Homeland Security Briefing


02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Homeland Security Briefing

Tom Ridge…..Darrell Hammond
Craig Fenson…..Robert De Niro
Reporter #1……Maya Rudolph
Reporter #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Reporter #3…..Jeff Richards

Tom Ridge: Good afternoon! Before we begin today’s briefing, I wish to announce that, on the basis of change in the nature of Al-Queda chatter, we are changing the current threat level to Magenta. Let me repeat: the threat level is now.. Magenta. What is Magenta? It’s a darker maroon. It’s not quite an ox blood. It’s more plum color than.. say.. a crimson. How serious is it? [ sighs ] I honestly don’t have an answer for that. We’ll try to have that for you by early in the week. In any case, I’d like to introduce Craig Fenson, the new senior spokesman for the office of Homeland Security, and he’ll be happy to take your questions.

Craig Fenson: Good afternoon. In the past few weeks, through our national hotline, we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists, and I’m proud to say that most of the calls have come from high school and college students nationwide. In fact, we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man: M’Balz Es-Hari. We also received information on such nefarious terrorists such as Graabir Boubi, and Haid D’Salaami and.. let this be a message to you, Haid D’Salaami: we will not play your dangerous games We are also currently searching for a man we believe to be a Al Queda leutinant: Hous Bin Pharteen, his cousin I-Bin Pharteen, and their close companion I-Zheet M’Drurz. Question over there?

Reporter #1: Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?

Craig Fenson: Ah.. our operatives have picked up his scent. Also, according to our intelligence, he is targeting gas refineries, fertilizer plants, and, oddly enough, baked bean canneries. He is a silent, but deadly killer.

Reporter #2: What can you tell us about I-Zheet M’Drurz?

Craig Fenson: We’re told that, when he was fleeing the scene of his last attack, he left skidmarks. He is extremely dangerous. Our sources say that he is planning on attacking the New York City sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.

Reporter #3: Do you have any other names you’re willing to release?

Craig Fenson: Yes! Please call our hotline at once if you have any information on the following men: Shaif Hirboush.. Al-Suq Akweer.. Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr. I hope I got that right! Awan Afuqya.. Yul Strokheet Al-Wauch.. Apul Madeek – who we believe will be targeting adult bookstores sometime in the near future. And this man, the notorious Yuliqa M’Diq, A.K.A. Uwana M’Diq, A.K.A. Usuqa M’Diq. Uh.. thank you, that is all, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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