Peter Pan Rehearsal
Wendy Actress…..Amy Poehler
John Actor…..Seth Meyers
Michael Actor…..Jeff Richards
Wesley Jamison…..Robert De Niro
[ open on exterior, marquee: “Peter Pan Opening Soon” ]
[ dissolve to interior, bedroom stage set ]
Director: Okay, people, listen up. Uh.. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The bad news is that our regular Peter Pan has come down with the flu and will not be joining us. [ the actors groan ] I know. The good news is that our replacement happens to be none other than.. Wesley Jamison! and, as you all know, he was one of the first actors in southwestern Michigan to play the part of Peter Pan, over thirty-five years ago!
Wendy Actress: Soooo.. that’s good?
Director: Oh, it’s- No! It’s great, it’s great, it’s great! Yeah.
[ Wesley Jaminson enters, wearing Peter Pan tights ]
Wesley Jamison: Uh.. I’m sorry I’m late. some Chinese guy gave me a lift here – I caught him eyeing my watch, and I had to rearrange his face for him.
Director: Okay. Mr. Jamison, it is a pleasure to meet you! Uh, actually.. you did not need to come in costume, we did have one for you.
Wesley Jamison: Uh.. okay, what’s your name?
Director: It’s, uh.. its.. it’s Tim.. Timothy.. you can call me Tim..
Wesley Jamison: Tim! I’ve been doing this for thirty-five years. I was fighting Captain Hook when you were still sucking boob. I don’t screw around! I know better than to squeeze into some weird pair of tights that every fruit from here to Flynt probably left his juices in! I’ll wear my own, if you don’t mind, thank you!
Director: Great! Fantastic!
Wesley Jamison: Good.
Director: I think that’s an incredible idea! It is an honor to have you here. Just to let you know, just to let you know – we’re about to rehearse the scene where you, Peter, teach Wendy, Michael and John, uh.. to think wonderful thoughts in order to fly!
Wesley Jamison: [ annoyed ] Yeah. I know the scene. What do I look like, an idiot? I’ve done this scene on everything from old-fashioned blow, to horse tranquilizers! I think it’s safe to say I know what I’m doing!
Director: Okay, great! Fantastic! We’re so.. we’re so – I’m so excited! Okay, okay.. places! Pla-ces! And.. we’re in Wendy’s room, annnnd.. whenever you’re ready. [ steps aside ]
Michael Actor: Hi! I’m Michael!
John Actor: And my name is John! How do you do?
Wesley Jamison: How you guys, doin’? Come on, Wendy – let’s go!
Michael Actor: Where are we going?
Wendy Actress: To Neverland!
Michael Actor: Neverland?!
Wendy Actress: Peter’s taking us!
Wesley Jamison: Yeah, we’re all goin’ to Neverland – let’s do this! Come on!
[ Tinkerbell prop flutters through the room; Wesley swats it to the ground in fear ]
Wesley Jamison: Aggghhhh!! What is that?! What the hell is it?! Get that OUT of here!! What is that?!
[ Director runs back into the scene to sort out the confusion ]
Director: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. we should have..
Wesley Jamison: Get that outta here! Get that OUTTA here, I will SUE you!!
Director: No-no-no need to do that! I should have told you – that’s our Tinkerbell. We don’t have to use that, if..
Wesley Jamison: Well, get it outta here!
Wesley Jamison: I like my Tinkerbells to be life-sized, with a nice.. rack!
Director: Okay. Great idea.
Wendy Actress: Um.. excuse me? But I don’t think Peter Pan is supposed to be smoking.
Wesley Jamison: Uh-huh. Guess what? I do a lot of things Peter Pan wouldn’t do. Like driving fine, imported Japanese sports cars.. or playing a guitar without shirt on.. or going downtown so long you won’t ever need to wax again!
Wendy Actress: [ disgusted ] Oh, my God.. that is so gross!
Director: [ alarmed ] Hey! This is Wesley Jamison, okay! you don’t talk like that to Wesley Jamison! I saw him do Pan in the parking lot of a Pep Boys in Grand Rapids, and it changed my life forever, okay! You show him some respect! Or this production is going nowhere! Okay?
Wesley Jamison: Thanks, thanks. I appreciate it.
Director: You’re welcome! Don’t worry about it. Um.. let’s pick this up where we left off, okay? Annnnd.. okay, okay.. and we’re going to Neverland! right? And, Debra..?
Wendy Actress: Downtown?
Director: Yeah, I know – don’t forget about downtown. Whenever you feel like it..
Wendy Actress: Okay. Okay.
Director: Wendy time.. Wendy time. Just go! [ steps aside ]
Wendy Actress: But, Peter! How do we get to Neverland?
Wesley Jamison: [ bored ] Fly.
John Actor: Fly?
Wesley Jamison: Yeah! Fly! What did I just say! Just think of a wonderful thought – come on, let’s go!
Wendy Actress: [ struggling ] Uh.. any happy little thought?
Wesley Jamison: Yeah. That’s what I said. What is it with you people? God!
Michael Actor: Like toys at Christmas? Sleigh bells? Snow?
Wesley Jamison: Yeah! Or like having a steamy three-way with some waitress and her mom in the men’s room at an IHOP!
John Actor: Um.. you know what, I don’t.. I don’t think that that’s, uh.. in the script.
Wesley Jamison: [ pissed ] What did you just say?!
John Actor: I said that, uh.. hey!
[ Jamison charges at John, and the Director has to jump in to end the scuffle ]
Wesley Jamison: Okay! You saw that! He came at me! I’ll sue him! I know people!
Director: Okay! I’m sure you know a lot of people!
Wesley Jamison: Where’s my cigarette?!
Director: Settle down! [ searches for the fallen cigarette ]
Wesley Jamison: [ reaches down to retrieve his cigarette ] Here it is, I got it! [ puts it back in his mouth ]
Director: Yeah, sure, okay..
Wesley Jamison: I hope you didn’t step on it.
Director: Okay. Okay.. Mr. Jamison.. uh.. we’re gonna get you know, into the rigging.. so we can see you fly off to Neverland with Wendy and the boys!
Wesley Jamison: Yeah, no, I’m not.. I’m not doin’ that!
Director: I’m sorry?
Wesley Jamison: The flyin’? I ain’t doin’ it. I got a bad back thing! You know, and, frankly, I think, you know, it comes off a little.. gay.
Director: Alright, but you’re.. you’re Peter Pan. Yuo fly. That’s what you do.
Wesley Jamison: Well, how about instead of flyin’, I just sort of walk around like this.. [ walks with arms flapping ] It’s like I’m flyin’ really low to the ground.. you know, you can’t tell the difference!
Director: You know what? Fantastic! You’re absolutely right, I am wrong! Fantastic! Great.. I think that’s great. And, can I just say, right now.. that I feel.. like this is gonna be the best Pan in southwestern Michigan history!
[ dissolve to exterior, marquee: “Peter Pan Opens Tonight” ]
[ dissolve to interior, bedroom stage set; Wesley Jamison is still portraying Peter Pan with a cigarette in his mouth ]
Wesley Jamison: Here I go, watch me fly! [ walks around the stage flapping his arms ]
Wendy Actress: He can fly!
John Actor: He can fly!
Michael Actor: Oh, Peter! You’re ever so queer!
Wesley Jamison: [ outraged ] What did you say to me, you little punk?!
[ Jamison enthralls the cast into yet another onstage scuffle ]
[ cut to Director beaming with pride backstage ]
Director: This is fantastic! This is fantastic!
[ Jamison retrieves his fallen cigarette, and the scuffle continues to fade ]