Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin
Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
Anna Kournikova…..Brittany Murphy
Serena Williams…..Dean Edwards
Venus Williams…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!
Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi, I’m Scott Joplin, the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love women’s tennis. That’s why I host this show every week. This week, I’m especially excited, because I have with me three of the premier players on the women’s circuit today. Please welcome Anna Kournikova, and Venus and Serena Williams. [ plays piano as the female tennis stars enter and sit ] Well, hello! It’s great to have you wih me, ladies. Let’s start with you, Anna. Now, ?? nationally famous for your good looks?
Anna Kournikova: I feel so ?? It’s not ?? Uh.. it’s painful that people would rather talk about the way I look, than the way I play tennis.
Scott Joplin: Maybe it would be easier to talk about your tennis if you weren’t so bad. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Serena? You’re a beautiful girl.
Serena Williams: Thank you, Scott!
Scott Joplin: You, too, Venus.
Venus Williams: You’re sweet!
Scott Joplin: Do people talk about your tennis, or your looks?
Serena Williams: [ thinking ] I’d say.. mostly our looks.
Venus Williams: Definitely our tennis!
Scott Joplin: Maybe that’s because you rank #1 and #2 in the world, not #45, like Britney Spears over here. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Anna? How many major tournaments have you won in your professional career?
Anna Kournikova: [ defensive ] Where are you going with this, Scott?
Venus Williams: Just answer the question!
Anna Kournikova: Okay, then! Well, none, major!
Scott Joplin: And, yet, you make tens of millions in endorsements.
Anna Kournikova: Listen, I don’t really want..
Venus Williams: You make an obscene amount of money, girl!
Anna Kournikova: So do you, Venus!
Scott Joplin: Yes, but Venus wins tournaments. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]
Anna Kournikova: I don’t think it’s fair that you travel in time just to be mean to me!
Scott Joplin: Look, I didn’t travel in time to be mean to you, sweetheart. I travel in time to talk about women’s tennis. But I find myself sitting here with two champions, and one overexposed calendar girl with no second serve. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]
Anna Kournikova: Scott Joplin, you’re mean! I don’t make fun of your antiquated music!
Scott Joplin: Antiquated?
Anna Kournikova: Yes!
Scott Joplin: That’s a big word, Russian Barbie! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling Scott Joplin.