Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Announcer: It’s an all-new collection of inspirational stories, from your favorite foods of faith.. “The Religetables”.[ show Religetables graphic ] [ show scene from story “Jesus and the Lepers”, as Religetable Jesus heals a smooshed vegetable into ripeness ]
Religetables: [ singing ]“We’re the Religetables!
We always go to church!
It’s a spirit we will
We are the Religetables
We never touch ourself
‘Cause we don’t want to go to Helllllll!”
Announcer: You’ll get brand new historical tales for the entire family, revealing the awesome power of religion.
Announcer: Including: The Crusades.[ show scene from “Holy Crusades” ]
Tomato: “Deus lo volt
God wills it! God wills it!”
Servants: “This war is hope
So we’ll turn the non-believers
Announcer: And the Religetables’ Salem Witch Trials.[ show scene from “Which Way To Salem?”, as Carrot stands with noose around her neck as Broccoli and Yam dance nearby ]
Carrot: I know I must die.. but by my own innocent-
Broccoli & Yam: [ singing ]“God has a hitch
To right the witch
Without a hitch.
We’ll watch her twitch
And then we’ll pitch
her in a ditch
And it’s a cinch..!”
Broccoli: That doesn’t rhyme.
Announcer: And a contemporary tale with a multi-cultural flair.
Hamfi: [ singing ] “70 virgins..”
Radish Harem: “Are we.. 70 virgins..”[ Hamfi awakens from his dream, attaches a food processor to himself, and runs around the villarge chopping and dicing vegetable peasants ] [ cut to breaking news, as Broccoli News Anchor airs footage of a cucumber priest addressing a crowd ]
Broccoli News Anchor: This a Religetables special report. We are looking at a live press conference in Denver, where Father Raphael Walsh is resigning his post, after confessing to sexual abuse. Father Walsh is admitting to having molested at least six gherkins, between the years 1987 and 1996. Father Walsh also admitted to fondling an adolescent mushroom. We now rejoin the scheduled program.
Tomato: “Armageddon’s finally here!”[ the tomato is sliced ]
Asparagus: [ running past ] “Arm-a-gettin’ outta here!”[ pan to reveal can of V-8 leaking into the pits to simulate lava ]
Announcer: The new Religetables. Perfect for Christmas and Halloween!