often?
Michael Moore: Uh.. it varies, uh.. about every ten days or so.. But, this election..
Phil Donahue: Its just a shower? Or a bath? Or..?
Michael Moore: A Mexican shower.
Phil Donahue: And, for our viewers, a Mexian shower is?
Michael Moore: Uh.. I stand over the sink and wash my face and armpits, uh.. But, about last week’s election – you had..
Phil Donahue: And after your Mexican shower, do you put on clean clothes, or the dirty clothes you had on.
Michael Moore: The clothes I had on.
Phil Donahue: Uh-huh. And do you ever wash your clothes?
Michael Moore: Well, uh.. every year or so, I go up another size and I get new clothes, so I.. I never really have to.
Phil Donahue: I see.
Michael Moore: But, Phil, I don’t think the American people care about our hygiene. They came to hear our ideas..
Phil Donahue: Alright, then, let me show you a very disturbing statistic. These are the three lowest rated shows on prime-time cable. Do we have that? [ graphic of ratings appears ] And, sadly, here we are, this show, the second lowest rated, with slightly more viewers than “Eye Surgery with Dr. Elliot Ladell”, but still less than “The Black Israelites”.
Michael Moore: Wow..
Phil Donahue: And, for our viewers, I should point out that this show is actually less than the margin of error in the ratings system itself!
Michael Moore: Thank God.
Phil Donahue: In other words, there is no real evidence that anyone watches this show! Not enough one person! And that tells me that Americans have heard the progressive message, and they’re.. just.. not.. buying. Rev. Sharpton, are you there!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Hello, Phil.
Phil Donahue: I’m sure our audience needs no introduction to the Rev. Al Sharpton. Reverend, you’ve seen the ratings, and I’m sure you’ll agree that this show has essentially no audience! What do you make of that?
Rev. Al Sharpton: People don’t like you!
Phil Donahue: Alright, Reverend, I want to continue with that, right after this word from the people who pay the bills! We’ll be back.
[ show graphic: “Advertise Your Product Here: 212-555-0189” ]
[ dissolve back to “Donahue” ]
Phil Donahue: I am more than a little proud.. to say we have been joined, from her home in Malibu, by my good friend, the beautiful and ageless Barbra Streisand.
[ show a blurry Barbra Streisand via satellite ]
Barbra Streisand: Hi, Phil.
Phil Donahue: Our viewers will be interested to know it was from Ms. Streisand’s web site that we first learned 40% of our fellow Americans are in prison, and.. I thank you.
Barbra Streisand: Actually, Phil, I’m told those numbers are inaccurate, sowe’re.. we’re fixing that.
Phil Donahue: You know, when I first saw 40%, it did seem high. That would be about 120 million people, and I doubt there’s that many Americans in prison by now.
Barbra Streisand: I said we’re correcting it, what do you want from me!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, actually, Phil, if anything, those numbers are too low.
Barbra Streisand: Well, if you’re sure, Al, I’ll just leave it as is.
Phil Donahue: In the meantime, Barbra, how do you interpret the ratings for this show?
Barbra Streisand: [ quickly ] People don’t enjoy watching you.
Phil Donahue: Uh-huh?
Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. uh.. Phil, could I say something?
Phil Donahue: Rev. Sharpton, hang on! I promise, we’re gonna get back to you! right after this!
[ dissolve to promo showing Donahue running through a practically-empty studio filled only with a couple of derelicts ]
Announcer: Monday on “Donahue”: Phil goes on the road to Kansas City for a town meeting you don’t want to miss. Kids, guns, and cugarettes. “Donahue”. This Monday.[ dissolve back to “Donahue” ]
Phil Donahue: Rev. Sharpton, you had a point. Quickly, we’re almost out of time!
Uh.. people don’t like you!
Phil Donahue: Anything else?
Rev. Al Sharpton: No. That’s it.
Phil Donahue: Final comments? Anyone?
[ none ]
Phil Donahue: Alllllright. As always, a spirited discussion. Thnks to our guests. Keep watching. “Hardball” is next!
[ fade out ]