Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
D.J. Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers
Jarret: What’s up Everybody it’s me Jarret, Coming to you live from the hall here at Hampshire College. I am so phsyched about my first place finish in the Halloween custome contest. I beat out twelve Martha Stewart’s, three Enron executives, And a 300 pound Asian Frodo Baggins. They were no match for my lead singer of the Counting Crows, Adam Duritz impression. The albino version (singing) Round Here. We have a great show tonight, so give it up for D.J. Jonathan Feinstein. (DJ plays an 80’s selection on keyboard) Dude, what the hell are you doing.
D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: Retro dude, remember the 80’s? Well they’re totally back.
Jarret: Remember the 80’s? What year were you born.
D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: (hseitant) ’84.
Jarret: So which part of the ’80’s are you remembering? The part where you learned to walk, or the part where you stopped eating lunch out of your mom’s boob?
D.J. Jonathan Feinstein: What you talkin’ about, Jarret?
Jarret: Also, please welcome my best friend and roommate, the guy who once made a bong out of another bong, Gobi.
Gobi: (singing) Turkey Bong, Get It On, Turkey Bong Happy Thankgiving!!!!
Jarret: Wow! Gobi that’s a nice pilgrim costume, dude.
Gobi: What! Pilgrim costume?
Gobi: I was trying to dress like the dude from Blues Travelar. (Plays harmonica)
Jarret: Pretty good, Dude.
Gobi: Pretty good, right. Dude, you want Turkey Pot Pie?
Jarret: Yeah sure dude.
Gobi: Turkey POT pie! Ha ha ha (pie has pot on it)
Jarret: No thanks man. (Gobi takes a bite) You gotta watch out for Gobi, when he gets around a kitchen he’s nuts. I once went to Thanksgiving dinner at his house and by the time I woke up they were having Christmas dinner.
Gobi: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Jarret: It wasn’t that funny.
Gobi: No it’s not that, I just got the other one – Turkey POT pie. Ha HA HA HA because there’s pot in there and it’s in a pie.
Jarret: It’s your joke.
Gobi: Yeah! It’s a good one, too.
Jarret: Well a lot of people think Thanksgiving is all about turkey and pilgrims and all that stuff, but to me it’s all about stopping to give thanks for all we cherish in life. I for one am thankful for this picture I found of Gobi from his senoir year in high school.
(picture of Gobi as a geek winning on “Jeopardy” is shown)
Together: Ha ha ha ha!
Gobi: Dude that dude’s a dork. Ha ha ha!
Jarret: That’s you.
Gobi: Oh Man!
Jarret: Well our first guest is trying to be the first student in Hampshire College history to graduate in four years, but to do it she needs to take fourteen classes this semester. Normally, I would find that kind of determination kind of hot, but the steady diet of coffee and No Doze has driven her completely insane. Please welcome Holly, everyone.
Holly: Hey Jarret!
(D.J. plays in her to synth version of “Take On Me”)
Jarret: Thanks for coming.
Holly: Thanks for having me. This is your room? It’s so much bigger than mine. Holy moly. Are people watching this right now? Do you have any vitamins, I really need some vitamins, Hey Gobi.
Gobi: How are ya?
Holly: That’s a great Blues Travelar outfit. I really like that.
Gobi: I told you. (plays harmonica)
Jarret: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Holly: Oh my god! Oh my god! I am so stressed out right now I could use you guys is it safe to stay up for sixteen straight days in a row. I don’t know, I mean I feel totally fine, but do you think it’s ok.
(Holly’s heart starts beating loudly)
Jarret: Hold on! Is that your heart beating?
Holly: Yeah! Yes it’s really loud isn’t it. Is it really bright in here.
(beating of her heart stops)
Jarret: I, I think it stopped. Hey, Hey!
Holly: (takes a drink) Thats better.
Jarret: Holly, you gotta calm down.
Holly: I totally, totally agree. Oh I almost forgot – a bunch of us are going down to Safeway to protest the barbaric blood drenched ritual known as Thanksgiving. Do you wanna come?
Jarret: Protest Thanksgiving?
Holly: We will not stop untill we free everyone of our feathered brotherans, or as we like to call them, featheran. Meat is murder, Jarret.
Jarret: Holly, you work at Chili’s.
Holly: Yes, I do happen to be employed, but alright hold on (takes a drink) I happen to be employed by the Chili’s foundation, ok and coorperation but that’s it.
Jarret: (singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back
Gobi: (singing) Chili’s Baby Back Ribs
Jarret: Barbeque sauce.
Holly: They think they’re N Sync.
Jarret: Alright that’s all the time we have for today. D.J. Jonathan Feinstein take us out.
(D.J. plays “Cars” on keyboard)
Submitted by: Charles Spivey