SNL Transcripts: Robert De Niro: 12/07/02


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

December 7th, 2002

Robert De Niro

Norah Jones

Harvey Kietel

  • Homeland Security Briefing

    Magenta threat level issued due to lewdly-named terrorist suspects.

    Recurring Characters: Tom Ridge.

  • Robert De Niro’s Monologue

    De Niro compares his experiences doing dramas and comedies.

  • McDonald’s Big N’ Tasty

    Excessive Big ‘N Tasty warnings for clueless fatties.

  • Thomas Jefferson Meets Sally Hemings

    Thomas Jefferon (De Niro) falls for slave Sally Hemings (Maya Rudolph).

  • Peter Pan Rehearsal

    Veteran actor (De Niro) annoys cast by handling production his way.

  • Santa Claus

    Working as Santa Claus, actor (De Niro) argues with wife (Maya Rudolph) playing elf.

  • U.N. Weapons Inspectors

    Weapons inspectors (De Niro, Jimmy Fallon) prove ineffective and gullible.

  • Judge Horace

    Judge Horace (Tracy Morgan) presides over fatty case with jive dialect.

  • Norah Jones performs “Don’t Know Why”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Whitney Houston (Maya Rudolph) & Bobby Brown (Tracy Morgan) visit the Update desk.

    Sylvia (Rachel Dratch) & Marty Feinblatt (Chris Kattan) on their ill-fated Disney cruise.

  • A Very Versace Chanukah

    Celebrities visit Donatella Versace’s (Maya Rudolph) Chanukah celebration.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne.

  • Used Car Salesman

    Used car salesman (De Niro) uses violence to make the hard sell.

  • Bedtime Story

    Leslie’s (Chris Kattan) dad (De Niro) tells horrifying story about his mother.

  • Norah Jones performs “Come Away With Me”

  • Channel 5 Late Night Movie

    General (De Niro) has bad ideas for stopping radioactive bear.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

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