Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
[ show images of “Jonah” and “Daniel and the Lions” ]
Announcer: It’s an all-new collection of inspirational stories, from your favorite foods of faith.. “The Religetables”.
[ show Religetables graphic ]
[ show scene from story “Jesus and the Lepers”, as Religetable Jesus heals a smooshed vegetable into ripeness ]
Religetables: [ singing ]
“We’re the Religetables!
We always go to church!
It’s a spirit we will
We are the Religetables
We never touch ourself
‘Cause we don’t want to go to Helllllll!”
[ show ear of corn sitting on the toilet jerking off as he ogles Huskler magazine, only to end up on a fiery barbecue pit in Hell ]
Announcer: You’ll get brand new historical tales for the entire family, revealing the awesome power of religion.
[ show scene from “Why Do I Have To Be Circumsized?”, as baby potato has a slice of his peel removed ]
Announcer: Including: The Crusades.
[ show scene from “Holy Crusades” ]
Tomato: “Deus lo volt
God wills it! God wills it!”
Servants: “This war is hope
So we’ll turn the non-believers
[ Avocado Christians are mashed into guacamole ]
Announcer: And the Religetables’ Salem Witch Trials.
[ show scene from “Which Way To Salem?”, as Carrot stands with noose around her neck as Broccoli and Yam dance nearby ]
Carrot: I know I must die.. but by my own innocent-
Broccoli & Yam: [ singing ]
“God has a hitch
To right the witch
Without a hitch.
We’ll watch her twitch
And then we’ll pitch
her in a ditch
And it’s a cinch..!”
Broccoli: That doesn’t rhyme.
Announcer: And a contemporary tale with a multi-cultural flair.
[ show scene from “Hamfi’s Dream”, as a harem of radishes surround the tomato lord ]
Hamfi: [ singing ] “70 virgins..”
Radish Harem: “Are we.. 70 virgins..”
[ Hamfi awakens from his dream, attaches a food processor to himself, and runs around the villarge chopping and dicing vegetable peasants ]
[ cut to breaking news, as Broccoli News Anchor airs footage of a cucumber priest addressing a crowd ]
Broccoli News Anchor: This a Religetables special report. We are looking at a live press conference in Denver, where Father Raphael Walsh is resigning his post, after confessing to sexual abuse. Father Walsh is admitting to having molested at least six gherkins, between the years 1987 and 1996. Father Walsh also admitted to fondling an adolescent mushroom. We now rejoin the scheduled program.
[ cut back to the advertisement ]
[ show scene from “Why Is There Armageddon?”, as a Tomato sits on a slicer in the pits of Hell ]
Tomato: “Armageddon’s finally here!”
[ the tomato is sliced ]
Asparagus: [ running past ] “Arm-a-gettin’ outta here!”
[ pan to reveal can of V-8 leaking into the pits to simulate lava ]
Announcer: The new Religetables. Perfect for Christmas and Halloween!
[ fade ]