Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 6
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Liza Minnelli…..Maya Rudolph
David Gest…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
According to military analysts an invasion of Iraq by US forces could cost between 20 and 50 billion dollars. In order to offset those costs the Pentagon has announced that it will refer to the invasion as the Verizon Wireless Pizza Hut War on Iraq.
Michael Jackson was in court this week where he is allegedly being sued for cancelling two concerts. The plaintiffs lawyers wanted Jackson to answer questions but the joke was on them because when Michael took off his surgical mask he revealed that he didnt bring his mouth.
It was announced this Wednesday that the 2004 Democratic convention will be held in Boston. A Democratic spokesman said that he will appreciate it if no-one told Streisand (picture of Barbara Streisand appears).
Senate Majority Leader Tom Dashall criticized President Bush this Thursday for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden. Insiders say Dashall is just jealous because the Democrats finished behind Al Kyda in the Mid-term elections.
The Federal government have approved a Phillips Electronics Defibrillator, which is designed for use in the home. The Defibrillators can be purchased individually or in the convenient Dick Cheney 6-Pack.
Tina Fey: A new study reports that drinking 21 glasses of wine a week decreases your chance of getting Alysmus disease. Here with a comment is (reading card) ah oh no, really? (back to normal) Ok, Drunk Girl.
Drunk Girl: Ah hahahahahahaa Hi everybody.
Tina Fey: Hi.
Drunk Girl: (meanly) Hi Jimmy. I hate you. (getting more slurred as she goes on) I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I hate you! (talking normally) Hi Tina skinny little bitch.
Jimmy Fallon: Drunk girl come on, come on, lets talk about the study which shows that drinking 21 glasses of–
Drunk Girl: Jimmy, you wanna know why, JIMMY? You wanna know what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wannnow what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wannowhachu are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wannnnowachu are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: (joining all of it together in one muffled word) Doooyooowaannnnnnachurrrr?
Jimmy Fallon: No, no. I would say no.
Drunk Girl: Youre my boyfriend. Ah hahaha shut up Tina!!
Tina Fey: Well I didnt say anything!
Drunk Girl: Lets go Jimmy! This party is lame!
Tina Fey: Ok, please Drunk Girl talk about the study where drinking 21 glasses of wine a week improves your memory.
Drunk Girl: You know what? thats stupid. I drink 21 Long Island Ice Teas a night! And I cant remember anything! Except when I remember throwing up in my hand and not telling anyone and I remember a cop giving me my bra back
Tina Fey: Okay, its time for you to go. You gotta go.
Drunk Girl: Okay, let me just say one more thing. Live from New York its Saturday–
Tina Fey: We did that! We did that like an hour ago. (Drunk Girl starts crying) Alright, Drunk Girl everybody.
(Drunk Girl stops crying and begins laughing with happiness as she leaves)
Warner Brothers announce Tuesday that an illegal copy of the second Harry Potter appeared on the internet just days before its release in theatres. Even worse, apparently a book containing the entire story of the film came out 4 years ago.
This week Jennifer Lopez announced that she is engaged to Ben Affleck. It will be the third marriage for Lopez, the first for Affleck and the last for neither.
An Austrian ski resort is holding the ski world championship for blondes, in which blonde women will run down the slopes and then try to ski back up them.
Tina Fey: (ad-libbing) Cause theyre idiots theyre stupid
According to a new study Americans are now waiting longer to get married. Case and point; Little Richard.
This week Microsoft chairman Bill Gates pledged 100 million dollars to combat Aids in India. Gate said that looking back he cant even remember why Microsoft introduced Aids into India in the first place.
Tina Fey: Phil Collins, who hasnt released an album in 6 years has introduced his new single Cant stop loving you at this weeks Victoria Secrets Fashion Show.
Jimmy Fallon: No, no, no Tina thats not what I heard. (In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins begins to play) I heard that Victorias real secret is that she killed a dude, and Phil Collins witnessed it. So he set up this whole fashion thing, and its like to trick her and stuff (Tina and Jimmy nod and then the music stops)
Richard Gere and his long time love have wed. So congratulations to Richard and Nibbles (picture of Richard Gere and a hamster appear).
An Austrian designer is now selling exclusive chocolate bras for $100 each. They come in regular or with peanuts (a bump appears where a nipple is).
Tina Fey: VH1 has pulled the plug on the Liza Minnelli, David Gest reality show due to the fact that the couple failed to give enough access to the couples lives. Here now to explain what really happened is Liza Minnelli and David Gest.
Liza Minnelli: Hi!! Hi! (Liza and David awkwardly hug)
David Gest: Tina, Tina, Tina, thank you so much. Liza and I are delighted to be here. First of all, wed just like to say that we are totally willing to co-operate with VH1, and we are absolutely prepared to give them a dynamite, just a dynamite of a show. That would have been the most entertaining reality you have ever seen on television.
Liza Minnelli: Oh, you tell them cutie! Listen guys, we know reality okay? Because when I came out of the womb, somebody slapped me on the ass and Ive been in the public eye ever since. And Im Liza with a capital Z! Ha!
David Gest: Ok darling, ok
Liza Minnelli: I love you darling. You guys want reality? Reality is waking up in the loving arms of a manly, totally not gay, rugged, outdoorsy type man who will pinch your ass and say Honey, I am so hot for your woman body. Lets make babies the old fashion way.
David Gest: (whispering) Honey, we are supposed to be talking about the reality show.
Liza Minnelli: Oh yes, yes. Ive known a lot of different realities, for example going to bed in Los Angeles, and then waking up in Detroit! Moiety, Michigan facedown on the kitchen floor of a Mexican restaurant. Ha! You like that Tina?
David Gest: Okay, shut it, shut it!
Liza Minnelli: Okay dokey artichokey! Look at this face, this is a handsome man (singing) Why hello there Sailor
David Gest: Time to go dear, its time we go.
Liza Minnelli: Okay, I cant wait for our reality show. (singing) I want to be apart of it, reality
David Gest: Ok, alright, this is why I stopped the show! Turn the cameras off (getting on the desk) turn the cameras off!
Liza Minnelli: (singing) Reality is not a Mexican restaurant (Christopher jumps off the Weekend Update desk) Oh, alright!
Tina Fey: Liza Minnelli and David Gest everyone!
David Gest: (waking towards the camera) Turn the camera off!
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy throws the pencil and David keeps saying to turn the cameras off)
Submitted by: Roseanne S.