Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
The Leatherman…..Jimmy Fallon
Choo Choo…..Horatio Sanz
Female Customer…..Brittany Murphy
(Open on The Leatherman Store)
(Female Customer walks in)
Leatherman: Welcome to the Leatherman.
Female Customer: Let me guess, you are the Leatherman.
Leatherman: Good guess! Can I get you into some leather?
Female Customer: Well, these are kinda nice, fabulous actually. Um are they snakeskin.
(Leatherman’s leather squeaks as he walks toward the customer.)
Leatherman: Not just any kind of snake. Those are made from genuine diamondback rattle snake. Bred right here on thr premises in our shop.
(Leatherman shows the customer the snakes)
Female Customer: Oh! Whew! Those are some snakes.
Leatherman: Nothing sexier than a pair of capri pants made of rattlesnakes.
Female Customer: Oh Yeah! Let me try on a pair.
Leatherman: Choo Choo!
(Leatherman’s assistant Choo Choo runs out covered in leather.)
Leatherman: Choo Choo, This fine lady would like to try on a pair of rattler capris. Let’s see, you look like a petite two.
Choo Choo: I’d like to pet tit, too!
Leatherman: Choo Choo!! (Leatherman whips Choo Choo)
Choo Choo: (screams) Why did I give him that whip for his birthday?
Leatherman: Always treat the customers with…. (Fallon breaks character, cracking up apparently over nothing)
Choo Choo: (Sanz improvising) Makes no sense, really.
Leatherman: Always treat the customers with dignity and respect. Especially ladies that look like they (leather squeaks loudly) in all the right places. Now get back to work. (Leatherman whips Choo Choo)
Choo Choo: (Screams) Good whip, Boss.
Leatherman: I knew it was. Right this way! (escorts customer to dressing room) I can’t wait ’til they’re covered in leather.
(Choo Choo hands the customer a pair of leather pants)
Leatherman: There you go! Thanks, Choo Choo!
(Customer enters dressing room and tries on pants)
Leatherman: Snakeskin’s like a second skin. Feel free to use that rosin powder and towel and help yourself get into the leather. Yeah! That’ll be nice. Did they get on nice?
Female Customer: (steps out) How do they look.
Leatherman: The snakeiest! You look sleek and ready to strike. These are genuine sidewinder rattles on the bottom of these cuffs.
Female Customer: I can’t feel my legs.
Leatherman: There are trace amounts of venom still on the snakeskin. But you fell fashionably numb. Now walk for me, walk for the leather.
(Customer starts walking as the leather squeaks)
Female Customer: Leatherman! Maybe leather isn’t right for me.
Leatherman: You are talking to the wrong person. I don’t like leather, I love leather. There’s nothing better than shooting an animal, chopping off its head, stringing it up, stippin’ the skin from its carcass with a curved knife, boiling its hide, dipping it, treating it with chemicals, stretching it, and making it into a garment for a fine lady such as yourself.
Female Customer: Well, after you put it like that.. I’ll take it.
(Choo Choo runs out)
Choo Choo: Come here, Boss!
Leatherman: Can’t you see I’m with a customer.
(Choo Choo speaks incoherently, gets whipped)
Choo Choo: (screams) Boss! (speaks incoherently) Snake escaped!
Leatherman: Oh no! I’m sorry, honey, one of our boot snakes escaped. Choo Choo, fill the trap with live mice, we’ll get her back.
Female Customer: Oh my God! It’s right there.
Leatherman: There goes the snake! Choo Choo go in there and get it. (Choo Choo runs in a dressing room after the snake) Grab him by the head. Come on, come over here. (moves the customer) You’ll be safe.
(Choo Choo screams)
Leatherman: What happened!
Choo Choo: I got it, Boss! (Choo Choo holds up the rattle)
Leatherman: Choo Choo! That’s not the head, That’s the tail.
(Choo Choo screams, runs out of the dressing room as snake bites his penis)
Leatherman: Choo Choo! Choo Choo!
(Choo Choo screams and runs around the store knocking everything over.)
Leatherman: Let me call 911! They’ll take care of this. (flips top of cellphone, it squeaks; presses keypads, which also squeak like fine leather) Hello, Yeah I got a guy here that’s been bit by a big rattlesnake. At the Leatherman Shop on 515 Oak Street. Ok! I gotta do what? With my mouth? Thank you very much.
Choo Choo: Boss! What did he say.
Leatherman: I’m sorry, Choo Choo – looks like you’re gonna die.
(Choo Choo screams and runs around as the Leatherman whips him)
Submitted by: Charles Spivey