Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


02g: Robert De Niro / Norah Jones

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Bobby Brown…..Tracy Morgan
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch
Marty…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Of the first major shake-up of the Bush administration, both treasury secretary Paul O’Neil and economic advisor Larry Lindsay were forced to resign. Lindsay cheered up upon knowing that his severance would be paid in hoagies.

One of the big toys this holiday season is a talking doll of President Bush that says 17 of his patriotic phrases. Actually its only one phrase, it just takes him 17 times to get it right.

NBC Sports announced that it will air the 2003 US National and World curling championships. So Merry Christmas ABC, CBS and Fox.

An armed gunman robbed a Subway sandwich shop in Manhattan Wednesday making out with $500.This is part of the new Jared subway diet where you go into a Subway a guy comes in with a gun and you crap your pants.

(There is a knock coming from somewhere)

Jimmy Fallon: Is that a knock… Tina, I think there’s someone at the Update door.

Tina Fey: Its probably poor people wanting money again.

(Tina opens the door and Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown walk in)

Tina Fey: Look Jimmy, its Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. (she sits down again)

Whitney Houston: Woo! Hi Tina, hi Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: What brings you two here?

Whitney Houston: After our interview with Diane Swoyer I haven’t been able to sleep.

Bobby Brown: Yeah, and I Haven’t been able to stop sweating.

Whitney Houston: So I said ‘Whitney, you and Bobby have to go get something straight’.

Bobby Brown: Yeah, cause I got to stop this sweating. Last night in bed I almost drowned.

Whitney Houston: Yes Jimmy, Tina, when I told Diane Swoyer ‘I didn’t do crack, crack is cheap, only poor people do crack‘, I didn’t mean that in a hurtful way. (wipes a tear) Some of my best friends are poor people.

Bobby Brown: Like me.

Whitney Houston: That’s right baby. What I meant to say was that as a parent, I would never do crack. I mean, you’ve seen our baby Tina.

Tina Fey: Yes I have.

Whitney Houston: You have? Where is she?

Bobby Brown: Yeah, where you been keeping her at?

Tina Fey: No, I meant I have seen her in the papers.

Whitney Houston: Oh, of course she’s in the papers. She is the most famous baby in R&B!

Bobby Brown: Yeah, uh huh. Baby I’m starting to get Bi-Polar…

Jimmy Fallon: My god man, you are sweating a lot!

Whitney Houston: Okay, Bobby needs his weed! Lets go, lets get you a joint. (they leave)

Tina Fey: Bobby and Whitney everybody! Bobby needs his weed.

During a lighting ceremony for the Whitehouse minor this week, President Bush does a classy job of faking interest. (shows picture of President Bush staring at someone lighting candles)

In an interview with Time magazine, Shania Twain said that she doesn’t care if she never performs again. This marks the first time Shania Twain and I have ever agreed on anything.

Pharmacologists have created a new drugs that take advantage of the beneficial effects of THC, which is found in marijuana. The details of their study will be released in a 17 minute guitar solo on the next Phish album.

Jimmy Fallon: See you next week Trey.

An Austrian electrician has created the worlds first robots that gives tattoos. However if its not set exactly right it becomes the worlds first incontrollable stabbing machine.

Jenna and Barbara Bush have celebrated their 21st birthday last week, with a party at the Cheer shot bar in Austin. Following Bush tradition, the drinking started at 5 pm and will end in 19 years.

Jimmy Fallon: According to the Hollywood reporters annual list, some of the most powerful people in Hollywood are Oprah Winfrey who is number 8, Julia Roberts, 12 and J.K Rowling, 64. Where were you Tina.

Tina Fey: 7,348th. Take that girl who played Winney Cooper on ‘The Wonder Years’

According to psychiatrists, during the first 3 years of ‘The Sopranos’ have influenced more Americans to enter therapy, while this season has influenced more Americans to become boring.

Tina Fey: (about Jimmy’s last joke) Uh Oh, what’s going on? (back to the audience) this week for the 4th time a cruise ship became infested with the Norwalk Virus causing hundreds of passengers to experience nausea, vomiting and intestinal stress. Here with a report is Weekend Updates travel correspondents Sylvia Feinblatt and her husband Marty.

Sylvia: Thank you Tina, its an honour to be here on the program. (talking normally while Marty eats some soup)

Tina Fey: So tell us about the cruise and your subsequent illness.

Sylvia: What’s to tell? Marty and I sign on for what we thought would be a nice cruise for thanksgiving. Bladi, bladi, blah its settled, we are on the adventures of the Caribbean in Miami. We bought it, its set.

Tina Fey: Ok, so when exactly did you start to feel sick?

Sylvia: Oh, I’ll tell you when I started to feel sick, Missy. Its when I saw the size of the cabin we were staying in. I tell you, I would have sprung for the extra 50 bucks a night if I had known that I was going to be shoved in that tiny cabin like a veal.

Marty: (briefly stops eating his soup) It was closet, small. (He continues eating)

Sylvia: And we paid for a room with a view. Argh! What view? All I could see was the ocean!

Marty: Far!!

Sylvia: Exactly!

Tina Fey: At what point did your stomach start to ache?

Sylvia: Oh, my stomach was fine. The only thing that made my stomach ache Missy ,was I entered the so called “Pride of Atlantis” lounge for shrimp cocktails and our pair of teeth’s! Argh! The calibre of people they allow on this cruise. The literature said ‘formal Wear’, there were people there in sneaker shoes, jean pants, and baseball cap hats! What!!

(Marty makes a strange noise, and Sylvia copies it)

Tina Fey: So after dinner you started to feel nauseas?

Sylvia: Oh no, I have an iron stomach. The only thing that made me nauseas was the next day, Marty and I were poolside– there aren’t enough lounge chairs!3000 people on this cruise, 60 lounge chairs!! 60, I counted, I counted! 60!

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry to interrupt, but it sounds like aside from your disappointment, you trip went pretty good, I mean, we were lucky. You were the only two people who went on your cruise who didn’t get the Norwalk Virus.

(Sylvia vomits on the desk)

Sylvia: I guess its just kicking in.

Marty: Oh jeez…

Tina Fey: Ok, the Feinblatt’s everybody! Good job.

Finally tonight as a part of the celebration for senator Strom Thurmond’s birthday, a Marilyn Monroe impersonator sang to him. And just so he didn’t feel so old, a boner impersonator climbed into his pants.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Roseanne S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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