SNL Transcripts: Brittany Murphy: 11/16/02: Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
Anna Kournikova…..Brittany Murphy
Serena Williams…..Dean Edwards
Venus Williams…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi, I’m Scott Joplin, the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love women’s tennis. That’s why I host this show every week. This week, I’m especially excited, because I have with me three of the premier players on the women’s circuit today. Please welcome Anna Kournikova, and Venus and Serena Williams. [ plays piano as the female tennis stars enter and sit ] Well, hello! It’s great to have you wih me, ladies. Let’s start with you, Anna. Now, ?? nationally famous for your good looks?

Anna Kournikova: I feel so ?? It’s not ?? Uh.. it’s painful that people would rather talk about the way I look, than the way I play tennis.

Scott Joplin: Maybe it would be easier to talk about your tennis if you weren’t so bad. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Serena? You’re a beautiful girl.

Serena Williams: Thank you, Scott!

Scott Joplin: You, too, Venus.

Venus Williams: You’re sweet!

Scott Joplin: Do people talk about your tennis, or your looks?

Serena Williams: [ thinking ] I’d say.. mostly our looks.

Venus Williams: Definitely our tennis!

Scott Joplin: Maybe that’s because you rank #1 and #2 in the world, not #45, like Britney Spears over here. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Anna? How many major tournaments have you won in your professional career?

Anna Kournikova: [ defensive ] Where are you going with this, Scott?

Venus Williams: Just answer the question!

Anna Kournikova: Okay, then! Well, none, major!

Scott Joplin: And, yet, you make tens of millions in endorsements.

Anna Kournikova: Listen, I don’t really want..

Venus Williams: You make an obscene amount of money, girl!

Anna Kournikova: So do you, Venus!

Scott Joplin: Yes, but Venus wins tournaments. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Anna Kournikova: I don’t think it’s fair that you travel in time just to be mean to me!

Scott Joplin: Look, I didn’t travel in time to be mean to you, sweetheart. I travel in time to talk about women’s tennis. But I find myself sitting here with two champions, and one overexposed calendar girl with no second serve. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Anna Kournikova: Scott Joplin, you’re mean! I don’t make fun of your antiquated music!

Scott Joplin: Antiquated?

Anna Kournikova: Yes!

Scott Joplin: That’s a big word, Russian Barbie! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling Scott Joplin.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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