Channel 5 Late Night Movie


02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Channel 5 Late Night Movie

General…..Robert De Niro
Flanking Officer #1…..Chris Parnell
Flanking Officer #2…..Darrell Hammond
Scientist…..Jimmy Fallon
Hunter…..Will Forte

Announcer: We now rejoin tonight’s feature: “Radioactive Bear”.

[ dissolve to main movei scene, science lab overlooking the city ] [ General and his flanking officers enter lab ]

General: What’s the situation, Professor?

Professor: Uh, General, it’s our worst fear – the bear, uh.. was exposed to nuclear waste, and grew a hundred times its normal size, and is destroying the city.

General: [ alarmed ] Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?

Professor: Yes! It’s a radioactive bear!

[ show giant bear outside, tearing buildings apart with his bare hands ]

General: The military has to clean up another mess you scientists have made!

Flanking Officer #1: How should we proceed, General?

General: [ sighs ] We have to fight fire with fire!

Professor: [ confused ] You’re gonna set the bear on fire?

General: Of course not, that’s stupid! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!

Professor: What are you gonna do?

General: The only thing – the only sane thing. I’m gonna get a female bear, expose it to radiation, they’ll fall in love, and he’ll stop destroying the city!

Flanking Officer #2: That’s a brilliant idea, sir!

Flanking Officer #1: Genius!

General: Radiate the female bear!

Professor: [ uneasy ] I’m not so sure that that’s a, uh..

General: Haven’t you caused enough trouble, Professor?

Flanking Officer #1: [ pointing out window ] Ah, there goes the bear now!

General: Hmm.. she’s cute.

[ Bear notices Female Bear, and quickly teaches her how to tear apart the city with him ]

General: Damn! I-I-I thought that would work!

Flanking Officer #2: [ helpful ] It must not be mating season.

General: I don’t want to have to resort to this, but it looks like violence begets violence.

Flanking Officer #1: We have to kill them.

General: I’m afraid so. And how do you kill two 900-foot bears?

Professor: [ sarcastic ] With bombs?

General: No. With a 900-foot hunter.

Professor: You have to be kidding!

General: I wish I had time to kid. Send in the hunter!

Flanking Officer #2: That’s an excellent idea, General!

[ 900-foot Hunter casually walks up to the bears and points a tiny gun at them ]

General: The radiation made him grow to be 900-foot tall. Unfortunately, his gun stayed the same size!

[ the bears pull Hunter’s left arm off, and proceed to beat him senseless with it ]

Flanking Officer #2: Oh, wow, they’re.. oh, my God! They’re beating him! That’s gotta smart!

Flanking Officer #1: I thought you had him that time!

General: [ sighs ] Me, too. And then again, I thought the girl bear would have worked, if only it was.. mating season..

Flanking Officer #2: You know what, I have an idea. What if we tricked the bear into thinking it was mating season?

General: You mean..

Flanking Officer #2: Yes! Give them radioactive Viagra!

General: [ feeling hopeful once again ] Bring it in, boys!

[ military personnel pass through room carrying giant blue Viagra tablet ]

Professor: Th-th-that’s crazy!

General: It’s so crazy.. it just might work! [ points out window ] Look! He’s eating the blue tablets!

Professor: [ vaguely interested ] Yeah?

General: They.. they seem to be working.

Professor: Right.

[ immobilized, the bear ceases destroying the city ]

General: Uh.. the bears have stopped destroying the city..

[ Hunter brings himself to his feet and leans against building, giving the Bear the perfect opportunity to sodomize him ]

General: Oh, my God! They’re going after the hunter! And he’s only got one arm, so he’s having a hard time defending himself!

Flanking Officer #2: [ enjoying the scene at play ] Boy, they’re really giving it to that guy!

Flanking Officer #1: It looks like it’s almost over, and.. yep! There’s the money shot! And.. they’re back to destroying the city.

Professor: Well, I hope you’re happy, General. You just keep making this situation worse and worse!

General: Hey, Doc – we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! Now, it’s time for Plan D.

Professor: Oh, you’re gonna drop bombs on them?

General: No!

Flanking Officer #2: You don’t mean..?

General: You bet your ass, I do!

Professor: Oh, goodness..

General: Bring in the giant poison sandwich! That should take care of our problem!

Flanking Officer #1: That’s why you have four stars on your shoulder!

General: You’re darn tootin’! [ looks out window ] There’s the sandwich now!

[ helicopter lowers giant sandwich over the Bears’ heads, but the Hunter grabs for it instead, strickening himself with the poison and collapsing to the ground ]

General: Not you, dummy! Leave the sandwich alone, it’s not good!

Flanking Officer #1: Well, after the beating and the sex, I guess he was hungry.

Professor: Got any other bright ideas, General?

General: Nope! What about you guys?

Flanking Officer #2: No.

Flanking Officer #1: Nothing.

General: Well, I guess we’ll be going! Good luck, Professor!

Professor: Wait, wait, wait, where you going?! Where you going!

General: [ guffaws ] I’m not staying here! Those bears look angry!

[ General and his flanking officers exit the lab ]

Professor: Come back!

[ Professor turns his head toward camera, as the action zooms in on his screaming face ]

Professor: Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!! Aaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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