02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones
Channel 5 Late Night Movie
General…..Robert De Niro
Flanking Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Flanking Officer #2…..Darrell Hammond
[ dissolve to main movei scene, science lab overlooking the city ]
[ General and his flanking officers enter lab ]
Announcer: We now rejoin tonight’s feature: “Radioactive Bear”.
General: What’s the situation, Professor?
Professor: Uh, General, it’s our worst fear – the bear, uh.. was exposed to nuclear waste, and grew a hundred times its normal size, and is destroying the city.
General: [ alarmed ] Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?
Professor: Yes! It’s a radioactive bear!
General: The military has to clean up another mess you scientists have made!
Flanking Officer #1: How should we proceed, General?
General: [ sighs ] We have to fight fire with fire!
Professor: [ confused ] You’re gonna set the bear on fire?
General: Of course not, that’s stupid! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!
Professor: What are you gonna do?
General: The only thing – the only sane thing. I’m gonna get a female bear, expose it to radiation, they’ll fall in love, and he’ll stop destroying the city!
Flanking Officer #2: That’s a brilliant idea, sir!
Flanking Officer #1: Genius!
General: Radiate the female bear!
Professor: [ uneasy ] I’m not so sure that that’s a, uh..
General: Haven’t you caused enough trouble, Professor?
Flanking Officer #1: [ pointing out window ] Ah, there goes the bear now!
General: Hmm.. she’s cute.[ Bear notices Female Bear, and quickly teaches her how to tear apart the city with him ]
General: Damn! I-I-I thought that would work!
Flanking Officer #2: [ helpful ] It must not be mating season.
General: I don’t want to have to resort to this, but it looks like violence begets violence.
Flanking Officer #1: We have to kill them.
General: I’m afraid so. And how do you kill two 900-foot bears?
Professor: [ sarcastic ] With bombs?
General: No. With a 900-foot hunter.
Professor: You have to be kidding!
General: I wish I had time to kid. Send in the hunter!
Flanking Officer #2: That’s an excellent idea, General![ 900-foot Hunter casually walks up to the bears and points a tiny gun at them ]
General: The radiation made him grow to be 900-foot tall. Unfortunately, his gun stayed the same size![ the bears pull Hunter’s left arm off, and proceed to beat him senseless with it ]
Flanking Officer #2: Oh, wow, they’re.. oh, my God! They’re beating him! That’s gotta smart!
Flanking Officer #1: I thought you had him that time!
General: [ sighs ] Me, too. And then again, I thought the girl bear would have worked, if only it was.. mating season..
Flanking Officer #2: You know what, I have an idea. What if we tricked the bear into thinking it was mating season?
General: You mean..
Flanking Officer #2: Yes! Give them radioactive Viagra!
General: [ feeling hopeful once again ] Bring it in, boys![ military personnel pass through room carrying giant blue Viagra tablet ]
Professor: Th-th-that’s crazy!
General: It’s so crazy.. it just might work! [ points out window ] Look! He’s eating the blue tablets!
Professor: [ vaguely interested ] Yeah?
General: They.. they seem to be working.
Professor: Right.[ immobilized, the bear ceases destroying the city ]
General: Uh.. the bears have stopped destroying the city..[ Hunter brings himself to his feet and leans against building, giving the Bear the perfect opportunity to sodomize him ]
General: Oh, my God! They’re going after the hunter! And he’s only got one arm, so he’s having a hard time defending himself!
Flanking Officer #2: [ enjoying the scene at play ] Boy, they’re really giving it to that guy!
Flanking Officer #1: It looks like it’s almost over, and.. yep! There’s the money shot! And.. they’re back to destroying the city.
Professor: Well, I hope you’re happy, General. You just keep making this situation worse and worse!
General: Hey, Doc – we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! Now, it’s time for Plan D.
Professor: Oh, you’re gonna drop bombs on them?
Flanking Officer #2: You don’t mean..?
General: You bet your ass, I do!
Professor: Oh, goodness..
General: Bring in the giant poison sandwich! That should take care of our problem!
Flanking Officer #1: That’s why you have four stars on your shoulder!
General: You’re darn tootin’! [ looks out window ] There’s the sandwich now![ helicopter lowers giant sandwich over the Bears’ heads, but the Hunter grabs for it instead, strickening himself with the poison and collapsing to the ground ]
General: Not you, dummy! Leave the sandwich alone, it’s not good!
Flanking Officer #1: Well, after the beating and the sex, I guess he was hungry.
Professor: Got any other bright ideas, General?
General: Nope! What about you guys?
Flanking Officer #2: No.
Flanking Officer #1: Nothing.
General: Well, I guess we’ll be going! Good luck, Professor!
Professor: Wait, wait, wait, where you going?! Where you going!
General: [ guffaws ] I’m not staying here! Those bears look angry![ General and his flanking officers exit the lab ]
Professor: Come back![ Professor turns his head toward camera, as the action zooms in on his screaming face ]
Professor: Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!! Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!![ fade ]