Mall Santa…..Robert De Niro
Mall Elf…..Maya Rudolph
Larry Macy…..Chris Parnell
[ open on mall interior, Mall Santa Claus and his elf attracting the crowds ]
Mother: Hi! Can we see Santa!
Mall Santa: Certainly! Hello, young man! Jump up on Santa’s lap. What’s your name?
Mall Santa: Zack! Have you been a good boy this year, Zack?
Mall Santa: Good. Now, tell Santa what you want for Christmas, and he’ll get it for you!
Mall Elf: Ho ho ho, that’s a good one?[ Mall Santa stares at his elf for a second, then returns his attention to Zack ]
Mall Santa: Anything special you want this year, Zack?
Mall Elf: Oh, go ahead, ask him – he’s good at making promises.
Mall Santa: [ his patience wearing thin ] Okay.. okay.. that’s fine. You’ve had your say, so just.. alright? Okay?
Mall Elf: Alright.
Mall Santa: Okay, Zack, so what do you want Santa to bring you?
Mall Elf: Hey! Whatever you do, don’t ask him for a ring, Zack.
Mall Santa: Alright, alright, alright.. are you done there? Are you done? Come on. Huh?
Mall Elf: What? What’s wrong? What, I hit a nerve?
Mall Santa: Don’t push! Don’t push! I am warning you.. don’t push!
Mall Elf: I am so scared.
Mall Santa: You, what, you wanna be scared? You wanna be scared?
Mall Elf: Ha ha! big man! Big man!
Mall Santa: Do not! Hear me? Do not!
Mother: [ worried ] Excuse me, is something the matter here?
Mall Elf: No, no. Everything’s working out right according to plan. Being Santa in Willowbrook Mall is just a stepping stone for this guy. He’s going places! Yeah, he’s gonna be a big city Santa, and he can’t have a lot of com-MIT-ment holding him back!
Mall Santa: Hey, hey, hey. What did I say? What did I say?!
Mall Elf: Wha-at?
Mall Santa: You can’t keep nuthin’ private! Huh? What’s the matter with you? Huh?!
Mother: Uh.. look.. maybe we’ll just move along-
Mall Santa: No, no, no, no! We’re doing great! Right, Zack? Aren’t we doin’ great? Well, what do you want for Christmas, buddy?
Zack: Chicken Dance Elmo.
Mall Santa: Chicken Dance Elmo – that’s great. You know what’s even better? What’s a better gift? an environment of emotional maturity. ‘Cause, if you think stompin’ on other people’s dreams is gonna fix your problems, Zack, you’re always gonna be stuck in the same place – down on Route 3, dancing for truckers!
Mall Elf: Hey! Hey! Cage dancing! Alright?! And someone has to pay our rent eleven months of the year!
Mall Santa: That right?
Mall Elf: Yeah!
Mall Santa: Really?
Mall Elf: Yeah, really!
Zack: I wanna leave!
Mall Santa: No, no, no, Zack! You stay! You’re gettin’ an education! This is what happens when you let a woman keep a toothbrush at your place!
Mall Elf: Ha! Great!
Mall Santa: Look, why don’t you do me a favor, huh? [ holds up candy cane ] You take this thing, and why don’t you just stab me!
Mall Elf: Oh! Oh, don’t tempt me, Santa!
Mall Santa: Come on, come on – stab me!
Mall Elf: What?!
Mall Santa: Come on, this is what you want, isn’t it? This is what you want, so do it!
Mall Elf: No-o-o-o!
Mall Santa: Do it, do it – stab me!
Mall Elf: No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Mall Santa: What are you scared of?
Mall Elf: [ weeping ] I don’t want our son to be born without a father!
Mall Santa: [ shocked ] What?!
Mother: Oh.. uh, hey, uh.. congratulations!
Mall Elf: Oh, thank you!
Mother: Run, Zack, honey! Run! Run! Hurry![ Zack runs; Mother chases after him ]
Mall Santa: Baby! Baby! Why didn’t you tell me!
Mall Elf: [ crying ] I.. I.. I didn’t want to step on your dreams!
Mall Santa: [ ecstatic ] Come on.. get on Santa’s lap![ Mall Elf sits on Mall Santa’s lap, as Larry Macy enters scene and coughs to make his presence known ]
Larry Macy: Sorry to interrupt, but.. I saw what just happened, and.. I declare you to be the finest Santa I’ve ever seen! My card. [ hands his business card out ]
Mall Santa: [ reading card ] Larry Macy!
Mall Elf: Of Macy’s?
Larry Macy: [ humbly ] The same. I would like you to come to New York Cirty, and be my Santa Claus.
Mall Santa: Well.. Mr. Macy.. that’s very nice of you. But I couldn’t go without my.. wife-to-be.
Mall Elf: Oh.. Stan..
Larry Macy: Your loss. Nice meeting you. [ walks away, then re-enters scene after a beat ] Oh, what the heck! I guess I must be a big ol’ softie. You can bring her!
Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! Baby, what did I tell you? Merry Christmas!
Mall Elf: Merry Christmas![ music sweep: “Joy to The World” ] [ fade ]