SNL Transcripts: Brittany Murphy: 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 6

02f: Brittany Murphy / Nelly

Brittany Murphy’s Monologue

…..Brittany Murphy
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Chris Kattan
…..Will Forte
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Don Pardo

Brittany Murphy: Wow! Thank you guys! Oh my! I am thrilled to be here. I just did this movie “8 Mile” with Eminem. But now I get to do this! I can’t believe this, I’ve been a fan of the show since I was a little kid. I even read a book about SNL and it was fascinating but what it didn’t tell you is that theres this whole East Coast/West Coast comedy war with the cast that I didn’t know anything about. Did you know, Tracy Morgan absolutely will not be in a scene with Chris Parnell.

Tracy Morgan: Na Na that’s just a fallacy right there. It ain’t even true. I’ll do a scene with anybody.

Brittany Murphy: So you and Parnell get along?

Tracy Morgan: No he’s a little bitch!

Chris Parnell: Who you callin’ a bitch, bitch!

Brittany Murphy: Please don’t, please. Ok apparently the cast members from California have a different style than those from New York City and Chicago.

Chris Parnell: Yeah! Our style is FUNNY!

Brittany Murphy: You guys, can you not do this right now, please?

Tracy Morgan: Please, please me and my crew will settle this right now. East Coast, regulate! (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, and Amy Poehler walk out)

Chris Parnell: West Coast, let’s do it! (Chris Kattan, Maya Rudolph, and Will Forte walk out)

Brittany Murphy: Ok, These are the rules. 45 seconds on the clock and a beat, bring in the beat. No swearin’ ’cause it’s live TV. Heads or Tails?

Tracy Morgan: Tails! (coin lands on heads) Ladies first! (Music starts)

Chris Parnell: (singing)
“They call me the Iceman cuz I bring the ice,
Lorne liked me so much he hired me twice
Representing the west coast LA, Ca
Grew up from the Groundlings,
These gangsters came to play
C.P., Lady Rudolph, CK2 and Will Forte
Were erupting like Vesuvious and you are just Pompeii.

I scratches my itches,
Makes the hosts my bitches
I was somewhere inside her, Ms. Wynona Ryder
Kirsten D., me, and Cameron D. had a three
There’s no askin’ or tellin’ what happened with Mr. Ian McKellan.
All those low ranked characters your tryin’ to push,
You play Brian Fellows, bitch I’m President Bush.”

Brittany Murphy: Oh! West coast not bad. East coast lets show ’em what you have.

Tracy Morgan: (singing)
“Let’s take it back to old school
I got the East coast, best school
I say if the West coast actin’ up we won’t be you friend.
Amy P. am I mellow, it’s all you what ya gonna do.”

Amy Poehler: Tracy, I’m not ready for this.

Tracy Morgan: Let’s go, rookie. You got one shot, one shot to blow.

Amy Poehler: (singing)
“Listen up. Here I come straight out the East coast sun,
Don’t let my size fool ya, just watch as I school you.
Represent UCB in the Improv Olympics,
My choices specific, my screenwork terrific,
My writing is tight, and bright, and prolific.
I givin’ viscious hits like Tony Soprano,
not cheap shiznick like Corky Romano.

I don’t read Q cards, I memorize my lines,
While you babies cry I ain’t wastin’ time.
So don’t be prolonged while you’re home watchin’ porn
I’m chilln’ in St. Barts with my pimp daddy Lorne.
Stop your foolin’, while I’m humorin’
My beat’s as heavy as two Laraine Newmans
Say my name Don Pardo!”


Brittany Murphy: Alright! Not bad! Check this! (singing)
I’ve had it with all the commotion,
So stop the emotion and turn your devotion
To me Ms. B. the host with the most you see in movies,
While you’re mocking me on late night TV.

From Girl Interrupted, to Freeway, to Clueless
I get paid for my work, You get paid to look foolish.
My movie “8 Mile” is doing so well what’s Eminem like,
I’ll never tell.

Yo,Yo So don’t forget it’s my name you know
The baddest, the maddest, the best host of the show.”

Brittany Murphy: Ok! Ok! Yeah! East Coast/West Coast the beef is formally over. We’ve got a great show tonight. Nelly is here with Kelly Rowland. So stick around, fools, will be right back.

Submitted by: Charles Spivey

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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